Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Reality of Pain

My heart is full of so much sadness tonight.

Ben can't climb the steps anymore. He can't pull himself up. His legs help him walk short distances, provided there aren't any small toys in the way that might make him stumble.

I've been so anxious for the nice weather. My boys never turn down an opportunity to be out in the backyard. But today, when we got some sunshine, he was too tired to join his brother in looking for bugs. He didn't even have energy to join his sister while she painted at the kitchen table.

So much sadness.

I can usually hold back the tears during the day. Stifle them until the evening when they're all tucked away in bed. Today, though, I couldn't.

I sat with Ben on the couch for much of the day, my legs pinned beneath his body, which awkwardly needed my help in adjusting itself to make him comfortable. And I went through a dozen tissues, silently weeping and blowing my nose, completely undetected by my little meatball.

My baby.

But scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, I saw two different posts about other families going through tragedies. In both scenarios, there were cancer-stricken fathers whose doctors gave them months to live. As a gift to their unmarried daughters, they opted to walk them down the aisle - years ahead of time - so that they could be there to offer their blessing. Just beautiful.

Then I think about Jim Kelly. A Buffalo spiritual and football icon, whose cancer recently returned with a vengeance. His family has endured so much pain throughout the last few years. And still, they've held onto their faith. They lost their young son Hunter from a rare disease several years ago and now they are walking down the all-too-familiar road of pain since Jim's cancer returned. Erin and Camryn are praying for healing for their dad. But they are also facing the reality that he might not make it to either of their weddings on this side of heaven.

These stories just break my heart. I cannot even imagine the agony of watching your father or your husband go through this kind of pain. Unfathomable.

I was telling Andy about these stories as they popped into my newsfeed tonight. We cried about the reality of where we are with our own son. How scared we are of things to come. But I told Andy, "We're not the only ones suffering."

So many people have suffered worse things than us. So many people have been asked to walk down roads they would have rathered not go. So many people continue to hurt because of unimaginable pain. So many people are still hurting today.

It doesn't make me feel good to know that other people hurt. It doesn't make me feel better to know that we're the only ones that suffer. But it does make me realize just how temporary this life really is.

Being human means feeling pain. Enduring hardship. Feeling sorrow. Sadly, it's just a part of life. We've got a little snake and a couple named Adam and Eve to thank for sin's entrance into the world.

But God is good. After Adam and Eve bit that apple, disobeying the only command He had given them, He didn't throw up His hands and say, "Oh, well. There goes humanity. I tried." Instead, He had compassion. It hurt Him to have to send His best creation out of the beautiful garden. He offered them another chance. But this time, they had to live with the consequences of their sin.

God never said we'd have it easy. Especially as Christ-followers. In fact, He guaranteed that it would be tough.

"In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

I love the second part of that verse. God didn't doom us to a life alone with sin and throw His arms up in disgust and say, "Well, I tried." Instead, He just did a tiny little thing like, oh, say, overcame the world!

I don't know about you, but I don't know too many people who were victorious over death, coming back to life three days after He died, just as He had said He would. Okay, I only knew One.

God didn't create cancer. He didn't invent diseases. He is a God of life. He creates life, not destroys it. When I cry, I truly believe that He is weeping with me. When I attack Him with my endless list of questions 'why' He invites me to sit next to Him, apologizing that I have to walk this road.

For Christians, we know that death is not the final answer. Death is not the end. It is the beginning of our new life, the life that will never end.

Heaven is the promise of life eternal. Where there is no sickness. No sadness. No tears. No cancer. Where we will live in the presence of our God. Forever and forever.

It's times like these, scrolling through my newsfeed, that I realize just how temporal our lives are. Meaningless. Nothing else even matters. I need to keep my tear-stained eyes focused on the goal. Eternal life for me, my husband, and my kids, where there is no pain. No tears.

And as much as my head wishes I would get to see heaven years and years before any of my kids, my heart says, "You are good, God. Hold us close. And please please please don't let us go."

116 comments:

  1. Praising Him with you, sweet mama...praying for the miracle of life for your darling Ben..Hugs from Raleigh, NC

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    1. I pray for you and your beautiful Ben. Attica prison is wearing blue for Ben tomorrow. We all have grown to love you and your family. God bless

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  2. Still paying for a miracle for Ben. But also for pain-free days for him, and for continued strength for you and Andy.

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  3. DO you know Mindy how many people's questions you've just answered? Let me tell you, that explanation on Life and death, and sin and how that all transformed. People want to blame God, because they need someone to blame. He isn't to blame. Thank you for explaining it better than I could have done. Another miracle. So many questions and why's were answered through your post that would not be written unless Ben wasn't choosen to be a sacrificial lamb. God is so good..your blog is reaching so many people...thank you Jesus for opening eyes tonight on your beautiful works. God bless this family and everyone reading this. <3

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  4. I can't imagine how a parent feels when they have a child in the kind of sickness as you have Mindy. God is your strength, lean on Him. I've never asked why when my parents were sick and when they past away, or friends or relatives who got sick and passed away. Because, I've never felt it was my place to do that and never have thought God wants us to ask. God does what He wants to, He takes our loved ones when we don't understand. I love the verse that says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He'll lead you down the right path". Mindy I have been praying for you and your family and Ben. Lend on God, He's there always for you. ♥ ♥

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  5. you are an amazing woman mindy sauer..that is why god picked you to be Bens mom.. my heart just breaks for all of you ..i know i could not be as strong as you faith or not. i dont even know ben yet he is in my every thought.. i sometimes dont read your blog as i write to ben everyday and i still just want to hope he is doing better.. god bless you all xoxox debi

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  6. Mindy, your faith truly inspires me. I pray for your little Ben every single day and I pray for all of you. I can see his little face in my mind's eye. Your family's journey has touched so many hearts and souls. This is your gift. I cried reading your blog tonight, especially because you stay so faithful to Him. You say He is always there, and it's a message we all need to hear.

