Saturday, June 21, 2014

The Invisible Wound

On June 25, 1992, my oldest sister and I took a bike ride with our friends. Coming home the local diner, we rode down a reeeeeeeally steep hill before turning onto our road. In retrospect, it really wasn't all that steep, but as a ten-year-old, fifteen degrees on a bike felt like a step down from Mount Everest. My sister was leading the pack from the front and I was carrying the caboose. As I watched her start to round the corner, I saw her hit a big newspaper box at the end of a driveway and somersault over the top of it. She looked as limp as a rag-doll. Twenty two years later, I can still see it. And it happens in slow-motion.
 
I panicked. I was already coming down fast. So as I turned the corner, I pressed both brakes on my handlebars, bringing my bike to an immediate halt. Immediately. As in, it stopped right in the middle of the road, sending me sailing over the top of my bike and into the street.
 
I remember crawling over to my big sister, who was unconscious just a few feet away from me. One of our friends rode back to our house to get help while everyone else was crowded around my sister. Those few seconds felt like hours. Was she still breathing? Would she be alright? We all saw her flip over that box. And we were all scared to death.
 
One of the neighbors came out of her house when she heard the commotion and tried to ask my sister questions. She regained consciousness, but still hadn't the foggiest idea what had happened. She had no idea how she had gotten there.
 
I scraped my left wrist, but hadn't realized the extent of my injuries until my mom came and picked us up a few minutes later. It felt more comfortable for me to support my left arm with my opposite hand. All of our attention was on my sister. She would need a scan to be sure she was alright, to be sure she didn't have any internal bleeding. I was afraid my parents - who were always hesitant to let us go for rides without them - would ban us from ever leaving the house again. Maybe we were going down the hill too fast. Perhaps we were being negligent. I was silent as we drove to the hospital, except for the parts where I tried to remind my sister of exactly what had happened. After several times, I started to doubt it myself.
 
My sister's diagnosis: a concussion. She would be fine. Thankfully. It could have been so much worse. Me, on the other hand? I had a broken arm. I would need my arm set back in place (which was probably more painful than the initial break) and then heal for a few weeks with a cast up to my elbow, just three days into the summer. Bummer.
 
As the summer progressed, people would often ask me what had happened. How did I break my arm? How long would I be unable to get it wet? Could they sign it? But no one even knew that my sister had been part of that same bike accident until I told them the story. It wasn't that her injury was less serious than mine - on the contrary - it was just that her wound was invisible. Mine was highlighted by an obnoxious cast that even got strangers' attention. That's why I was the recipient of so much more initial sympathy.
 
She had an invisible wound.
 
I've thought about that story quite a bit over the past few days as we continue to grieve our son's death. I've often heard it said that losing a child is a lot like having an invisible wound. No one can tell by just looking at you, the amount of pain that you have - and continue - to suffer. No one can sense the amount of time you have spent crying over your loss, questioning why God didn't choose to heal Him, and yet praising Him for the wonderful time He had allowed us to have with such a wonderful little boy. It's an invisible wound, much like my sister's from our accident.
 
I can think of several people in my community that have lost loved ones in the past few years. Tragic circumstances. The kind that just makes your heart sink. A baby who drowned in a backyard pool. A little boy who was hit by a car in his driveway. An otherwise healthy teenager with an undetected blood clot in his lung. All of these precious children died, leaving behind a hurting family, grieving under some of the most tragic circumstances you could imagine. Years later, they still hurt. They still grieve their loss.
 
But if you put each of those mothers in a line-up amongst other women, you would never be able to determine who was who. Because there is nothing physical on them that demonstrates their loss. Because they chose to go on, to wear a smile even when they would be justified to stay home and cry every day. Because they chose to continue to find good in the everyday. To find ways to celebrate their children's lives, taken too soon. For themselves, for their families, for the loved ones they will see again in heaven.
 
They, like me, wear an invisible wound. It may not be visible to the naked eye, but given the opportunity, they can share the depth of their wounds and show evidence of their scars. And even in the midst of their own pain, they can give comfort to others.
 
Mine is an invisible wound. But given the vast number of people that had followed Ben's story, that had been touched by those long eye lashes and dimples of our Benjamin David, I don't feel like it's entirely invisible.
 
