Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Where My Feet are Planted

People have been asking how we're doing. How we've been getting through each day.
 
My short answer: one moment at a time.
 
My long answer: We're soaking in every minute with our kids, their laughs, their giggles, their questions. We're spending time with friends. Investing time with family. Feeling our active Baby Girl kick in utero, wondering what she'll be like and completely stunned that she'll be here in six weeks or less. We're talking, laughing, crying, remembering, celebrating, and grieving. Experiencing every emotion possible, all at the same time.




 
It's been almost three months since Ben entered heaven. And we've spent that time trying to find out what life without him on earth looks like.
 
Jack talks about his brother multiple times a day. He'll point to one of the hundreds of pictures that line our walls and say, "I wish it were... THIS day!" And he'll go on to explain the adventure they were experiencing in that particular moment. Catching a frog, making a slingshot out of the water hose in the backyard, making s'mores and spider-dogs while camping two years ago. And each of his memories is just beautiful. How else would you expect a five-year-old to remember his twin, the only person he spent more time with than his own mother? Every single one of his memories is tied to Ben. It was a relationship we had worked hard to foster since birth. Ben's absence means a whole new learning curve for his brother who is now learning life as a singleton. And so it seems that Jack's timeline of life is now divided into three sections: When Ben was alive, When Ben was sick, and After Ben died.
 
Oh, how it breaks my heart.

Jack drew a picture of our family, all six of us. Including his new Baby Sister, still 33 weeks in utero.
 
There are days when Andy and I are especially weepy, crying much of the day and into the night. And then there are a string of several days where the tears don't come. I don't know that we feel any further from God on any given day. We just hurt. And grieve. And try to move on.
 
We're different people than we were seven months ago. We feel more deeply. We love more passionately. We hurt more severely.
 
Oh, how I wish we never had to walk this road. How I wish that God would have allowed us to have Ben - the healthy Ben - for a long long time. What I wouldn't give to have my whole family together again.
 
Throughout these past few months, I've had a lot of tough moments. Moments that made me cry until my eyes burned. Moments where I missed our old life with Ben so much that I wanted to throw up. Moments that made me so angry where I just wanted to give it all up and just hide in a corner. But in thinking about our horrific journey over the past few months, one moment stands out as my worst. And it lasted much longer than a few moments.
 
My lowest low was just before we came home from the hospital with Ben. Our compliant four-year-old had emerged from life-threatening brain surgery with flying colors, just days after discovering the source of his headaches, and we waited a pain-stakingly four days for them to determine what kind of tumor we were dealing with. Up until that point, I was full of faith. Scared, but hopeful. There's no way God would take our son, I thought. He needs us to trust Him. Just like God tested Abraham. He wouldn't ask us to sacrifice our own son. He will carry us through. I just know He's going to heal Ben. We knew our God was capable of a complete physical healing, but we were also aware of His sovereignty. God was in no way obligated to intervene. But we weren't allowing our imaginations to go there. Not unless we had to.
 
And then we had to.
 
The neurosurgeon said Ben's tumor was Stage IV Glioblastoma. Cancerous. Aggressive. The most aggressive of the aggressive tumors, just shy of the line where doctors would have deemed him 'untreatable.' Ben had a 3% chance of survival with this cancer that normally showed itself in a man of his fifties. But it also had a 100% reoccurrence rate. We would undergo an extensive treatment plan, but even in the best case scenario, that would only give us a little more time with him on earth. It would not heal him.
 
It was a death sentence.
 
The tears of anguish Andy and I cried in the hallway of Children's Hospital that night tasted even bitter than the thousands of others we had shed over those past few days. Without a miracle, we had a pretty good idea of the road that faced us. Even after looking into several homeopathic options and running them by our doctors, we were being sent home in order to watch our son die.
 
That, my friends, was my lowest point.
 
I was at the bottom of the pit. In darkness. Completely confused and angry at my God for allowing this to happen. We had always tried to be so faithful. How is something like this even possible? Our story had begun to spread and people felt invested in seeing how God was going to carry us through. Was this some sort of reward for being a faithful follower? Was it possible that we were just too grateful, too proud, of everything He had blessed us with?
 