    I pray for a miracle for little Ben and for all of you and your new little one on the way. Praying for all and thanking you for your witness to God's grace and glory.

    So many people in Rochester are praying for him and for all of you. Much love and prayers coming your way.

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    1. I'm one of those Rochester people. When Alison Stone told me about Ben I read an early post and realized that something special was going on here. Something more than Ben's illness, and your sweet family, something more than sadness and grief. Between your posts and the beauty of your children, you have claimed hearts for heaven.

      Yes, it is God's work. And it's done through a grieving mother's hands, much like Mary as she trailed Christ's walk, wishing she could help... knowing her limitations and hating them.

      But these hearts claimed for God, for Christ, for families... Mindy, that blessing is going out into the community, into towns, villages, cities, businesses, homes....

      And making people see through clearer eyes. More wholesome thoughts. Tender hearts.

      God bless you! And thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing Ben's story with us!

      We are blessed.

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  7. Tears for you tonight, momma. How I wish I could carry even just a fraction of your hurt for you. If I could, I'd carry so much more. You remain in my prayers along with Ben and your whole family. <3

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  8. Do you speak to Ben about his sister as you sit and hold his little body? Do you ask what he would like to do with her when she's old enough? What special things he would like to teach her? Does he like a certain name? A middle name...what would that be and why?

    And Mindy, does he ask about himself? What is this I'm feeling mom? Why can't I walk up the steps? Can you read the stories of the heros in the bible that overcame bad things with miracles from God. Joshua, David and Golith, Noah, these stories and appropriate picture books of the heros who conquered "bad" things because of God's help, might bring him 'super hero' strength to face the challenges that God has put before him and your family. The stories are written so even a child can understand the meanings, and the lessons for the parents can help be brave in the sight of adversity.

    Read those stories to Ben now, but your little girl is listening too. They have proof that talking to your new child in while in the womb, laughing, hearing her brother speak, can open wonders that we might never understand.
    Mindy to cry is human. Jesus in his human form cried. I always found comfort in that. It's like a release valve to our emotions...have you laughed so hard you cried? Crying is simply a wonderful way to allow our bodies to let go of all that energy that builds inside us every day. Some good. Some bad. But doesn't it feel right to release that energy in some way, so that we don't carry it forward and overwhelm ourselves. God gave us this pressure release valve and I know, if you're at all like me, I use it frequently. God bless you for sharing John 16:33 with us today. Someone needed that verse from you, and you passed it along.
    with much affection,
    Connie

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    1. Connie, I love this post. You are thinking from an eternal perspective when you suggest that the new baby hear Ben's voice and that the Bible reports can be understood on many levels! Thank you.

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  9. I saw this article and I immediately thought of your unwavering faith and little Ben.

    http://abcnews.go.com/Health/mom-stuns-doctors-beating-deadliest-brain-cancer/story?id=18135106

    Praying every day that he is blessed with the same kind of miracle.

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  10. Live by faith, not by sight 2 Corinthians 5:7. Mindy, He wont let any of you go. I speak renewed hope into your heart. I speak renewed faith, and I speak healing. I speak to every doubt, to every fear...BE GONE in JESUS NAME. To every emotion in Mindy come into alignment with the Holy Word of God. No weapin formed against Ben Sauer will prosper. All evil coming against Ben Sauer be gone in Jesus name. How is a child of God and I Believe He's going to live. In Jesus Name. Amen

    Lord, give Mindy the words to speak to this situation. Holy Spirit give Mindy a peace that surpasses all understanding. In Jesus Name Amen.

    Mindy, hang on. Dont lose hope.

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  11. Thank you for taking the time to share. Praise God that you and Andy are His children and He is sustaining you moment by moment. The prospect of having to walk a road like this at all, much less without hope, is unimaginable to me. Praise be to God for His goodness, even when things aren't good. Thank you for reminding people of that. My heart is with you guys. I cry almost every time I read your posts. Proverbs 16:9 In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. Instead of throwing away your faith and becoming bitter towards God for the situation you have been faced with, you have chosen to be faithful and honor Him. I am just so encouraged by that. I hate what you are going through, but I love that God is being intensely glorified in the midst of it. Praying for you sweet mama.

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  12. Romans 5:3-5
    "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

    Prayers

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  13. You do not know me. I am a complete stranger to you. Yet, as a mother of 6 and a fellow Christian - please know that I am praying for you and for Ben. His precious little life has inspired so many and I hope you find some peace in that. God's plan does not make sense and I share in your tears and your faith! Know that you have prayer warriors beyond what you can imagine. Please hug Ben for all of us that wish we could give that sweet little guy a squeeze and let him know that we are praying for him and that His God is bigger than anything we know.

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  15. Mindy, the feelings deep within your heart, flow so heart-wrentchingly through your words. It's as if we are there seeing what you see, feeling the whole spectrum of your emotions. In your pain you are renewing our faith in a loving, faithful God. You are telling us "If I can still have faith, if I can shoulder this heartache through God's grace...then you can carry your crosses too and still have faith."
    I don't have to tell you that we will not stop praying for Ben and your family, you already know that. I wish, like others here, that I could take some of your burden
    on to my shoulders. I do know that every minute of everyday Jesus is standing beside you. I can see His light and feel His love for us in your words and in your faith.
    I also weep with you. Always remember that you are a "good and faithful servant". God grant you His peace.

