Thursday, May 1, 2014

God of the Ages

Monday is our seventh wedding anniversary.
 
As much as our relationship truly is worth celebrating, it's a day that is often overlooked by another very exciting occasion in our home: Jack and Ben's birthday! It truly has become a day of celebration in our home!

 
At the beginning of February, just after receiving Ben's grim diagnosis, we didn't expect Ben to even make it past the end of March, much less his birthday. But today is the first day of May and he's still here and still very alert. And let me tell you, that boy is so very excited about turning five on 5/5! When you're a four-year-old counting down to your birthday since last May, being able to say that your birthday is only four days away is almost too much to contain!
 
But even amidst the countdown, I hadn't remembered it being our anniversary until my mom mentioned it the other day.
 
I've been thinking a lot about those first few months with Andy. The butterflies. The excitement. The excessive amount of time I put in front of the mirror but then acting as if I just threw myself together in a moment's notice. Andy thinks I'm patronizing him when I say that I never believed in love at first sight until I met him. But it's really true! When he walked passed my classroom in the beginning of the school year, I remember the wind blowing the curtains through the window (even though I didn't have curtains) and sappy love music whooshing through the room the moment he popped in my doorway. "Excuse me, my name is Andy Sauer. I'm the new aide." I introduced myself, completely smitten, and then he added, "Can you tell me where the library is?"
 
Geez, either this guy is really bad with directions or he was just looking for any opportunity to introduce himself. The library was right down the hall. Either way, I thought he was completely adorable. His smile. His "honest-looking" eyes. It would be a few weeks of flirting during lunch duty, pleasant hellos as we passed in the hallway and doodling his name when I should have been grading papers before he learned that we had been going to the same church - different services - for several years and had never realized.
 
My mom loved him right away, as did all of the teachers we worked with. My fifteen-year-old brother thought he was super cool. My two sisters gave him an immediate thumbs-up. My dad held back just so at least one person in the world would show some restraint and not let Andy think he didn't have to work for it.
 
So many fantastic memories. Our courtship, engagement and then first year of marriage... bliss. I truly have never been more happy in all of my entire life. And then we found out we had been successful in getting pregnant... with twins! And THEN they were born on our anniversary! And then Megan arrived three years later who added more joy to our family than we could have even imagined. Oh, how much goodness can one couple take?!
 
There have been dozens of moments throughout the past seven+ years that I had to pinch myself. Things were just too good to be true. Could so much good be happening to me? To my family? Oh, God, how You have blessed us!
 
And then, just a few months ago, just two weeks after learning that God had blessed us with another pregnancy, we learned of Ben's diagnosis. Cancer. Weeks to live. How quick I was to turn on God.
 
"How could You do this to us? To our beloved son? What have we done wrong? How could You let this happen? We've only ever done our best to honor You!"
 
We felt abandoned. Hurt. Punished. I was so angry, I couldn't even talk to Him. It was just too painful.
 
God took my anger. And He didn't think ill of me. He let me yell at Him in anguish. In pain. Curse His existence and question His plan. Thankfully, we serve a God big enough to handle these emotions. After all, He created us. We would be foolish to think He couldn't acknowledge when we experienced emotions all over the spectrum.
 
A song came on the radio the other day as I drove Jack to preschool that really stood out to me. I scribbled some of the words on a deposit slip I had in the glove compartment in order to listen to it again later. Except I lost the paper and I now I can't think of the words. But here's the gist: God is the same God of the good times and the bad. He never changes. And He's always there.
 
You know those times you pinch yourself because things are going really well? You're feeling like you're on top of the world and don't know how you ever got to be so lucky?
 
God was there.
 
You know those times when you've yelled at Him in disgust? Frustrated at what He appeared to be doing and so hurt by the appearance that He has completely neglected you?
 
God was there.
 
And not only was God there, but the Bible tells us that He never changed. The same God that blessed me so much more than I deserved is the same God that allowed this to happen to my son. He didn't make it happen, but He allowed it, nonetheless.
 