That's when it's especially important to know where you stand. To have chosen a solid foundation where you keep your feet planted. Because without it, we would have surely drowned.
 
It was during this time where I was especially grateful to have memorized scripture in the past.
 
I'm telling you, there is no one in the world that can pull you out of a pit that deep. No word of encouragement from a friend of stranger that would shed light on your situation. No self-help book in the world that can talk you off the cliff. It's that silent voice of God, speaking to you in the midst of the darkness. Those quiet words of faith that you memorized as a child that speak against the words of doubt, worry, and fear. Those words of truth you've cling to all your life. That you knew to be true because you had seen them in action for many years as you've walked with God.
 
When I was in high school, I kept a small notebook of some of my favorite verses. I still have it. Throughout different points in my life, I've taken it out and scrolled through until I found one that encouraged me and then committed it to memory. Not only did that simple practice help get me through some challenging times, but it also helped keep me focused. In times of doubt, those were the words that were brought to my mind.
 
This past weekend, our pastor talked about having a Life Verse. A verse (or collection of verses) from the Bible that you've chosen to define you. To outline your faith and give you structure for your life. And the one I've always identified with was Jeremiah 29:11.
 
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give
you hope and a future."
 
Those horrific few months where I had to watch my baby struggle were some of the worst moments of my entire life. Largely because I couldn't see where truths outlined in that verse fit in anymore. I had always been able to see God's hand in my life. Even when things didn't go exactly according to my plan, they always turned out even better than I could have expected. We prayed for God's protection, His blessings, His favor. And He had always proven to be a merciful and gracious God. But this situation seemed to throw all of that out the window. God wants what's best for me? How is this good? How is this positive? How was this going to benefit me? How could this possibly give my family a hope and a future?
 
Honestly, I still don't have the answers to those questions. I'm doubtful that I ever will. I do see glimpses of how God used our story for good. And that brings me a lot of comfort. But it doesn't take the pain away. They are, however, the closest thing to "answers" as I can muster.
 
And yet, in the midst of it all, I hold to the truths I've memorized:
  • God is good. All the time. (1 Timothy 4:4,5)
  • Only good and perfect gifts come from Him. (James 1:17)
  • He loves us more than anything. So much so, that He sent His only son to die so we could be saved. (John 3:16)
  • He will make everything perfect, in His time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)
  • Everything will eventually work out for His glory. (Romans 8:28)
As much as I may have wanted to abandon my faith over the past few months - and Lord knows, I tried - I couldn't. Because God has always been so real to me. My faith has always been my stronghold. Andy was the one who had to remind me when we were in the thick of things: "Mindy, we can't do this on our own. We need the Lord." Oh, he was so right. The truths listed in these scriptures weren't just words on a page. They were breathing breath into my lungs. My silent strength. Even when I struggled to see their validity, I felt them to be true. Just as they always had been. I could never abandon my God because He had never abandoned me.
 
It still makes me cry to see Ben's picture. To remember how much joy he added to our family, to Jack and Megan... and knowing he won't be here on earth to be a big brother to our newest daughter next month... to know that Jack will be entering kindergarten alone... to know we will be experiencing a whole new "season of firsts" without him. I absolutely hate it.
 
But as much as it pains me to think of Jack having lost his brother, the possibility of Jack and Megan losing their mom too hurts me even more. I refuse to allow grief to swallow me up and steal my identity. To steal my joy. I refuse to allow my pain to influence and lessen my kids' quality of life. I absolutely refuse.
 
And so I continue to read scripture. Spend time with my husband and comfort him in his grief. Remind myself of God's sovereignty and take comfort in the fact that God did use Ben's story for good, even though Satan meant for it to destroy us. Read books, care for my growing belly, and spend time with Godly people who encourage me to be myself. To cry, weep, mourn, and remember. To look positively into the future while also being mindful of the past and how far God has carried us. Because as "final" as death feels, I know that it is merely the beginning. And there is coming a day where we will be reunited with our dear son, where God will wipe away our tears, and He will escort us into our forever home, saying, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
 
I'm not gonna lie. As much as I know that God still has a plan for me on earth, I am really looking forward to heaven. A quarter of my heart is already there.
 