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  16. Dear Mindy, I have been following your story through my friend Diane Tobin, and as Rosemarie Becker said in an earlier post, "your faith truly inspires me. I pray for your little Ben every single day and I pray for all of you. I can see his little face in my mind's eye. Your family's journey has touched so many hearts and souls. This is your gift."

    I too continue to pray for a miracle for Ben and for your entire family.

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  17. I heard that some people use herbs or other natural homeopathy medicine. I heard that some shrink tumors. I pray that God eases everything for your whole family. Keep staying strong. ((HUGS))

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  18. Prayers go out more than once daily for you, your family, and Ben especially <3 I keep hoping/praying that maybe just maybe this tumor only got bigger to get smaller and I would really love to see a miracle happen through prayer.. I'm pretty sure it would turn a lot into true believers and so many more followers! I do have a question though and I, not in an million years, don't want to sound disrespectful or inconsiderate because I'm not like that. My question is, if Ben would have had the next surgery there would have been the chance of damage to the brain, affecting his speech, walking, learning etc, and this is where I don't want to sound rude or like I'm questioning your decision, but if that was the case of damaging part of the brain couldn't Ben be worked with to rehab his little body, kind of like a person who has had a stroke, I know they don't get back fully to 100% but people can recover.. There's a little boy I follow on Facebook by the name of Tripp halstead, last yr he was playing out side his daycare and a tree came down and literally crushed his skull and he survived amazingly and now he gets a lot of therapies and so on.. I guess you could say I'm just a mom with a million questions and only wish the darkness of your pain will only turn into the brightness of a happy ending ���� sending much love and prayer to your family, Mindy

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  19. Thousands upon thousands of prayers holding you and your family up- sheltering you as best we can on this journey. Great love streaming your way. xoxoxoxo

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  20. Mindy-our family (from Louisiana) has been praying for Ben and your family since early March when I stumbled across your blog. Your posts have brought me to tears and we have rejoiced with you over your mini-miracles.
    Your faith reminds me of the woman who knew that touching the hem of Jesus' garment would bring healing, and I thank you for reminding us all of that. I also thank you for your poignant words as you go through this most terrifying and heartbreaking of ordeals.
    I know that your story touches me so greatly because I have a 4-year old boy and a 5-year old boy. Your anecdotes are so familiar, and I understand the plans that you have for your sons even at this stage in their life. Please know that we are praying for a miracle now, and will be praying for your family for some time to come.

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  21. My family and I weep with you, Mindy. Our hearts hurt for you and yearn for our Heavenly Father to grant a miracle that would bless your family, little Ben, and give hope to those without Him and glory to His name. Know that you have prayer support from so many for strength, peace, and joy. May God bless you mightily today!

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  22. I (like I'm certain many are feeling) wish there were more I could do to ease you (& your extended families') pain. I continue to keep you all in my thoughts, staying faithful in prayer and weeping with you all.

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  23. My prayers go out to little Ben and your whole family. It is so refreshing to hear you praise God during this most difficult times of your lives. I said a special 3 day prayer for him. May God bless you all. Marilyn

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  24. My heart aches knowing what you are going through. No mom should have to endure seeing their child suffering. But you are right when you said God is good. He has purpose for everything, good or bad, He will use this moment for his glory. I still continue to pray for Ben. Know that you are not going through this alone, as moms, we are walking with you and our hearts are there with little Ben.

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  25. God is indeed walking through this storm with you and will not forsake you, Ben, or your family. I pray this Casting Crowns song speaks to you today.

    "Praise You In This Storm"

    I was sure by now
    God You would have reached down
    And wiped our tears away
    Stepped in and saved the day
    But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

    As the thunder rolls
    I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
    "I'm with you"
    And as Your mercy falls
    I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
    And takes away

    And I'll praise You in this storm
    And I will lift my hands
    For You are who You are
    No matter where I am
    And every tear I've cried
    You hold in Your hand
    You never left my side
    And though my heart is torn
    I will praise You in this storm

    I remember when
    I stumbled in the wind
    You heard my cry to you
    And you raised me up again
    My strength is almost gone
    How can I carry on
    If I can't find You

    But as the thunder rolls
    I barely hear You whisper through the rain
    "I'm with you"
    And as Your mercy falls
    I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
    And takes away

    I lift my eyes unto the hills
    Where does my help come from?
    My help comes from the Lord
    The Maker of Heaven and Earth

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  26. http://byrdhouse-byrdsnest.blogspot.com/2011/03/safe-in-storm.html?m=0

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  27. I posted the link above. I believe one of the reasons God allows suffering is so we can bless others when they suffer in a similar way. The link above is the blog of a mom friend who walked down this road ahead of you. And just like you, she clung to God. Praising Him,

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  28. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Four year old boys are supposed to give us a joy of our future, not the pain of our present.
    I have seen cancer and know how it cripples. It is a cruel disease. But I am not educating you - I am reaching out as a sister in Christ and feeling for you. I am praying to lighten your little ones load, to cure him, and ease his pain and in doing so, remove the pain for you as well.
    You understand God/s plan well, He did not create the sin of this world. Man did. But he did give us a hope and a promise, an eternal one, and for that I am grateful.
    I will be an added prayer warrior for your little one and pray for your daily strength as well. I am sorry. It could be anyone one of us at any time.