I run into so many people every day who had fallen in love with Ben. When I'm getting bloodwork, at the playground, in the bathroom at Walmart. And each time, women want me to know what a difference Ben's story had made in their lives. That his life was not in vain. Initially, they may apologize for making me upset. For reminding me of my loss. For reminding me of my pain. But honestly, I can't thank them enough.
 
I feel fortunate to have such a great community of people who are willing to surround us during this time. To acknowledge my invisible wound. To acknowledge the events of the past few months and not dismiss his life as if he never existed. Because that would be even more painful. Having so many people around me has helped with my healing. It helps comfort me in times when I feel sad. When I get discouraged at the possibility of finding joy again. When I worry that I will never be able to look at pictures with him in them without bursting out in tears. Because those people are reminding me that my invisible wound is real. That it hurts. But that it will be okay.
 
Broken bones heal. People recover from concussions. The invisible wounds sustained by a loved one's death, however, will always be present. But thankfully, the memories can never be erased.

When my dad signed my cast, all he wrote was "Romans 8:28." As a ten-year-old, it seemed kinda funny for a guy that I would have expected to draw a silly picture of himself or write something witty. Something to make me smile. But I probably wouldn't have remembered that if he had. Instead, I committed that verse to memory:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

And more than twenty years later, I am still finding that to be true.

68 comments:

  1. So powerful. So honest. Thankful that our God sees all our invisible wounds.

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  2. I wish I could give you a big hug. I cried for days after I read about Ben's passing. I would think about him while I was sitting in bed and burst into tears. God certainly had a plan for that little boy and it was to inspire many people. Be thankful that you have a son who inspired many. He is always with you, don't forget that <3

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  3. God bless you and your family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers constantly.

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  4. What a Wonderful story and so true ! There are So many wounds that we never know people have deep inside of them , no cast , no visible scars . last night as I walked the track at RELAY for LIFe I saw many luminaries dedicated to your little boy . one said blue for Ben. During the luminary ceremony we all walked together only seeing these lighyed bags wirh a votive to light them . kids walked and remembered grandparents , aunts , uncles , and some kids remembered Ben . i wanted to share what my son said after we heard the news about Ben . (13 year old) said he will wear blue every day this year to remember him . Keep telling the stories they are a part of your life journey and have given HOPE

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  5. Mindy, I think we all have a wound too, because you let us meet Ben through your blog, and we missed him too. Definitely, your wound is not invisible, at least, not for me.

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  6. Mindy , please know that this community loves you and your whole family, and that we care so much . We will not forget your invisible wound.

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  7. Mindy you continue to remind me to enjoy the little things in life with my children. I have written to you before so if I am repeating the same thoughts I apologize. I have 7 boys, one of my sons I was told (months ago when I first heard your story) by a friend resembles your Ben. The more I got to know your Ben through your blog the more I began to see the similarities in our sons. Ironically my sons name is the same as your Jack, he too is a Jonathan Andrew. My Jonathan is a little over a year older than your boys he turned 6 on February 2nd. My Jonathan is a pleaser & generally does as he is told. He is not a child that requires a lot of attention and it is easy to overlook him. The stories you have shared are a treasure to me. They remind me to not take anything for granted & to pay a little more attention to Jonathan even if he is not demanding my attention. Life is too short to not stop washing dishes & look my son in the eye when he is talking to me instead of giving him an empty "uh-huh" response.

    Oh today Jonathan and his brothers Samuel(4) & Benjamin(8) were playing with a snake in the yard. i couldn't help but think of your boys. I look forward to meeting your Ben in heaven. Lord willing I will meet you on day here on earth if not I will see you in heaven one day too. Praying for you often.
    In Christ,
    Jen

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  8. God bless you and your family. You are truly a inspiration

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  9. I still think about all of you very often.

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  10. Mindy, thank you for sharing. Your post reminds me of a quote I came across awhile back, one I hold close to my heart:

    "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."

    Thank you for the reminder. Praying for you ♡

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  11. I try to read all your post. Your courage is undeniable. I wish I could just hug you. I don't need to tell you that your adorable son has touched so many lives. God Bless you and your family.

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  12. Again, you have blessed my heart! I will never tire, nor cease to want to read as you share stories about sweet Ben and your other babies. They always inspire and bless me. Thank you for continuing to write your blog.

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  13. Every night I turn my BLUE porch light on, I look up and say "Goodnight Ben". He changed my world and I will never forget him.

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  14. Just yesterday i was talking about Ben to my sister and i never met him but feels like i knew him. Always in my prayers.