As I was (unsuccessfully) searching on YouTube for the song I had heard,*** I did find this one by Steven Curtis Chapman. I knew the words from years ago, but it also seemed especially appropriate to hear it again in this season of our life: God is God and I am not.
 
 
He has a plan. And despite what our culture has taught us, we are not at the center of it. God is painting a huuuuge picture. And we are just one piece.
 
I am not particularly enjoying this road we have been asked to walk. It's exhausting. Uncertain. And painful. But knowing that our future is secure, our God is constant and His love is never-ending? Yeah, that makes it a whole lot easier.
 
Because He really has been so so good to us. Present circumstances included.





***Update: I finally found the song I had mentioned before! It's called "The Same God" by Newsong: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogFOMvGcma0.

48 comments:

  1. Good words again to read,. My prayers continue.

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  2. try this YouTube link--https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRtFi2Mw-c8

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  3. You made me smile reading this. You just did. Keep spreading His word, His love and His ways. You truly have a way with words and I believe you will write a book/books and your story may even hit our TV's. I pray it does. God is using your sons illness and your words to reach so many. That is miracle after miracle...<3

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  4. Happy early anniversary :) I'm getting married in July and I'm so excited that I'm pretty sure rainbows burst out of my brain lol! In the picture you posted with the boys being newborns, 1 I have to say you both look like you had those rainbows bursting, but are you holding jack and Andy holding Ben? I'm always happy to hear Ben is doing well and your blogs are great and certainly can't wait to hear how wonderful 5/5 and the "BIG" 5 day is for you all <3

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    1. You're right! Ben is with his daddy. He was a full pound heavier than his brother at birth (7lbs,7oz vs. 6lbs,5oz) so they were pretty easy to tell apart for the first two months. After they both starting filling out, I realized we needed to use colors to help everyone else identify them :) Thank you!

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    3. birthday...same month, same day and a bonus for Ben and Jack..same age...5 on 5/5...equals a super birthday..happy birthday and blessings on your anniversary

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  5. Mindy is this the song?

    The Same God
    Back to the wall, scared you'll fall
    What you going to do
    Day and night,
    Don't know why its like the worlds' against you
    You're praying for a break through

    There was a day
    When your faith couldn't be held down
    God was near enough to hear every word
    But somehow you wish He heard you right now
    Don't you know

    The same God who was with you then is with you now
    The same God who led you in will lead you out
    So take all the fear and doubt
    Go on and lay them down
    The same God, the same God is with you now

    Can't you see
    Everything happens for a reason
    There's a time, there's a place
    For every season
    He knows what's best for you
    So don't be afraid

    The same God who was with you then is with you now
    The same God who led you in will lead you out
    So take all the fear and doubt
    Go on and lay them down
    The same God, the same God is with you now

    Just keep holding on
    Oh keep holding on

    The same God who was with you then is with you now
    The same God who led you in will lead you out
    So take all the fear and doubt
    Go on and lay them down
    The same God, the same God is with you now

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    1. YES! I am so grateful to have found it. I posted an update to my post :) Thank you!

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    2. You are most welcome!!! My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family!!
      Karen

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  6. I pray you all have a wonderful celebration on Monday. You are an inspiration beyond words. THANK YOU for taking time to write and post your journey.

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  7. God is so good, all the time, through the darkness and the light. Praying, as always, for each of you. Not sure if the song you mentioned is this one "God on the Mountain"? It is more of a folk/gospel tune:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ_1_aDvoCA

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  8. Mindy is the song you heard "You are God Alone" Phillips, Craig & Dean? I love it! Praying for all of you.

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    1. Another great song! I listened to that one again tonight!

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  10. I'm praying for a miracle for Ben. I want to read one day the doctors were wrong. until then I will keep praying for your precious family!

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  11. It's hard to believe that one can love a family without ever meeting them but your little family has stolen my heart. Your children are beautiful and I love their dimples when they smile and how their eyes sparkle. You are all in my thoughts and prayers every day. Wishing you a wonderful anniversary and a very special 5th birthday to Ben and Jack on Monday. I pray every day for a miracle for Ben. GOD bless all of you.