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  29. Dear Mindy, Andy, Ben, Jack, Megan & Baby,
    As it always does, your thoughts touched me deeply and wretched my heart. There is so much sadness in the world and we are only aware of a few of the stories. We do mourn with those who mourn, but most importantly we rejoice that our names are written in the Book of Life, and we look forward to that time without tears, when we will be in His presence. While we are here, we will join with you in praying and doing our best to lay everything at His feet, and know He loves us. We will not stop praying. You are so loved, imperfectly though with best intent here on earth, but perfectly from above. May His Grace sustain you.

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  30. "Lord, only You can stop these tears from falling..."
    We stand in the gap and hold you and your family up before the Lord...Like Aaron holding Moses' arms in the dessert, we hold you up as well, in intercession and prayer!!

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  31. have learned your story through my 10 yr old daughter who came home from school and wanted to dye her hair blue for ben. Your story has touched so many peoples hearts. My husband lost 2 brothers,his father and I my brother all last year. Reading your blogs about the littles mircles helped me to thank God for what he has blessed me with in life. You have such a strong faith it seems which is amazing with all you are going through ( which is beautiful). I have found in my hardest times is when God sends me little signs to let me know he is with me. I pray that God gives you and your husband the strength you need to get through these difficult times. GOD BLESS you and your beautiful family.

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  32. I wonder why more people don't try alternative treatments for cancer at clinics throughout the country. When I had my pacemaker replaced a few months ago, one of the nurses told me of her grandmother's experience with alternative cancer treatments. Her grandmother had cancer that spread through her body and was given a short time to live. She found a doctor who gave her mega-doses of vitamin C via and IV. It cured her cancer and she is still alive today. Here is a link to a web site: http://www.sunridgemedical.com/cancer-care/?gclid=CL6Smdflwb0CFUYV7AodbVAAaQ

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  33. This was so beautiful. Thank you.

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  34. Continue to send my love, strength and prayers to you and your family.

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  35. We are keeping Ben and your family in our thoughts and prayers. Extra prayers for continued faith, strength and courage...((hugs))

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  36. I am holding Ben and you and your family close to my heart & in my prayers each day and as I read your writings words from your tender mommy heart! Thank you so much for your transparent sharing of your faith and your heart's cries! My tears fall for you all and I am so thankful for you!!

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  37. Prayers for your Ben and all of your family. I think of your struggle daily, and marvel at your courage and grace... For there is no greater love on earth then a Mother's love... Peace..

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  38. Mindy
    Simply beautiful is your heart, as you share Christ through this journey. So in awe of the glorious grasp Christ has on your lives. The real pain is so difficult in the moments,however, the light you have through Christ is shining so brightly. Many lost to Christ are learning about the true love of Jesus, through your writings. Little Ben is such a warrior, he was made for this journey. His valent smile and tenacity to be a radiant love through his pain is exactly how Christ wants us to live. Amazing that it takes a four year old and his wonderful family to remind so many, what we are here for. Heaven is for real, and no matter when we get there, know this Ben has been a good and faithful servant. we have many praying for a miracle, but, one of the miracles of your journey is already so visible, this is the miracle of surrender to your King, as you hold to His glorious day. Blessing to you and all of your family and friends. Praying you feel the hugs of Jesus today and always, God's Blessings on your walk.

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  39. I was thinking about everything that happened with adam and eve and their sin, our sin, the other night. I was thinking "what if they hadnt done it, how different our lives could have been!" But then The Lord reminded me, he knew they would do that, before he created them. And yet, he did it anyways and when he did it said it was a good thing!!! THAT is how much he loves us. He still created us, knowing what sins we would commit. Hold on to that, and know how many peiple are praying for you and ben and for a miracle.

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  40. Still hoping and praying for a miracle for little Ben.

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  41. Please God, bless this family with abounding peace, surround them with your mighty love and comfort them. In Jesus name. Amen

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  42. We pray for Ben, you, Andy, Jack and Megan every night. You have so much strength, it is just amazing to me. I am the same age as you and my daughter is the same age as your boys, I just can't imagine but we know God is good. Your story has no doubt touched so many lives for Jesus and that is amazing. Hugs from PA :-)

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  43. The hope we have in Christ is invaluable, but the longing for heaven can be so painful sometimes! I continue to follow your story, praying for you and your family, inspired and challenged by your faith. Jesus, love on these people in a special way today!!!!

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  44. Even more love, prayers and hugs.

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  45. Thank you for sharing. A friend of mine forwarded this to me hoping that this would encourage me and it has... very much. My husband passed away 7 weeks ago, leaving me behind with our four young girls. This reminds me not to lose focus on the fact that we will be together again on day in His perfect presence. Again, thank you for sharing. Your family will be in my prayers.

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  46. I have a huge place in my heart for you and your family-especially Ben! Please know that so many thousands of people have been touched by Ben and you-your darling son has brought a focus on prayer that is like a huge megawatt spotlight guiding us to God! I pray for you and your son and I humbly submit this prayer for you, Mindy, to say: "Lord Jesus, whatever I'm facing today, help me stand with you." Gentle Jesus, comfort Ben and his family! Amen!

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  47. I just received my Blue4Ben bracelets in the mail, they were there when I got home. I thought of Ben and I am hoping and praying for a miracle for your family.

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  48. I am so very sorry your sweet Ben is having to go through this! Praying for his miracle--and for your family as you walk this road beside him! There is another blog I follow where, similar to the stories you mentioned, it is a parent suffering from cancer. This mom appears to have little time left. You can read Ally's blog at 3littlecowboys. I'm sure it will touch your heart just as your blog and your faith/testimony touches your readers. God Bless!