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  15. Mindy, when I first learned that Ben was sick I put blue bulbs in my porch lights that I kept on continuously through the second week of May. I prayed for Ben and you, Andy, your wonderful mom and dad whenever I saw them. As our lights go on at night now, I still pray for YOU each time I look at them that the God of all comfort would keep you close and continue to heal these invisible wounds.

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  16. I understand the " invisible wound ".

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  17. What courage you have! and your family is amazing! Tomorrow I will tell everyone I know about Ben's beautiful life. From parent to parent I want to Thank you for sharing

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  18. Your faith and stories touch my heart..there is not a day that I do not think about your Ben and how your families story has changed so many. How my faith in God has changed in that I do not ask "why" so much anymore, but am thankful EVERY day for what time I am given with my children and for your Ben's story... for your families story. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mother He gave you the most precious gift in Ben and even though He called Ben home He still blesses you and yours with so much. PRAISE Him and know that your story and your Ben made a HUGE difference in so many lives. Ben will never be forgotten, thank you again for sharing your family and Ben.

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  19. I hesitate to read your blog because I cry every time, I can't help it. The depth of your faith and love shines forth into this dark world. The other day I was cleaning out a desk drawer and found my Blue for Ben bracelet. I couldn't bear to throw it out, so into my jewelry box it went. I, too would like to give you a hug. Praise God we have Heaven to look forward to. In His Service,
    Robin

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  20. Mindy, we continue to pray for your family each night, and then today I heard this song and couldn't help but think of you, Andy, Jack and Megan as the lyrics played on - I imagine that your hearts are frail and torn, and I pray that God would mend your invisible wounds...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

    Jill

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  21. That is my favorite bible verse.
    My first baby boy was stillborn at 29 weeks. We found out the day before he was born that he had birth defects. It was a crazy whirlwind. One week I was pregnant, the next, I was burying my son beside my grandmother.
    There are so many things in life that we can let Satan take a hold of, but God can use ALL those things for good.
    In so sorry for your loss. It doesn't make any sense. But one thing I know is that God is eternally good. These things can't happen without him using them.

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  22. Mindy we will always remember Ben and your tremendous loss…especially those of us who have lost our precious child because we know what that loss feels like; we are bonded like no other. I just replaced my blue light bulbs again for Ben! I will continue to replace them in memory of him because he will never be forgotten and you are all constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I think that invisible scar is more painful than the visible ones. Thank you for expressing into words that which is so hard for some of us to explain.

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  23. So powerful, so beautiful...Thank you Mindy

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  24. I have been looking the last few days for a blog post. I hope that through your writing you are able to keep Ben alive in your hearts and heal your invisible wounds. Your writing is amazing and I find myself knowing what is coming. The reality of the pain you are living and not trying to hide that fact through verse but always wrapping it up with such positive thoughts. I pray for you and your family and encourage you to keep sharing with so many who have found strength in your story!!!!

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  25. Mindy , prayers for you. Many times you are on my mind. I will be at work, and you will just pop up in my mind and I pray for you and try not to cry at the same time. Thank you for still blogging. I love to read your blogs, by the time I'm done I cant stop crying. I pray God gives you strength .

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  26. God bless you and your family,always in my prayers <3

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  27. ...And just when I need it most, Mindy gives me another blog. Thank you so much.

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  28. Thank you Mindy for continuing to share what must be the most painful experience a mother can go through. Know that as a mother, your wound is not invisible to other mothers. Our next door neighbors 14 year old son drowned 6 months after she lost her husband. That was 8 years ago and I still pray for her all the time. Her wound is not invisible to me.

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  29. This is so true - Life goes on all around you while the wounds inside are just.so.deep.

    www.in-due-time.com

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  30. I was glad to see you at church this morning from across the room. You looked so beautiful with your growing baby bump. I've been thinking how difficult it must be for you to keep moving forward everyday with a smile on your face when your heart is still broken. I read a book this semester called, "Mudhouse Sabbath" by Lauren F. Winner. Winner was an Orthodox Jew who converted to Christianity, and she reflects on some of the traditions that she grew up with that she thinks Christians would benefit from. One chapter is on grieving, and she explains the year long process that Jews go through mourning. The central tenant is saying a prayer called the "Kaddish". The Kaddish is not about mourning, but about praising God in the midst of our pain and depression and loss. Winner says, "You do not have to feel praise in the intense moments of morning, but the praise is still true, and insisting upon it over and over, twice a day every day, ensures that eventually you will come to remember the truth of those praises."