And because for the very first time, I'll be Home.

62 comments:

  1. Hi Mindy. I think of you and your precious family almost every day. I have been wondering how you are doing... how you are all getting by. I don't really have much to say other than I am thankful for your words. You are an inspiration to many. You and your family - and your faith in God - make me want to be a better Mommy. You also stir in my heart to get back to reading my Bible which I've been "too busy" to do. I can't imagine - not even for a second - how you are getting through each day, but I do believe with all my heart as you do it is through God alone. Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers...

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  2. Beautiful Mindy <3 I think of your family and pray for you all every day. Thank you for sharing how you have been coping. You have a very beautiful heart.

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  3. Mindy there has not been a day that has gone by that I do not think of Ben as well as Jack, Megan, Andy and you. My heart goes out to you still.

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  4. Still praying for your family every day. And yes, there is nothing more comforting that God's Word. It holds us together, sustains us, and gives us hope. One day at a time: that's the ticket. Much love to you, Mindy.

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  5. Think of you and your family...love your heart...pray for all of you.

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  6. You are always in our prayers. Thank you for helping me rediscover God's word it truly is comforting.

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  7. The last 2 paragraphs! Wow....no words. God bless you.

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  8. Mindy, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Ben. You and your family will be in my prayers tonite and every night. There is a little girl in my town of gilroy, California who lost her battle with DIPG on February 12th of this year. She was only 6 years old. Her name was Jennifer Lynn Kranz. She was diagnosed with dipg on her birthday last year which was October 28th. She lived for 3 more months. Her mom Libby Kranz also has a blog. Maybe you can read it and connect with her mom somehow. God bless you and your whole family. ♡

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  9. Your words literally jump off the page and into people's hearts. I cannot read your posts without crying. Your perspective, though I'm sure many times so difficult to find, is just simply God. Thank you for writing.

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  10. Still thinking of you all and praying for you when the Lord brings you to mind. So grateful for the hope of heaven!

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  11. I can't begin to understand your pain and grief but my heart goes out to you and your family. I agree with you that if I were to loose one of my kids I'd feel like part of my heart would be elsewhere and I would look forward to the day it would become whole again. I admire your faith, strength and courage to go on and I wish you all the best with your soon to arrive little girl who will always be looked out for by a big sister and not just a big brother on earth but one in heaven as well

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  12. God bless you and your precious family. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. ��

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  13. God bless you Mindy. Every night when I pray I ask God to somehow take away your grief and pray that he helps you make it through.

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  14. Dear Mindy,
    Thinking of your precious family. We have been touched deeply by your story. You are beautiful and courageous.
    I would like to ask your permission to sign Ben's name on the memory wall at the Tops 5K on August 23rd and permission for my daughter to go "Blue 4 Ben" at our garage sale. All money raised on 8/8, 8/9 & 8/10 will be donated to Roswell Park for cancer research.
    I watched my father struggle, suffer and die following a battle with lung cancer. He was treated at Roswell Park. This will be my 6th Tops 5K. Sadly my list for the memory wall grows each year.
    You are forever in our hearts.
    Belinda Quinn and family

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    1. Thank you so much, Belinda. I got your card as well. Thank you. We would be honored. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and generosity! <#

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  15. May God continue to comfort and bless the whole Sauer family.

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  16. Your story is so touching. I'm so sorry you've had to experience that sort of loss. I am thinking of and praying for you guys. When you said you had tried to abandon the faith but couldn't, I immediately thought of John 10:27-28. What a beautiful promise that we cannot be plucked out of His hand! You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. Much love and many blessings your way!