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  49. my heart weeps for you and Ben and reading your blog I say : you are a very strong woman and your faith is undieing during such a sad time. I dont know what pewople do that dont have faith, i dont know how they get through each day but know God is with you and so are so many others reading your story and praying for Ben and your family.. I still pray for a miracle and hope that you are granted 1, with 3 children and 1 on the way you have been given the true precious gift of life and you know the feeling of a miracle in your children. My heart goes out to all of you and your blog touches many peoples hearts and gives them a look at a strong woman and a town that wants what you want in Ben being healed. God Bless You and Your Family, specially Ben!

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  50. Praying for your family during this time. I wanted to share an organization I am involved with called Head for the Cure. They are a wonderful foundation dedicated to raising funds for brain cancer research through 5Ks across the country. http://www.headforthecure.org/ Take heart, there are people out there fighting for Ben!!

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  51. I know some of the alternative treatments sound ridiculous, but perhaps frankincense oil, hemp oil, IV / liposomal vitamin C, or something as crazy sounding as the Budwig Protocol could help to at least ease any suffering. I also saw something about FDA approved dopamine antagonist drugs helping slow the growth of these types of tumors. Maybe it could be used off-label by Ben's doctor to help. Ben's struggle has touched me deeply and I pray every day you find something that brings about a miracle. Your faith and courage is truly admirable. Please don't give up hope!

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  52. Oh Mindy... all I can say... is thank you. Thank you for sharing this journey ... thank you for allowing your family's suffering to bring glory to God, thank you for your transparency. The strength, and peace and love of our God is truly visible in, around and through you.
    Abba has been showing me over and over again, that life on this planet is riddled with troubles. It's so hard and filled with sorrow and agony... yet... right smack dab in the middle of the darkest places... HE SHOWS UP!! He shines so brilliantly. How I wish we could have HIM...without the trouble... and one day WE WILL... but for now, we travel through the brokenness. You are revealing the secret... (which really isn't a secret...but plainly stated for all to see) ...that in the darkest hours, God gives His richest blessings, namely, Himself!
    My thoughts and prayers will not stop for Ben and for your family!
    With a hurting heart,
    Paula Keller

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  53. Mindy I praise God for your powerful testimony & unswerving faith. I know one day our God will say to you "Well done my good & faithful servant". But for now I remember you all in my prayers constantly.. Asking God to keep your hearts & minds in perfect peace & for complete healing for Ben- For we know our God is able to do exceeding abundantly above all we can ask or think!

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  54. Hi, Mindy, I'm friends with the Gibbels and have been following your story through Kelly's Facebook links to your blog.

    Today as I read your words, I feel sad at the thought of Ben just snuggling in on your lap instead of playing outside. I ache in a way that can't really be explained when my own children are sick, and that's just with a cold! And so I know it must be hard to be in your place.

    The verse you shared about Christ overcoming the world made me think of those last few days of pregnancy before giving birth--so uncomfortable! Ya just wanna get that baby out!! And there's redemption to that discomfort and pain of labor in that sweet little newborn in your arms. It seems that you are in those (very) uncomfortable, painful days with your Ben, but on the other side of life--delivering him into Glory. It shouldn't be that way, parents seeing the beginning and the end of life in their children, but that verse you shared speaks of redemption to the pain you're in.

    I'm praying for your family, and still hoping for healing in Ben. Thanks for being willing to share your journey on this blog.

    Jill

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  55. Praying for all of you --- may Jesus sit so very close to you and Ben on that couch.

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  56. "we know that death is not the final answer. Death is not the end. It is the beginning of our new life, the life that will never end." --- This is what I told others when I did my father's Eulogy after he passed from a tough battle with cancer in 2009. I have thought of Ben and your family every single day. I pray for Ben when I sit at my desk at work. I pray for Ben when I'm driving. I pray for Ben I'm making dinner. I never stop. I am also a momma to twin boys (they're almost 3). My heart is with all of you.

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  57. your words speak truth I think we all wish we could say if faced with a situation like this. Sauer family, we are praying for healing and God's peace. Your faith is remarkable.

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  58. There are so many things that I wish I could say to you, but the words just swirl through my head and never seem to land. I grab onto these thoughts - God is so very good, He loves you, your family and Ben with an everlasting, unimaginable love. As a sister in Christ and a mom of seven - twin boys being in the mix - I cannot imagine...But I am so thankful that you know God, that you hold onto His love, hope, promises and the knowledge that we will all be restored and reunited for all eternity. I stand in the gap and pray for you and your sweet family.

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  59. Following this journey with you and praying daily for a miracle for Ben. Love your hearts for Jesus, what an amazing faith you have! God is already using Ben's story daily to touch so many lives. I have shared your blog with my friends and family, and we are all praying along side of you! It reminds me to hug my boys a little bit tighter each day! Love to your family from Phoenix, AZ!

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  60. Praise the lord for your attitude and always turning everything back to Jesus Christ! You have encouraged me so much! Today just listening to Pandora, Everything Falls by fee came on and couldn't help but think of you. It's a great song and a great reminder that "when everything falls apart, He's the only hope for this heart! Praying for you guys!!! <3

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  61. I pray (and cry) daily for your sweet Ben. I pray that with each breath he takes, he breathes in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit to heal his tumor and provide comfort and rest. I pray for a miracle so that Ben may be an example of God's presence in our World because we need it more than ever. I pray for your comfort and strength, because the path you're walking is the worst imaginable for any person. May God bless and guard your precious family.