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  31. Thank you for continuing to write.

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  32. Mindy its so true what you wrote , I pray for you and your family all the time. Please keep writing I really enjoy reading your blog...God Bless x

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  33. amazing how an incident so long ago has helped you with understanding and courage at this time in your life. everything happens at a time for a reason, it is not always for us to know right away what lesson it will bring, but take faith in every lesson you learn. following your story that you chose to share restores my faith that there are strong people out there who know right from wrong and hard from easy. you took a huge leap of faith sharing such an intimate moment in your families life. in doing so you have not only received love and support but let others going thru the same thing that it is alright to share hurt and anger and disappointment as well as happiness, love and joy. from sharing we gain strength.

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  34. I have followed your story almost from the beginning when I learned of Ben's illness and the blue support that our community and people all around the country and world shared. It, even though so sad, a beautiful story . A beautiful little boy's short life has effected so many thousands of people.... what a teacher he became even after his death. Your words encourage so many and help others who share your pain in familiar circumstances and uplift those of us who can't even imagine the pain but try and comprehend what you have to face each day as you wake and try and continue to stay strong for your family. I send you many virtual bouquets from my heart for your honesty and strength. Being the second youngest of eleven kids I still couldn't imagine living without my sibling and I am an adult with adult children of my own...for that reason I continue to pray for your family daily to help cope with the loss of not only a family member but a very very very special little boy..>> God Bless......keep strong , keep your faith and continue to be the teacher you are...

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  35. As time goes on, and life goes on, people will begin to forget or never will have known you before Ben died, and some will say things that hurt you, when they mean well, such as, "He's in a better place." "Well, at least he's not suffering anymore." "Did you try Doctor X, or Therapy X." "Aren't you over his death yet?" "He's been gone X years. You'd think you'd be over it by now." "God must have needed another angel." and so on.
    Please forgive them before they say it, and after they say it. Many people cannot understand how deep the wound of losing a child is, and that it never diminishes in the pain of it. They see you with a beautiful life (they imagine) and think your grief is you dwelling on morbid things.
    Yes, you now belong to a club no parent ever wants to join.
    But there is a group called "The Compassionate Friends" who are organized to provide grief support for parents who have lost a child. Because they know the particular sorrow and agony of this loss through experience, they know the depth and magnitude of this "invisible" wound, and how to talk about it, and how to offer the support you need.
    Here is their web site: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx
    You might want to call them, not only to get any support you need that others, though well intentioned, cannot provide, but also, perhaps in a little bit of time, to offer help to others who have not had so much community support or prayer support as you and Andy have had.
    God bless you Mindy. These are dark days for you, and you should not rush or expect yourself to feel better so soon. Grief knows no timelines. It is what it is. It takes as long as it takes. God is with you, helping you, whether you sense Him or not. Trust in Him. Trust in Him.

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  36. Thank you for allowing us to continue on your journey. I think of you and your family often. I pray for you as you have to go about the world when you prob just want to scream because so much that we stress about seems so pointless. Praying for cont. strength and God to keep revealing himself to you in big and small ways. Your faith amazes me. My sister lost her husband tragically at a young age, and it's in no way the same, but I've seen her struggle through grief the last 14 years, and the word that comes to mind is perseverance. Time doesn't begin to heal everything, but it does change things and get a little easier, praying for perseverance for you and your beautiful family.

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  37. Your gifts of sharing continue to a completely thankful and humbled audience. You continue to bless so many....praying you and your beautiful family continue to find peace in Him.

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  38. I believe we have probably crossed paths before. We attended the same college and have a lot of the same friends. Your story inspires me, and while it may not be "unique", for lack of a better term, you chose to go about it in a very honest and real way. Everything you write reminds me of the mustard seed. "If you can have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to the mulberry tree, be uprooted and planted in the sea, and He Will Obey you" To me, Ben is my mustard seed.

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  39. I look up to you for your unwavering trust in God's plan and love. You are truly remarkable. Thank you for the opportunity you have given me to grow in my faith through your example.

    Every time I read your posts I cry. My heart is heavy for you. I am so sorry for your family's loss.

    May God bless you!

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  40. Mindy,
    I wanted to thank you for your words and trusting in us enough to share your heart as you do. As everyone has said before, you inspire us. I have a five year old little boy who is the love of my life and the reason I smile...your words have made me appreciate the littlest of things with him every single day...my patience has grown, the days are more special...all because you have shared the truth behind the fragility of life...please stay strong and know you are Ben are in so many thoughts everyday. Much love to you and your family.