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  17. After reading this I just want to give you a big, fat, hug. ♡ You are such a good mom. How I wish there was something I could do to help ease your pain. But as a mother, I also realize there is nothing short of having your sweet son home with you and your family that can truly do that. Mindy, I hope you know how much you are loved! And I pray that one day soon God gives you the answers you are longing for. XO, Leigh Anne

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  18. Thank you so so much for continuing to share your heart with us! I saw a video of Joni Ericson Tada this past weekend... she spoke of the hardships in her life... the pains the sorrows... she spoke about a particular day that her husband was driving her home from a chemo treatment... and life was sooo hard...she said... "I feel like hell is spilling over into our lives!" Her husband asked the question..."when is it that heaven is spilling over into our lives?... is it when all is well...when skies are blue and life is good?" She thought about it... and had to say "no"...She said... "Heaven spills over into our lives, when we find JESUS in the times that hell is spilling over into our lives!" :)

    You have shown the watching world what it looks like to find Jesus when hell is invading your world. It's powerful and beautiful!! I find myself wishing all the time, that this didn't have to be God's story... the story of a fallen planet... being redeemed by Him... I HATE the fallen part... (love the redeeming part)... I always find myself WISHING that we could have the SWEETNESS of Jesus in GOOD TIMES... the way that He pours His sweetness around us during the hardest, most broken times... then.. He reminds me, that THIS Is exactly what He has in store for those who love Him. When He comes again... the curse is removed... death is swallowed up and HE becomes our constant and present joy!! Keeping my eyes on that time with you!! Keep your eyes on Him Mindy!!

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  19. Lifting your family up in prayer. To God be the Glory.

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  20. Thank you so much for posting again. I have been thinking about you ever since we spoke at the park earlier today. When you said that explaining these things to a 4 yr old is difficult. But your family has helped us in teaching our children about what matters most, and that when you believe in Jesus, you have a different outlook and a different hope. After my Marissa spoke to you on the swings, she proceeded to the playground and asked the first little girl she saw if she believes in Jesus. The little girl just started at Marissa to which she responded that she believes in Jesus and when she dies she will go to Heaven and see Ben. You have humbled our family and I continue to thank you for that. Your family is always in our thoughts and we will continue to pray for you!!!

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    1. That is just beautiful. "Through the eyes of a child." So grateful to have run into you yesterday afternoon. I appreciate everything your husband and the rest of your family did on our behalf. <3

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  21. You will never know how much I needed those verses tonight as I'm struggling with some personal problems. God bless you.

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  22. Have been missing your posts, and thinking of you all often. I think of you all even when you don't post, but this post especially touched me. One day ... one day, Mindy, you will be together again, for all of eternity. Tears and prayers for you and your beautiful family until then.

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  23. I am in true awe of your faith every time I read your blog. You, Andy, Jack & Megan are an amazing picture of 2 Corinthians 12:9

    But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

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  24. You continue to touch me and so many others so deeply.. I feel every word you share, as my heart knows Ben because of you and God. His legacy is contagious. Selfishly, I wish You wrote every day, realistically, I know you need to live. Thank you for helping us see God through you and Ben. Xo

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  25. Mindy, you, Ben, and your family are ever in my heart and prayers. You and Andy are indeed good and faithful servants. Take heart that Jesus is coming soon. Every day is a day closer to joining our loved ones.

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  26. Thank you very much for your writing. I can't even imagine, how hard it is for you to do it, but it helps so many people. last month I was with my kids in my native country, and we went to my favorite church. I talked to my son about God, and put a candle for Ben.

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  27. Hi mindy, I have been checking your blog to read your next chapter in yoir life and I thought you had given up so im really pleased that you have written something so beautiful... I pray for you all and ben .God Bless x

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    1. Thanks, Pauline. I wait for both inspiration and opportunity - two things that can be very difficult for a grieving and pregnant mom with two kids! :) But as God inspires, I will write. <3

