I can't promise that I won't cry this Christmas.
That I won't secretly wish there'd be two little boys running into our room in the morning, excited to see if Santa had been here. That my heart won't sink to see our kids open their gifts and knowing that their brother isn't physically next to them. To know that I won't have a picture of all four in front of the Christmas tree. I can't promise that my eyes won't well up with tears when I look at the beauty of the lights, the handmade ornaments, and pictures of sweet Ben from this time last year. I can't promise that I won't get sick, imagining how special things would be if we were all together on this side of heaven. I cannot make any promises.
But I can promise you one thing: I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can.
All of my kids have had Angel Kisses, those red spots below their nose. But at three months old, Kate's seem to be holding on the longest. So very special.
We still have so much to celebrate.
I want to soak in the squeals from Jack and Megan as they open each thoughtfully-purchased gift. To enjoy Kate's smiles and coos as we praise God for His goodness in blessing us with her little life. To match their dimples to the ones on Ben's face, and reflect how much he loved his siblings. To feel God's loving arms wrapped around us in the moments where we have to look away in order to shield our tears. I want to live our lives as a celebration of Ben's life. His legacy. I want to celebrate God's continued grace and mercy on our family. Even in the midst of tragedy, God has been there.
Though we have great pain, we also have great joy. And joy is not a feeling, it is a decision.
So today, I choose JOY.
Christmastime must be especially magical in heaven.
Merry Christmas, from our family to yours!
Love, the Sauers
all six of us