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  41. Lifting you and your family up in prayer.

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  42. Invisible wounds is quite accurate. I find that I hide it well most days. And some days I see one too many people in the store and the tears come easily. I miss my baby. Cora was 4 and went to be with Jesus May 6th.

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  43. Mindy thank you for continuing your story and your faith and love for our lord I look forward to each entry. It's so true bens life had so much purpose more even then people that lived long lives and never touched anyone. Your family and your precious Ben have changed so many lives, mine included. I'm kinder ( for the people suffering invisible wounds) I'm more thoughtful, I often feel the smallest event in my life is bothersome so I think of you, your loss and your strength then I thank God I found your blog. I love your family, and I grew to love Ben. I am grateful you have shared your lives to change my life. I just want to let you know I think of you throughout the day and pray for Gods grace to give you peace. Thank you for being you and remember you are not alone, we can't take away your grief but just like God does we can walk along the path with you to help to comfort you. Please continue to write it helps us all thank you and may God bless you and comfort you

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  44. Mindy -- let me start by saying that by sharing your journey has made my me feel that I'm normal following mine. We lost our 20 year old son for a rare disorder. Yes we knew his disorder was not a good one for longevity but he was beating all the odds. My husband and I have 2 older boys whom we are very thankful. You know the story "well at least you have the other boys" My favorite reply I have heard someone on another site was well look at your children and tell which one you would be okay never seeing again in this life. Anyway the 1st anniversary of his passing is June 25 and I feel my anxiety rising. Thanks for listening and I love reading about you and your family.

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  45. We continue to pray for all of your family. I am greatly encouraged and challenged by the words your father shared with you- deep truth! Lord knows how each teachable moment we have with our children will impact them later in life. May we all choose to speak life giving words- God's Word- into the hearts and minds of our kids. Sounds like (and is evident) your parents did a great job doing so.

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  46. I just want you to know that every time I read your blog, I want to reply with something....to say something...but then I just sit here completely speechless.... and in awe of you. In awe of your words, of your strength, of your complete honesty. Your words/your heart bring me to have great awe in our Lord. I find myself speechless and wishing I could just reach out and give you a hug, but then knowing, only His arms could hug you with enough power to bring you true comfort.

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  47. Mindy,
    I have been following your blog after seeing it on facebook a few months ago. I find myself coming back every couple days to see if you have written again. My faith has been so challenged and encouraged by Ben's life and by you and your family's response to it. As a new mother, I can't imagine, I literally can't imagine, anything more painful than losing a child. I have shed so many tears over your story. You write with such honesty and conviction. Your blog is unique in that you are continuing the story--many stories I have followed stop after a passing. I have greatly benefited from seeing through your lens what grief looks like, how to respond to it as a Christian, and how to try to put one foot in front of the other. I greatly hope that you continue to write--perhaps even a book one day. You have encouraged so, so many people. My life, in central Virginia, is enriched because of the life that Ben led.

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  48. Been following your blog for a while, but never knew the right words to say. Your story has touched me deeply and I am grateful for your strength and faith. It has definitely helped to strengthen mine. I look forward to the day when we will all be with our Lord in a place with no more pain or death. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  49. Thank you for sharing your heart with others who heard of Ben & have followed the journey along with your family. Sharing how your faith has carried you during this difficult time may be just the words of hope that someone else needed to hear during their time of despair. As God gives you strength & wisdom please continue this work the He has placed upon your heart. Invisible wounds is a good description...but from the sound of these replies Ben has impacted others for life. Be encouraged, Mindy. God bless the Sauer family now & eternally!

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  50. Thank you and your family for giving us hope and comfort. I am so humbled and grateful. My family has experienced a horrible year and I have often needed my Mindy Medicine or Ben Boost to keep me going! You will never know how you have changed my life and I will be forever grateful! Your incredible faith, your love of God, your belief in heaven, all have made such an impact on me and on so many others. Just last night my sweet mom called to tell me that her brother/my sweet uncle was taken to the hospital again. I cried, prayed and rushed to read your words that always seem to comfort me. Thank you. Sadly my Uncle/Tio Sergio is in emergency surgery now, he has had a terrible battle with cancer. He lost his will to live, sadness, frustration and anger consume him. Two deaths of close relatives in the past eight months have made our recovery and healing difficult. It also doesn't help that most of my family members are not true believers, they don't have that beautiful hope that you have. If you ever use your blog in the future in a book I hope they publish it in Spanish too! Almost my entire family is in Chile and they need to read your words of encouragement! They need to see and feel how our Lord has blessed us through your strength and deep faith. Thank you for giving us hope and comfort. Thank you for keeping me sane and balanced. Thank you for helping me more than you'll ever know. Maria from Renovation Church

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  51. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ullv_XN2d8M

    Thoughts and prayers rising from Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania for you and your family.