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  28. Mindy, I have your blog bookmarked and every morning I click on it to see if there is an update, and that is my reminder to continue praying for you and your family. You have articulated your thoughts so beautifully. I cannot pretend to understand the depth of your sorrow or your pain, but like you, I trust in the sovereignty of God... Job said in 13:15 "Though he slay me, I WILL (action) hope in him." This world is not our home, our hope is in Him, our future, because of the sacrificial work of Christ, is WITH Him for eternity...the days of this earthly life pass by and nothing is worth abandoning our relationship with Jesus. I am so encouraged that your foundation is firm, your questions are valid and your grief so raw, but yet you continue to trust in Him. As Isaiah said, "His ways are not our ways" He does not promise us earthly understanding, but a heavenly hope. Thank you for continuing to write, and I will continue to pray for your precious family. Love in Christ, Dottie (Cleveland, Ohio).

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  30. Mindy.... I check your blog often to see how you are doing.I am so pleased to see you writing again. Sometimes I feel when we write it it helps us get through things. I lost my twin sister 12 years a go and often wonder how Jack is doing. I was blessed to have her for a long time and just can't imagine how Jack is feeling.My blue light just burned out and I cried, I will be putting another in there.I pray for you and your family that you can get through the days and find comfort. May the Lord bless and keep all of you safe

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  31. Oh, Mindy, this is beautiful and hard and true. Sending you love from one bereaved believer to another! XO

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  32. Thinking of you, Mindy. This latest post made me cry--thank you for sharing your reflections. It's wonderful that you're able to grieve and yet still be present for your family. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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  33. Dear Mindy, Andy, Jack, Megan & baby sister,
    Like so many, we are praying. I keep a picture of you and Ben on my prayer board at work and see it many times each day and am reminded to pray. We are learning with you about God's presence and love in all circumstances. We hang onto truth when we are weak and need Him so desperately, and know that He is at work to accomplish His perfect will even when we haven't got a clue what it is and why things are happening. Thank you for sharing and teaching us what you are learning. We love you and your family, but so much more importantly, God does.

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  34. I bookmark this page and always check it to see if you have written any updates. I pray for you and your family, and think of you often. I did the Ride for Roswell this year (as I do every year) in memory of Ben. Thank you for posting those verses above.

    Sending you extremely large hugs from Tonawanda...

    -Amy

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  35. Oh Mindy, keep going dear sister in Christ. I am so proud of you! Hugs

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  36. Mindy, I lost my daughter almost a year ago and I still don't know how to get on without my daughter and dig myself out of this hole. I lean on God, but I am weak. I can't wait until I join my sweet girl in Heaven.

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    1. Oh Karen, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know that the pain will ever go away. How could it? We grieve much because we loved deeply. God created us to be passionate, emotional people. He created us to love. And with the presence of sin in the world (and therefore death,) it seems that grief is part of things as well. I will be thinking of you and your precious daughter. We will see our loved ones again someday. Of that I am certain. Prayers for you, friend. <3

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    2. Of that I am certain too, Mindy. This one year anniversary of Jessica's passing is really hard. She had severe cerebral palsy. She was our miracle girl, that was never supposed to live. She was 14 years and 10 months - she had 10 surgeries and over 20 hospital stays....she passed suddenly in her sleep when she was healthy (for her). I just don't understand why she had to leave us but I thank God it was peacefully. She was my world. I live in Clarence and we know some of the same people. I feel like I know you too. Thank you for your words, I read everything you write and you continue to inspire me with your strength. Thank you, and I continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  37. Mindy, your words continue to inspire me. I want so much to feel the presence of God and it seems so hard, even when I go to church and read scripture. I read once that Mother Teresa never felt the presence of God and prayed for it daily. I hope you continue to write, for so many reasons. You are doing a wonderful ministry with your blog. And your precious Ben, who so many thousands of us have loved, is the reason I strive for that closeness. God bless you all. And my sincere thanks.

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  39. That is your future. You guided Ben there. You must get there too--the right way. The hard way. With the arrow pierce that mother Mary knew. 1 Cor. 15:9. If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. This life is a trial--with many victories, but maturity comes with not all of them we want YET we remain His. Your enemy stands before God accusing you and your husband of being ready to turn on GOD if...Well??? It's a battle won if you come through. Job's feelings were hurt...and I'm sure David

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    1. 's first meal after fasting three days for his son was not without bitterness. You are wearing the big pants of faith without having everything our way.