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  12. I know it's not the song you hear, but it reminded me of you and your family the instant I heard it. It's Luke Bryan's "Drink a Beer." These lines stuck with me. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers

    Funny how the good ones go
    Too soon, but the good Lord knows
    The reasons why, I guess
    Sometimes the greater plan
    Is kinda hard to understand
    Right now it don't make sense
    I can't make it all make sense

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  13. Have you listened to "You were there" by Avalon. It is beautiful.

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  14. Mindy, thank you for being you. Thank you, THANK YOU for simply being you. <3 Praying, momma!

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  15. I think you'll be blessed by this interview and song "Beauty Will Rise" by Steven Curtis Chapman, from the album of the same name. http://youtu.be/anWvTEuNoOg

    It was the day the world went wrong
    I screamed till my voice was gone
    And watched through the tears
    As everything came crashing down

    Slowly panic turns to pain
    As we awake to what remains
    And sift through the ashes
    That are left behind

    But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams
    We have this hope

    Out of the ashes
    Beauty will rise
    And we will dance among the ruins
    We will see it with our own eyes
    Out of these ashes
    Beauty will rise
    For we know joy is coming
    In the morning

    In the morning
    Beauty will rise

    So take another breath for now
    And let the tears come washing down
    And if you can't believe
    I will believe for you

    'Cause I have seen the signs of spring
    Just watch and see

    Out of these ashes,
    Beauty will rise
    And we will dance among the ruins
    We will see it with our own eyes

    Out of this darkness
    New life will shine
    And we'll know joy is coming in the morning

    In the morning,
    I can hear it in the distance
    And it's not too far away
    It's the music
    And the laughter of a wedding and a feast

    I can almost feel the hand of God
    Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
    You say "It's time to make everything new
    Making it all new"

    This is our hope
    This is a promise
    This is our hope
    This is a promise

    It will take our breath away
    To see the beauty that's been made
    Out of the ashes
    Out of the ashes

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  16. Mindy, I have been following your posts about Ben for about a month now. Your family is on my mind and in my prayers daily. I've never commented before but I just wanted to tell you how much your faith amazes me. I have a three-year-old son so my heart aches for you and I am blown away by the pure faith and trust in God you are showing during such an awful, trying, heartbreaking time. You are allowing God to completely shine through you and it is so beautiful to witness. You are truly an inspiration. As you may know the southern states (where I live) have been hit this week with massive tornadoes. I came across this blogpost today and this mother's faith in the face of devastating loss reminded me of you. I wanted to share it with you as I thought it might be an encouragement and inspiration to you. Thank you for being an example to those of us whose faith is not as strong as yours. I am praying for healing for Ben and for strength, peace, and comfort for the rest of your beautiful family.

    http://thehodgepodgedarling.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-cheerleader.html?m=1

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  17. Prayers for Ben and all of you. Love that song by SC and more the story depicted which is the one where the missionaries including Jim Elliot (Elisabeth's husband) lost his life sharing the gospel. Praying for a miracle and for peace and comfort while you wait on our loving, heavenly Father, God.

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  18. "I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
    But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
    The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
    That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

    But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
    That there will be a place with no more suffering

    There will be a day with no more tears
    No more pain, and no more fears
    There will be a day when the burdens of this place
    Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
    But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

    I know the journey seems so long
    You feel you're walking on your own
    But there has never been a step
    Where you've walked out all alone

    Troubled soul don't lose your heart
    Cause joy and peace he brings
    And the beauty that's in store
    Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

    But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
    That there will be a place with no more suffering

    There will be a day with no more tears
    No more pain, and no more fears
    There will be a day when the burdens of this place
    Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
    But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

    I can't wait until that day where the very one
    I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
    To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
    O, this is why, this is why I sing

    There will be a day with no more tears
    No more pain, and no more fears
    There will be a day when the burdens of this place
    Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

    There will be a day with no more tears
    No more pain, and no more fears
    There will be a day when the burdens of this place
    Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

    There will be a day he will wipe away the tears
    He will wipe away the tears
    He will wipe away the tears
    There will be a day

    - There Will Be A Day, by Jeremy Camp

    I know it isn't what you heard, but it reminded me of that same theme.