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  62. I rarely comment because I just don't have a single word that could ever help but I am praying everyday for Ben, and for all of you. My heart breaks with you.

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  63. Praying every day for your family and Ben for strength to whatever beholds. I only wish that the drs can do something instead of saying there is nothing they can do. So I continue to pray for a miracle for your family and that Ben suddenly starts to have function again and more each day. We have a baby boy in our family who I previously mentioned in comments where the drs are in disbelief how well he was doing for quite a while. Ten months old now and things are rocky but we keep the faith...God bless your family. Always on my mind thoughts and prayers!

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  64. Been following Ben's story for a few weeks now. I recently moved to London with my husband and 3 boys. You guys are heavy on my heart. I want you to know I am always praying for your precious little boy. I am so sorry for your pain. I weep with you as I read and am praying for a mighty miracle. I know your faith is being tested but you write with such love and trust for our Heavenly Father. Be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9).

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  65. God bless you. He promises never to leave us or forsake us.
    Isaiah 41:10
    So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
    Amen

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  66. So much love and so many prayers from our family! I think about and pray for you all constantly.

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  67. Sending much love and prayers across the miles!

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  68. So, so sorry for the unimaginable pain you are going through! I love that Bible verse so much, 2 years ago my mom wrote it down as a daily verse to memorize on a grocery list and two hours later she died in a car accident. This verse has helped me so much, God has overcome the world! Praying for your family!

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  69. Don't worry about other treatments. God is sovereign and will do what's best for all. I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Bens story is bringing God glory. I hope that the God of peace is bringing you and your loved ones comfort. Keep running the race with endurance. Keep your eyes on your Treasure.

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  70. Praying along with you that we all keep our eyes on the goal of Heaven. Praying that God would continue to hold you and your family tight and pour His love out over you!

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  71. There are no words to say to a woman who is going through what you are going through...the impending loss of her child...her heart that beat under her heart for 9 months...I read your newsfeed every night hoping you have found your miracle and am saddened beyond belief each time when I read your posts and see that you have new, more difficult trials each day as your son's illness progresses. No mother should have to endure what you are enduring. My heart bleeds for you and I pray every day that you get your miracle.

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  72. Dear Mindy, I am writing to let you know that you are definitely not alone. My situation is different from yours, but similar in some ways. I am a mother of 3 children (ages 9,6,4) and was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 years ago. I have been through many of the same emotions you have so beautifully expressed in your blog. I struggled initially with the feeling of anger. Anger about why this was happening to me and my family? Anger about why God didn't stop it? I felt like I lived my life in a way that would be pleasing to God, so why did this happen? There were so many questions. My diagnosis came just 2 days after I stopped breastfeeding my daughter who was only 15 months old at the time. I couldn't figure out why God would give me 3 children to raise, and then want to take me home to heaven? Then there was the anger at other people. The people I would pass at Wegmans. I would look at them and think - "They don't know how lucky they are", "They don't have to worry about what the next blood test will show", "They aren't going to die young". I was angry at them for not being able to understand the suffering I was going through. I was also so afraid, not knowing what would happen. So many emotions, so many prayers. It took me quite a while to come to fully know the peace and love of God and be able to look at this situation more like you have. I am amazed at your ability to focus on the positive so soon into the trials you have faced with Ben. It took me much longer. At the 3 year point after diagnosis, I finally feel at peace. That if the Lord decides to take me home, He will provide for my children. I feel His comfort now, more than ever. I am also comforted by the people out there that can understand my suffering (at least in some ways). That is why I am sharing my story with you. I am praying day & night for your son. Praying that God will heal him so he can grow up with his siblings and you can see him start school. I wish there was more I could do, but for now my prayers are all I have to offer.

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    2. Your story is so touching, especially as a mother. I well pray for you along with the Sauer family.

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  73. I can't help but burst into tears every time I read something about Ben getting worse. I pray for him every day and I wear my BLUE4BEN bracelet every day telling everyone about him. His story has really touched me! Your a very strong woman and mother! I pray that he has some pain free days in the future. AND NO MATTER WHAT I'M PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE!!!

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  74. Wow, you are truly an amazing Mom and spectacular writer. Your perspective on life and how you can put it into words with all you are going through blows me away each time. Cont praying strength for all of you!

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  75. "Footprints in the Sand"

    One night I dreamed a dream.
    As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
    Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
    For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
    One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

    After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
    I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
    I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
    especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
    there was only one set of footprints.

    This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
    "Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
    You'd walk with me all the way.
    But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
    there was only one set of footprints.
    I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

    He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
    Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
    When you saw only one set of footprints,
    It was then that I carried you."


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  76. You are in our prayers and thoughts....so thankful that you know the Lord and have Him as your hope...

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  77. Mindy, after reading this, it immediately brought to mind this song, I hope you will find comfort in it as I do, You will want to download it and ALWAYS listen to it!! Take comfort in it!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkLAwaw-4nY

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  78. Mindy, words will not soothe you now, but in months and years ahead all the love and comments will come back to you hundred fold. Our God is hurting as you endure this challenge and as your Ben is feeling so ill. I continue to pray and look into your blog, as my friend Mel Weaver has brought to light your struggles. I pray for a miracle and for all those who are taking this journey with you.