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    2. Yet, as you have said and know, God is good. Good??? That doesn't even begin to describe Him to us! We'll never deserve His sweet goodness. Think going through with God is hard?? You don't want to try without HIM. Your enemy is just waiting for you to step onto his territory. People do many unwise things when in angry rebellion. Trials are surrounded with temptation to leave the God we love. There is an angry enemy with a swishing tail just waiting for you to take your arms from around JESUS. Don't let him have you or your family. Hold on. God's consolation is sweet. I know...

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  40. Empty hands held high
    Such small sacrifice
    If not joined with my life
    I sing in vain tonight

    May the words I say
    And the things I do
    Make my lifesong sing
    Bring a smile to You

    Let my lifesong sing to You
    Let my lifesong sing to You
    I want to sign Your name to the end of this day
    Knowing that my heart was true
    Let my lifesong sing to You

    Lord I give my life
    A living sacrifice
    To reach a world in need
    To be Your hands and feet

    So may the words I say
    And the things I do
    Make my lifesong sing
    Bring a smile to You

    Hallelujah
    Hallelujah
    Let my lifesong sing to You

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  41. Have you considered my servants the Sauers. Have you considered Mindy? How she holds my words dear? O, that's easy...she'll curse you to your face...I don't think so! I want to sign your name to the end of this day knowing that my heart was true. What does your lifesong sing to Him. Hallelujah!

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  42. Hi Mindy,

    I have followed your blog since February and I wanted to let you know how much you have changed my life. I have two boys, aged 4 and 2. The youngest one is also named Ben. I used to worry all the time about something bad happening to them. I sobbed at every one of your entries wondering how on earth a mother could deal with what you had to go through. But your faith in God was amazing and so inspiring! I no longer let myself dwell on the “what ifs”. I believe, like you, that someday I will have forever with my family in heaven. Any time spent on earth without them will feel like a blink of an eye compared to forever. My Ben likes me to sing songs before bed and I added Jesus Loves Me a few months ago. I think of you every time I sing it and how you used to touch both of your sweet boys’ hair. I’m so sorry you don’t get to have Ben’s head on your lap anymore. I pray you and your family have more joyous days than sad ones here on earth before you are all reunited in Heaven. Thank you so much for sharing your story! Jennifer in Denver, CO

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  43. I was so glad to see a new post on here when I looked this afternoon. They are always so beautiful and heartfelt. I continue to pray for all of your family and wonder how you are doing. I can't imagine the pain you must face each day and am so glad you are able to "push through" it for Jack, Megan, and Baby Girl. I have seen so many families give up on life and the siblings "lose" their parents as well.
    You all will continue in my prayers and ask Him to continue to bless and keep you in the palm of His hand.

    Janet Inman

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  44. I often go back and read past blogs, tears still stream but I read them for your words of strength!! I miscarried a couple of months ago and even though I have 3 lovely kiddos already, it hurt my heart having to go through that. There were days that I couldn't breathe, didn't want to get out of bed and it was made much worse when my mother in law told me how embarrassing it was that she now had to go and tell people that I was never pregnant. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die, seriously, but what kept me going was my kids, they needed me and little do they know I needed them more than ever and they'll never know how much they made a difference in my moment of need, not to mention a whole cluster of your blogs, your words that actually made sense to me, not that they didn't make sense before, but certain words stood out and it wasn't just one blog, like I said it was many. Some may say that miscarriage is not really a loss, but to me it is and I've had health related issues due to it for the past month and a half to find that because of the issues I may not be able to conceive again, but I'm lucky, I was blessed with 3 beautiful children and I remind myself that everyday especially when I find myself starting to cry seeing everyone post those "I'm pregnant" updates with sonogram pics that they just found out the gender and I'm truly happy for them and I certainly congratulate them, it just really saddens me because I should be sharing also!! Sorry, long winded I am. I think of your family often and I'm glad you all are doing as well as you can be, thank you for continuing your blog it means a lot to me and many others

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  45. Mindy, I have been reading your blog almost since the beginning. I have been praying for your family and I check in for updates. I just wanted to thank you for being so real. I haven't experienced anything close to as heartbreaking as you, but still the truth in your blog has encouraged me greatly. I have been able to apply little lessons to my life. I hope to come back and Reread certain posts when it have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Thank you for trusting God so much and for living out your faith in such a beautiful manner. I appreciate all your posts. I will continue praying for you and your family. Thank you again.
    Faith in maryland.