    I have chronic illnesses which, at 27, mean I've had 4 brain surgeries in 2 years, have a full-blown migraine every day of my life, and live in so much pain that sometimes I curl up in bed and tell God I'm okay with dying young because of the pain. Your blog posts remind me to be thankful that for now I'm alive, even though practically all of that life is just severe physical pain with no hope for healing except through God. This song encourages me that, one day, there WILL be healing, NO MORE PAIN, NO MORE TEARS. that is how i survive. without that hope i wouldn't be able to survive. i pray that when Ben experiences healing in the near future, it is here on earth rather than in Heaven. most of all, i look forward to being with Jesus, and i wonder what it will be like when i feel His hands and wrists - which bore the nails i deserve. i was watching "Heaven is for Real" and, while i was actually kind of disappointed that it didn't go into nearly as much detail as the book and therefore wasn't as convincing in my personal opinion, i was thinking about that scene where the father yells to God, "Don't you take my son!" that really stood out to me because as sinners, we are only too happy to have our sin forgiven through the blood of Christ. not "happy" as in we're smiling because Jesus had to suffer & die for us, but happy as in we are relieved and willing to accept that gift rather than take the punishment on ourselves. that man was yelling at God not to take his son, but nobody yells to God, "Don't you GIVE YOUR Son!" i guess what i'm trying to say is that God knows exactly how you feel because His Son was dead. His perfect, blameless Son who LITERALLY never did a single thing wrong, put to death. (Not to imply Ben is "bad" in any way, he's a sinner just like every other person on this planet.)

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  19. (continued from previous...) Please, read my previous comment so that this makes sense, because it's important. The following words have an important message which begins in the previous comment.
    (continuing...)

    and what's more, here's what stands out to me:

    GOD HAD THE POWER TO STOP IT.

    those prayers we're all sending up? the pleas on behalf of Ben for his life? God the Father was in that position in that His Son was dying. HE COULD HAVE STOPPED IT. but HE CHOSE US. He LET His Son die. Why? FOR US. for a greater cause. perhaps, if Ben is to die, it's FOR US. (not you & me literally, but the people who need to see Jesus and Ben may be the vessel through which God chooses to share Him.) not to compare Ben to Jesus, obviously Christ died for all humanity in perfection for the forgiveness of our sins, but the idea that perhaps God may choose not to stop his death here on earth because THERE ARE SOULS AT STAKE. of course as humans, as a parent you want Ben for yourself. it's only natural! but perhaps, if God's plan is in fact to take Ben Home soon, this is how He will provide the comfort He PROMISES to provide; perhaps it will come in knowing that Ben's life has been used by God to win souls to Him.

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  20. I pray for your son by name every night. I have twins girls who I adore along with their big sister and I can't imagine walking the road you have been asked to walk. I just want you to know how you inspire me, how you touch my life, as a mom of twins, I've hurt for you guys, cried for you one mother to another. I can *almost* imagine some of the pain you must feel and worries for the boys you might have as I watch the bond between my 17 month olds grow every day. But then I read every update and you lift me up. I find myself screenshotting your blog post for my husband to read as his father goes through the end stages of cancer. I brag on how amazing you are for the way you handle things with your little boys and try to let some of your strength rub off on him.
    I have found myself pulled back to church, burning to have that relationship with god again that I see so clearly written in your post.
    Today's post hit me so hard. God is the same God he was yesterday as he will be tomorrow. I pulled away from god after I lost my mother at 17 and then 3 babies back to back, when I let him back into my heart my odd came and then 2 years later my twins and I marvel in that every day! But your post has opened my eyes to the fact that through all the painful days I've walked through, every tear I've cried, god cried with me. Even when I didn't want him near me, he was there, and he is the same god today that rejoices with me in my good fortune as he will be in the future when the roads get tough again.
    I just want you to know that you inspire my walk with Christ. I hadn't been to my old church in 6 years! After reading your post I'm falling back into it, giving my girls the chance to have the relationship with god that I grew up with.
    I pray for you and your whole family and I'm sending so much love your way!

