God of the Ages

Monday is our seventh wedding anniversary.

 

As much as our relationship truly is worth celebrating, it's a day that is often overlooked by another very exciting occasion in our home: Jack and Ben's birthday! It truly has become a day of celebration in our home!

 

At the beginning of February, just after receiving Ben's grim diagnosis, we didn't expect Ben to even make it past the end of March, much less his birthday. But today is the first day of May and he's still here and still very alert. And let me tell you, that boy is so very excited about turning five on 5/5! When you're a four-year-old counting down to your birthday since last May, being able to say that your birthday is only four days away is almost too much to contain!

 

But even amidst the countdown, I hadn't remembered it being our anniversary until my mom mentioned it the other day.

 

I've been thinking a lot about those first few months with Andy. The butterflies. The excitement. The excessive amount of time I put in front of the mirror but then acting as if I just threw myself together in a moment's notice. Andy thinks I'm patronizing him when I say that I never believed in love at first sight until I met him. But it's really true! When he walked passed my classroom in the beginning of the school year, I remember the wind blowing the curtains through the window (even though I didn't have curtains) and sappy love music whooshing through the room the moment he popped in my doorway. "Excuse me, my name is Andy Sauer. I'm the new aide." I introduced myself, completely smitten, and then he added, "Can you tell me where the library is?"

 

Geez, either this guy is really bad with directions or he was just looking for any opportunity to introduce himself. The library was right down the hall. Either way, I thought he was completely adorable. His smile. His "honest-looking" eyes. It would be a few weeks of flirting during lunch duty, pleasant hellos as we passed in the hallway and doodling his name when I should have been grading papers before he learned that we had been going to the same church - different services - for several years and had never realized.

 

My mom loved him right away, as did all of the teachers we worked with. My fifteen-year-old brother thought he was super cool. My two sisters gave him an immediate thumbs-up. My dad held back just so at least one person in the world would show some restraint and not let Andy think he didn't have to work for it.

 

So many fantastic memories. Our courtship, engagement and then first year of marriage... bliss. I truly have never been more happy in all of my entire life. And then we found out we had been successful in getting pregnant... with twins! And THEN they were born on our anniversary! And then Megan arrived three years later who added more joy to our family than we could have even imagined. Oh, how much goodness can one couple take?!

 

There have been dozens of moments throughout the past seven+ years that I had to pinch myself. Things were just too good to be true. Could so much good be happening to me? To my family? Oh, God, how You have blessed us!

 

And then, just a few months ago, just two weeks after learning that God had blessed us with another pregnancy, we learned of Ben's diagnosis. Cancer. Weeks to live. How quick I was to turn on God.

 

"How could You do this to us? To our beloved son? What have we done wrong? How could You let this happen? We've only ever done our best to honor You!"

 

We felt abandoned. Hurt. Punished. I was so angry, I couldn't even talk to Him. It was just too painful.

 

God took my anger. And He didn't think ill of me. He let me yell at Him in anguish. In pain. Curse His existence and question His plan. Thankfully, we serve a God big enough to handle these emotions. After all, He created us. We would be foolish to think He couldn't acknowledge when we experienced emotions all over the spectrum.

 

A song came on the radio the other day as I drove Jack to preschool that really stood out to me. I scribbled some of the words on a deposit slip I had in the glove compartment in order to listen to it again later. Except I lost the paper and I now I can't think of the words. But here's the gist: God is the same God of the good times and the bad. He never changes. And He's always there.

 

You know those times you pinch yourself because things are going really well? You're feeling like you're on top of the world and don't know how you ever got to be so lucky?

 

God was there.

 

You know those times when you've yelled at Him in disgust? Frustrated at what He appeared to be doing and so hurt by the appearance that He has completely neglected you?

 

God was there.

 

And not only was God there, but the Bible tells us that He never changed. The same God that blessed me so much more than I deserved is the same God that allowed this to happen to my son. He didn't make it happen, but He allowed it, nonetheless.

 

As I was (unsuccessfully) searching on YouTube for the song I had heard,*** I did find this one by Steven Curtis Chapman. I knew the words from years ago, but it also seemed especially appropriate to hear it again in this season of our life: God is God and I am not.

 

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=god+is+god+and+i+am+not+steven+curtis+chapman

 

He has a plan. And despite what our culture has taught us, we are not at the center of it. God is painting a huuuuge picture. And we are just one piece.

 

I am not particularly enjoying this road we have been asked to walk. It's exhausting. Uncertain. And painful. But knowing that our future is secure, our God is constant and His love is never-ending? Yeah, that makes it a whole lot easier.

 

Because He really has been so so good to us. Present circumstances included.





***Update: I finally found the song I had mentioned before! It's called "The Same God" by Newsong: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogFOMvGcma0.