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  46. I know its a cliche but it also becomes a phase of your life that you dont carry forward..just the good parts go with you. All the illness & death parts are put away & the good memories dont make you cry anymore. Been 35 years since my 3yo boy passed and sometimes someone posts an old family pic with him in it & i hit the floor with grief but for the most part i can tell & hear the stories with laughter & love. Just keep moving forward & find the joy in each day. God bless you all.

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  47. I still think of you and Ben and your lovely family. My youngest is getting ready for kindergarten this fall, and I think of how your son Jack is also getting ready for that important day. How proud you must be for him, for reaching this milestone, while still grieving Ben's absence from this treasured day. How adorable your little girl is, and another little one coming soon. I think it is possible for our hearts to feel simultaneous joy and heartbreak, when you have more than one child your love for each is 100% without division. Our attention can be divided and our time can be divided, but the love we have for each of our children cannot. I think that is how God loves each of the billions of us, 100%. I see you keeping it together and taking good care of your family even through your heartbreak, and I really think that God will say those words to you in heaven one day.

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  48. Mindy,

    You crossed my mind today as I wondered if you're enjoying your newest addition in your arms or waiting anxiously and patiently for her arrival. Either way, I wish you peace and God's continued grace and mercy as you navigate the mix of emotions in the days and weeks to come. I think of your family often and continue to pray for all of you. With love, a fellow WNY mom...

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  49. Just checking in with Mindy, thank you for your update. Thank you for allowing us to see what grief with hope really look like. Prayers continued.

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  50. Hi Mindy -
    Hoping for an update soon. Im starting to miss your posts... Is the new baby here yet?!?!!! Thinking of you, your family and Ben.

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  51. Mindy, you and your family have been on my heart. I'm praying for you, especially in the next few days. I'm glad to see others have not forgotten you. May you find God's peace and comfort and joy, now and forever.

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  52. Hi Mindy. I hope you are having a wonderful Sunday. You and your family are still on my heart and in my prayers. You truly have become a friend from afar and I hope to meet you someday. I think you are a few weeks ahead of me in pregnancy. I hope little one comes easily. Third trimester and I don't really get along, but I have to keep reminding myself that God willing our little miracle will be at the other side of these days. Balancing toddlers and new baby and baby prep is proving difficult, but I want to spend as much time with them as I can before lo arrives. Looking forward to meeting your newest addition here too. And may the peace of Christ be with you today and always as you walk this path of life and motherhood.

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  53. Hi Mindy - I have wanted to write you many times after reading each post, yet the words escaped me. And the tears streaming down my cheeks seem to stifle it as well.
    Your words, and transperancy about the path your family is on is utterly inspiring. I cried & prayed so much for Ben, for all of you, as so many did.
    I wanted to tell you how much your writing has spoken to me direclty. They say 'when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.' You, Mindy, have been that teacher for me.
    I am blessed to be the mum to an almost 3 year old boy - my relationship with him has always been close, yet it has molded into something even more since I found your blog. Or it found me.
    I think about what I want to accomplish during my dash, what legacy I am building, who's life I can make a positive impact on. All I can say is, thank you.
    I have thought of you all even more, especially Jack, on this eve of Fall. You as a teacher understand more so the excitement & anxiety of a school year starting (and I am married to an Elementary Teacher - so I well understand too!), but the first day will no doubt be bittersweet.
    Know that we are all thinking of you.
    May God continue to bless the Sauer family - near & far.

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