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  79. You don't know me, but I'm another twin Mom. Our twin boys were born micro preemies last year (23 and 26 weeks - different days). And while our fight to bring our babies home was the most difficult thing I've ever faced, when I imagine being in your shoes and my heart aches. I have not been in your shoes, but know the fear of the unknown and the thought of losing a twin. I am SO thankful to know that you know our Great God - the Creator, Healer, Comforter of all. I'm praying for a miracle for your precious family. I'm also praying for peace for you all. May you continue to feel the Lord wrap you in His arms and hold you tight.

    I wanted to share this song with you - praying God's blessings on your beautiful family.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw&feature=kp

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  80. I read this today and hope it will be a comfort.....
    The Final Heartbeat for the Christian is not the mysterious conclusion to a meaningless existence. It is, rather the grand beginning to a life with our Savior that will never end.

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  81. My heart breaks for your family. I have been reading your blogs every night as I lie down next to my four year old girl wondering how it would be to deal with this situation if I had to face it with my little one. I cannot imaging what you are all going through, I really can't; I admire your steadfast faith in God, and I pray that my faith and trust in God can be as strong as yours. I think it's when trials hit a person's life that you can really see their character, and you are a woman of character. To be going through so much, yet praising God. You remind me of Job. I don't even know you, but I respect that in you, and hope that my character will be like that one day. I really pray for your little boy- that the angels of God would be with him. That he would feel the peace of God around him. I pray that for your entire family.

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  82. Checking your wonderful blog has become part of morning devotions and your sweet Ben is on my daily prayer list. Holding out for a miracle. How blessed people must be who know you in real life Mindy. Praying you have a regular, normal, uneventful day today.

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  83. Mindy, I wept when I first heard of Ben's situation, and cry regularly since. You've had your family at our house several times, visiting with Robyn, Amy, and Alisha. This situation is certainly a tragedy in our lives. These are the toughest things we face on this side of Heaven.

    You've truthfully, clearly, even eloquently expressed God's place in these events. God's purpose is always for us to honor him, through thick or thin, good or bad, life or death. Even through this very short life.

    I'm reminded of an incident told by Rev. E.V. Hill at a breakfast prayer meeting prior to Billy Graham's crusade in Buffalo some years ago. He was mourning the loss of his beloved wife. Outside in his garden at night, talking with God. Going through all the emotions we can anticipate, just as you've expressed - questioning, anger, begging, searching. He heard God's answer that his wife was healthy and well, dancing in Heaven at that moment. E.V. took some moments to soak in the meaning of this, then shook his finger at the stars of the night sky, and said to his departed wife, "you rascal, you!! You rascal!".

    I think of that whenever I hear of the death of loved ones. It's death to this earth, but just passage into Heaven and eternity. If God should choose to let Ben pass thru the gates first, before any of the rest of your family, then that little rascal will have more time to be jumping and playing in His presence, at the feet of the Savior. If there are any bugs in Heaven, Ben will be the first to find them.....
    Kevin Ceroky

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  84. Praying for you and your little man. I can't imagine what you are going through, but your faith is awe inspiring!

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  85. Your faith is such an inspiration. My teen daughter has anxiety/depression issues and we both are following your family's journey. Your post about letting go of worries and knowing that God is there to help and guide us was so on point. I always tell my kids that we will always be together because nothing can take away love. Like God, love can't be seen or touched but you can close your eyes and know it/He is there. We pray every night for your family. We pray that you all close your eyes and feel that presence and find some peace in that. Ben is already a miracle to us. Thank you for sharing your little miracle with all of us and thank you for reminding us that God is always with us. What a special family.

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  86. Mindy, can I send you some Frankincense, Sandalwood and or Lavender oil for Ben (& you)? Something you can rub on his little feet and bring him some calm & peace... possibly some relief. You can message me @ flatkristie@gmail.com. xo Kristie

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  87. May God continue to pour into you Truth. Thruth that He is Love and that you, Ben and your entire family are being held by a God who does not make mistakes. In God's Love, sheila

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  88. I continue to hold Ben and your beautiful family close to my heart and in my unending prayers. I'm so sorry to hear that Ben isn't doing well today. I lost my husband to cancer 2.5 years ago after a 9 month battle with this monster. I have always said that losing Joe long before his time has caused me unbelievable pain and grief. It has shattered my heart and consumed my every day thoughts. Losing him is the second worse thing that could ever happen to me but...I believe that losing a child is far more devastating . Don't get me wrong..Joe was the love of my life...my soul mate...my forever husband. I miss him with all of my heart. But to lose a small innocent child to this devastating disease would be the most unimaginable pain that any parent could ever suffer. As hard as it was to lose Joe I can't begin to even fathom losing one of my children. One of the things that keeps me going is the fact that I was privileged to have been Joe's wife and I would not change that for anything. The wonderful memories of our life together is a priceless treasure and I thank God every day of my life for bring me and Joe together. When I read about all that Ben and your family are going through it tears my heart out. But God has a plan for all of us. We have to trust in Him that he has a reason why unimaginable things happen to us. Thank you for your beautiful post. It truly brought me peace and comfort. I only wish that I could comfort your family the way that your post did for me. I continue to pray for a miracle for Ben. God can! I believe!!