    There is some kind of purpose in all of this, and I believe part of it is for you and Ben to be touching wayward Christians lives like myself and helping us find our way back home again. ��

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    1. Beth Ashley, You are the purpose in all this. Mindys writing is touching so many lives as we all log on continuously to be inspired and check on our beloved Ben. God uses all things for purpose and while the Sauers are walking this painful path, God is working miracles through them even if he ends up not giving them a miracle of their own.

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  21. Praying for you and your family. This was the first song I thought of when I read your post. I know it's not the one you lost but I hope it blesses you and your family to listen to it.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxEtOkBg25Y

    Everlasting God Lyrics (NewLife Worship)

    One thing I know that I have found
    Through all the troubles that surround
    You are the Rock that never fails, You never fail

    Verse2:

    One thing I know that I believe
    through every blessing I receive
    You are the only One that stays, You always stay

    Chorus
    You never change, You're still the same
    You are the Everlasting God
    You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed
    everlasting God

    Verse 3:
    One thing I know that I have found
    Through all the troubles that surround
    You are the Rock that never fails, You never fail

    Chorus
    You never change, You're still the same
    You are the Everlasting God
    You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed
    everlasting God

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  22. I have 2 awesome birthday shirts going in the mail today to you PO box. I tried really hard to get them done earlier but it just didn't happen. I hope the boys like them even if they come in after their birthday. I'm hoping they will be delivered Monday though.

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  23. Mindy, your words inspire me in my walk of faith. I turned my back on God at one time because I was so tired of the pain in my life. "How could You ignore my pleas of help? What kind of God are You, when you allow so much suffering?" For years I tried to ignore Him but slowly He brought me back to Him.
    Thank you, Mindy, for helping to fill in the cracks of doubt that linger in the far background of my faith.

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  24. Mindy, a song came to my mind as I was reading your post...even before you mentioned hearing a song. Here is a great song about receiving the good and hard stuff from the same God. The song is As Long as You Are Glorified"

    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SZHfv2ivUrM

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  25. Hello Ben,
    I have been following your story since March 7 and praying for you and your family everyday since. I wasn't sure if I would ever write or speak to you in person. All I can tell you is I have felt very close to you many times while speaking to God, Jesus and Mary about you. Today I decided to write you as soon as I found out about your birthday because it falls on the same day as my mother-in-laws. Her lucky number was 5, as she was born on 5/5/50 and you remind me of her from your mom's blog. I hope you received my gift back in March, if so did you pick the blue or red and white. May God bless you and your family with Divine Mercy and Love.

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  26. Once again, you just amaze me! I pray you have a great weekend getting ready to celebrate the boys' birthday as well as your anniversary. May you continue to feel His presence surrounding you at all times.

    God Bless,

    Janet Inman

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  27. We've heard the birthday that is the same number as the day your were born described as the "Golden Birthday". Given that it's the same month *and* day, *and* he has a brother to share it, seems like an extra-golden day indeed. God's richest, sweetest blessing to him and you all today. You have frequently been on my mind and in my prayers.