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    1. (the link is to a song written and sung by Jason Gray... I think of you when I hear and sing it)

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  52. The wounds from the loss of a child run so deep and cut so hard that words can't describe it. I never knew so much pain existed until I had to walk through it. From someone who is sitting on the other side of the journey, I can say that you'll never forget Ben, ever. The amazing part is that the Lord can reach into that wound and bring tremendous healing and restoration. I went from complete hurt, brokenness, sorrow, and grief to the fullness of joy. As time goes on and you're in God's presence every day ( I would cry out the Psalms that start out with "God I hurt. I've fallen into the pit" but end with how big He is and praising Him), you begin to anticipate the future of seeing Ben again. An excitement comes from down deep because you know that you know that God's Kingdom is real and you're going to see him soon because our time on Earth is so short compared to eternity. To Benjamin, it's only a day that he has to wait to see you all. A day with the Lord is like a thousand years here on Earth.

    The Lord has you on a pathway for your healing. Some days it may feel like you take a step forward and then you take two steps back but you're moving forward by the Grace of God. As you spend time in God's presence, he's going to show you amazing things and surprises- don't be afraid of dreams and visions. He'll show you that His Kingdom is more real than Earth. Continue to stay close to Him- He'll never leave you nor forsake you. I'm praying for "rest" for you, continued strength, peace, joy, and healing.

    Love In Christ,

    Lori

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  53. I think of your family and Ben every day. He made me a better mom, wife, and overall person. Life is so precious and I thank Ben for reminding me of that every day! Love to you all!

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  54. I, too, have been so blessed by your testimony of God's abundant grace in the midst of unimaginable heartache. I found your blog just a few days before Ben went to Jesus and in that short time, I loved and prayed for Ben and for your family. Thank you for letting us into your lives and hearts and pain.

    And thank you for this post about invisible wounds. I can relate but with a different kind of wound - the wound of a painful marriage to an emotionally abusive husband. It's something that can't be talked about publicly and by others being aware, receive support and prayer. So, I've very recently started a blog using a pen name: JesusDoesAllThingsWell.wordpress.com
    It is my desire to encourage and pray for others in similar situations.

    May you continue to find that God's grace IS sufficient.

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  55. My faith grows in strength everytime I read what you write. Thank you for sharing your faith and family with us.

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  56. Mindy, I've been following your family's journey and have ached and cried with you from afar but this is the first time I've posted. I'm also a mother of 4 and your words strike to the very core of me. We sang Oceans in church yesterday and I thought of you and Ben and the whole family "Your grace abounds in deepest waters, your sovereign hand will be my guide". There are no deeper waters than the loss of a child but thankfully He IS sovereign and will hold you in his hands when you no longer have the strength yourself. Praying for you all continually

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  57. Holding your entire family close to my heart, i hope you can feel all the love from everywhere around you. Even though you don't see it; it is there as much as GOD is there with your angel(Ben). I was just visiting a page of another family whose situation is about the same, they look to God to help them through there times. Mindy, visit it if you have time, cause Phoebe is in heaven with Ben also. Praying for Phoebe Fair is the page. I often think about her and playing up in heaven happily. Always thought of deeply.

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  58. Your posts make me reflect, cry, pray, and smile all at the same time. You are an amazing person.
    Just yesterday a close family found their son had passed in his sleep - the 3rd son of 4 kids. The family, as you understand, are literally beside themselves. I wonder what words and what actions by others meant the world to you when Ben passed away? This is a family who "sort-of" believes....and I want to be an encourager and comforter, while gently sharing my faith. Any insight?

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  59. I have an invisible wound and am so thankful I found your site. I know the pain you are going through buy you also give me so much inspiration. My daughter passed away at 19 months old and I know I will never be over it. Thank you for putting your pain into words. It has helped many I am sure.

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