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  89. Mindy - I know we've chatted a few times via email but today I wanted to share my comments here because I your post today reminded me of something I once wrote in my blog about God not wanting us to hurt, that He did not 'do' this to us for any reason but He allowed it so that we may grow closer to him. In the world of twin loss that I am so much a part of there are so many people who question the whys of this journey God has put us on and almost seem to want to blame God, to be angry with Him. The fact is that bad things happen to everyone and evil exists in the world since the day Adam and Eve first fell. We can choose to embrace the hard times or we can choose to fight them but they will exist either way.
    Your way of embracing this even though it is the last thing your heart wants to do is so honouring...to Ben and to our deal Lord. Acceptance is so hard but being willing to give this to God and accept His plan is just, well, amazing. Ben is so lucky to have you as his mom...just as you are so lucky to have Ben as yours for now...for as long as God gives you with him...whether that is weeks, months or years.
    Here is the link to that entry if you or anyone else here chooses to read it.
    http://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.ca/2012/11/here-i-am-and-where-are-you.html

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  90. Mindy … I know God is a good God. I will continue to pray for Ben, and for you and Andy and the other kids. And, I weep with you. May you feel God's arms giving you all the strength you need during these days. And may Ben feel God in an overwhelming 4 year old way. O Lord - please be their strength.
    Joy

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  91. I just wanted to share with you that I sat next to you at your sons benefit with tears pouring down my face. Because unfortunately I have experienced the worst kind of pain and tragedy. You might remember the story a year and half ago about my daughter Isabella Sara Tennant who was murdered by the 17 year old boy in Niagara Falls. I struggle every second of my life with the loss of my daughter. I feel in my heart the only thing that keeps me going in this world is my faith in God and the love of my close friends and family. Sometimes the pain I feel gets to be unbearable that I cry so hard that my eyes burn and my body hurts. My daughter was taken from me in a very selfish way. I honestly feel that it has destroyed my life in a lot of ways. So I just want to let you, your husband and your family know that I pray for Ben everyday. I will continue to pray for him. If there is ever anything I could do for you or your family please do not hesitate to ask. God Bless. Mike Tennant - 716-698-7408

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  92. This clinic called the Burzynski Clinic has miracles happen every day with these types of cancer. http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/

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  93. Your stories are inspirational. Ben will get better , keep trusting in our loving God. You are doing everything right and Congratulations on your new miracle . She will meet Ben and everything will be complete, Miracles do happen , even small ones . Xoxo , The Elijah Family

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  94. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” -Revelation 21:3-4

    We are praying so hard for Ben and you and your family.

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  95. I heard something the other day that put everything into perspective for me. "The only thing that you should hold onto so you can take it to heaven is... your child." How true. The things of this earth shall pass. Teaching our children the truth and encouraging them to love and serve him is our main job... you do great work Mindy! Thanks again for sharing. You are a great encouragement to so many.

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  96. My heart goes out to you Mindy. If reading other people's stories is helpful to you, you might try "Death Be Not Proud" by John Gunther. It's a father's memoir of his son's struggle with brain cancer. I think you would a kindred spirit in the author. In spite of his own pain, Gunther wrote this book in hopes that other children and their parents who might find themselves in a similar situation "may derive some modicum of succor from the unflinching fortitude . . . . with which Johnny (his son) rode through his ordeal to the end."

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  97. I pray to God that everything works out; these posts break my heart, and I hope that he beats this.

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  98. Psalm 56:8- You keep track of all of my sorrows. You collect my tears in a bottle. You record each on in your book....
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6QShBVo_NI&feature=share&list=PLHYTSCD8C7rf397ZoQC7Ll9NcTaeOcRvz&index=6

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  99. I pray for your little Ben and entire family daily. I pray he gets his miracle, if not here on Earth then in heaven, with Our Father who loves him so much.

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  100. I'm praying right now. I have come to love Ben and you through your blog. You have been a huge encouragement to me.

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  101. My heart aches as I read this. You and your families strength and faith is beyond belief. I just pray that God presents you with his overpowering love and peace. Sar Shalom! Sar Shalom! I plead the blood of Jesus over Ben and his family. I thank God that in the name of Jesus Christ Ben is Healed. I speak to the tumor and thank God that he shrinks it down to nothing in the name of Jesus Christ. He is Love, he is our peace, he is Grace and he is our healing. Lord in the name of Jesus Christ I cast the cancer out of Ben's body. I thank you that you renew this boys health and I have faith that he will grow to be 5 then 10 then 20 and so on. Mindy you are an amazing mother and a huge encouragement and inspiration to us all. May God bless you with many things. He has a plan for you life on earth!!

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  102. Mindy, Ben is going to be healed. He is healed by the stripes of Jesus Christ. It says in the Bible it is Gods will for us to be healed. All we have to do is have faith. If you dont already know him check out Andrew Wommack ministries. He teaches about healing.

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  103. Thank you so so much for your honest and true words about this trial your family is going through. I just lost my grandpa yesterday, and death is hard. It makes death a tiny bit easier when it's someone older who has lived a long life, and is ready to go be with their sweetheart. But death is not the end. I know that I will see my grandpa again and that you will be able to be with your little Ben forever! Thank you for your faith and wisdom and knowledge that this is not the end of our journey! Prayers are going out to you, Ben, and all your family!

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  104. Lots of prayers for you, Ben, and your family. Sending you love.

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  105. My Name is Susan williams, From United States. I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr Dahiru has just done for me, this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great prayers, I was married to this man called williams we were together for a long time and we loved our self's but when I was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can't continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email, then you won't believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he prayed and bring my lost husband back, and after a month I miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Dahiru at arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through any of this problems listed below: (1) If you want your ex back. (2) if you always have bad dreams. (3) You want to be promoted in your office. (4) You want women/men to run after you. (5) If you want a child. (6) You want to be rich. (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever. (8) If you need financial assistance. (9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money (10) Cure for HIV - you can contact him via: email: arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com

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