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  28. "Can you tell me where the library is?" I can remember the first time Andy told me about you. It took over 45 minutes. “Chris, there’s this teacher at my school, man. She’s smart...the kids and teachers love her….and the best part, she’s is down with G.O.D!” The only problem was his fear to approach you. Good thing he came up with that where’s the library line! When you say that it was love at first sight, you ain’t kidding. Never take for granted how lucky you two are to have found one another…let me re-phrase that, never forget that God brought you two together and please do not take that for granted. It is not too common these days.
    You two define the words “equally yoked”! Andy has always put God first and in return, he blessed Andy with you.
    Your family continues to be in our prayers. It’s all in God’s plan. I hope you all enjoy May 5th. It brings back wonderful memories…
    -Your Brother

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    1. Aw, thanks, Chris. Seven (and twenty five plus) years later, and you're still Andy's best man. Very grateful for your friendship in our lives... and the fact that you didn't dissuade him from pursuing me! ;)

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  29. Dear Mindy,


    I have been following your story since the end of February and think of you all daily. I have posted before about our daughter, Megan, now 21 who has cancer and now just found out it is in her liver and possibly in her cerebral spinal area. Megan has had different issues since birth, the cancer for the last two years and it is spreading. This is a difficult road, and I too believe that our God is an awesome God and sees the whole puzzle and is walking this journey with those of us who receive Him and put their faith in Him. I am so encouraged by your faith and posts that I can't wait to read the next one. Our Anniversary is also on Monday, May 5th, along with my parents. I do understand kind of not having that in the forefront of your mind, as neither have way, I am so excited for the fact that it is also the twins birthday and God has given you all the opportunity to enjoy that with Ben here on earth. Our God is greater, our God is stronger, our God is higher than any other,.. thank you for your encouragement as you continue to trust in HIm.

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    1. What a big day 5/5 is in your family, too! That's amazing. Prayers for your Megan as well. <3

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  30. What a beautiful gift! To be able to celebrate Ben and Jack's birthday, and your anniversary, and give glory to God for all the goodness your marriage and their little lives have brought to you and to others. Yes, Monday should be a day of giving glory to God, for all His benefits and blessings.
    Do not forget the Book of Job. Job was faithful, yet, Satan was allowed to smite him, because God allowed Job to prove his love for God was not due of the blessings of God, but for God alone. Job would not curse God. At the end of the book, God asks Job, in essence, where where you (o tiny man) when I created the heavens and the earth?
    Glory to God that He has given you all this time with Ben. May Ben live to see you into old age, and to see his own grandchildren, and glorify God with his whole life. Praying God will heal Ben, and he will be able to join Jack at school.
    God bless you Mindy and Andy. May He strengthen and guide you on this narrow and craggy path you are walking. May you soon come upon a broad and refreshing meadow where you will find great joy.

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  31. Happy (early) birthday to Jack and Ben and happy (early) anniversary to both of you as well!!

    I've been thinking of your family a lot lately. And I've been praying for you all a lot as well. I can't imagine how you must feel, but I know that the God I know is the same One that you know. And I know that when I feel like I can't take life anymore, when a bad day has turned into a super stressful week and I just want to quit everything, He is the One Who give me the strength to carry on. And I end up stronger (through Him of course!) in the end if I let Him work in my heart and life. I can see too that God is giving you strength and that in it all, you're giving Him glory. It's so encouraging to me and I am praying for you all.

    Love and hugs!
    Lizzie

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  32. Mindy, you are a gift from God.The courage and trust you have in God is bringing so many of us back to him. Little Ben is so special to God, if his path takes him to paradise, every angel will be rejoicing. Jesus will keep him close , and someday hand him back to you. You have filled God's heart with joy. Thank you expressing your love and trust in God, you have helped so many believe again.

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  33. Mindy this is so beautiful! I remember meeting you for the first time and then inquiring about you later to Andy to get the details... we all laughed when he told us he asked for directions to the library just to meet you! Gotta love that sly guy ;)
    As always in prayer for you as a family.

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  35. today's verse was Romans 12:12 - "rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer." those three things pretty much sum up where you, Ben, and the rest of your family are at right now, as well as those walking this journey with you. we rejoice that there IS hope in Him, which could mean healing on earth or the ultimate healing in Heaven. we persevere in tribulation, taking each and every step one at a time, riding out the waves as each one passes. and we're devoted to prayer. obviously.

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  36. Happy birthday, Jack and Ben. Happy Anniversary Mindi and Andy. God bless you and your family now to eternity in His Love. Burnie Ott

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