Friday, April 25, 2014

God Changes Everything

Yesterday morning, the oncologist came to visit us at home. She wanted to check on Ben and see how he was managing with his back pain, etc.
 
Like us, she was impressed with his ability to talk, think, respond and remember. It appears as though the tumor is not moving out as much as we might have expected, expanding his brain and pushing valuable pieces that control function. What a miracle that the headaches have been almost non-existent! Instead, it appears that the cancer is moving down. Into his spine. She believed that was the larger reason of why Ben's back is causing him so much pain. We can still lessen his dosage of the steroid, but at this point, that appears to be an issue of lesser importance.
 
The cancer is spreading.
 
Whereas we had been hoping that his lack of headaches meant a shrinkage of the tumor, it seems as though that's just not the case.
 
I cried a lot last night. Wept. Sobbed until my eyes were swollen. I still have a headache today because of my display of grief. It's not that this kind of information should have come as a surprise, I suppose. It's one of the only things we really know about cancer, I guess: it is in its very nature to spread.
 
I am grateful that he is still maintaining more brain function than we expected. That alone really is a blessing. For Ben as well as our family. But I am devastated at the thought of the cancer spreading into other areas of his body. I remember my mother-in-law's relatively swift decline as the cancer spread to her organs. And we painstakingly watched them shut-down, one by one.
 
My baby. My sweet, sweet baby.
 
I cried out in anger to God... for like the hundredth time since we started this journey. So frustrated. Angry. And incredibly sad. I used one of Megan's shirts as a tissue and nearly soaked the whole thing. "Please don't make us walk any farther!" I begged. "I don't think I can do this! I am just not strong enough! How can you allow this to happen? If You healed him, think of all the people that would believe!" I sobbed as quietly as I could so I wouldn't wake the rest of the house. It is so difficult watching your almost-five-year-old go through this kind of discomfort. Pain that you can only manage with medication. And when your primary goal is simply to make him comfortable. It's heartbreaking.
 
My thoughts turned to heaven. The hope we have in not only Ben's future, but ours as well. I had started to read Todd Burpo's book, Heaven is for Real a few weeks ago, but abandoned it when my husband requested that we read it together. I wish we could have experienced it at the same time. But even though we are both home every day, our paths rarely cross long enough for us to do something like that together. We basically tag-team through our entire day. Ben requires one of us exclusively, which recently has been all Andy. I do what I can to be there for Jack and Megan. Andy's help is better for Ben now anyway, who is much more capable of lifting Ben from place to place rather than his pregnant wife (who just started experiencing that lovely side-effect of pregnancy called sciatic pain.)
 
Last night, I decided that I should finish reading the book. I really needed a healthy dose of real live hope. It was either that or cry the entire night. And I had already done quite a bit of that.
 
I'm really glad I did. I still cried through the whole book, identifying with the pain behind the father's touching words. But it was a good cry. A healing cry. A cry of hope.
 
This little boy went to heaven and came back, just two months shy of his fourth birthday. He was only gone for three minutes of earthly time, but spent what must have felt like an eternity, seeing and describing things that there would have been no way of him knowing otherwise. Things foretold in the Bible and yet not completely accessible to a child so young. One of the things that encouraged me most was how he talked about Jesus. "He really really loves kids, Dad!" he kept telling him. As if that was the most significant part of his journey that he wanted to convey.
 
It was certainly the most comforting thing for this mommy to have read.
 
Todd, a pastor, talked about how he had taken his six-year-old son (two years after his visit to heaven) to visit a dying man in a nursing home. Unannounced, Colton took the hand of the man as he drifted in and out of consciousness and said, "It's going to be okay. The first person you'll see when you get there is Jesus."
 
I bawled. Like a baby.
 
I found myself saying, "Yes! I want that! I want to see Jesus! I want Ben to be with Jesus!" Just picturing the serenity and the peace of our Heavenly Father's eyes, His throne, His heavenly kingdom calms me as much as sitting at the beach on a beautiful summer evening. And yet I surprised myself, thinking those thoughts just minutes after my words of pleading with God to spare his life.
 
No matter what happens here on earth, heaven is the hope we have in Christ. Our guarantee that life extends beyond this one. And there, no one is sick or old. I am so grateful that my son will be with Jesus. Perhaps sooner than I would like, but he will be with Jesus. Our God who completely adores children. He loved them so much that He was constantly trying to encourage us to be like them! Their uninhabited curiosity, honesty and faith.
 
Colton met his great-grandfather, "Pop," who died when his dad was six years old. His father was surprised to learn that his Pop wasn't sixty-one years old in heaven, the age he was when he passed away. He was in his twenties. His best self. No glasses. No wrinkles. His very best self. And he knew that Colton was his great-grandson. Just amazing.
 
I thought of Ben. I'd imagine that Benjamin will see heaven as the healthy four-year-old little boy that we knew earlier in January. That trim, healthy and vibrant little boy I will always know him as. He will be able to run again. With no back pain. No headaches. Play with the animals. See his loved ones that have gone before him. John the Baptist. Daniel, Moses and Jonah. Perhaps David would let him play with his slingshot. But most amazingly, he will meet Jesus, face-to-face.

Painting called "Prince of Peace" by Akiane Kramarik, age 8. She also visited heaven as a child and then recreated this image of Jesus. Years after Colton's visit to heaven, he verified that this was the closest rendition of Jesus that he had seen on earth. Their stories matched. Heaven truly is for real.
 
I still cannot tell you how much I just want to jump ship right now. Throw the towel in and admit, "Okay, we've had enough. We'd like to get off this rollercoaster now!"
 
But... God.
 
As much as I'd like to see Ben grow into adulthood and share with others the miracle God played in his life, I want him to see heaven. I want him to be with Jesus. I want him to be himself again, but better.
 
Having God living inside of and all around you makes you think differently. God changes everything. Absolutely everything.
 
Quite honestly, I can't say that I won't continue to plead with God to change His mind. To spare Ben's life and continue his life of ministry here on earth for many many more years. I am still human, and a mom who selfishly wants her healthy four-year-old back. But I am so much closer to coming to terms with God's sovereignty than I was before. God is God. He is good. He knows the bigger picture. And He loves us - and Ben - so much more than we can imagine.
 
Having God changes everything. Absolutely everything. Including me.

95 comments:

  1. And as you relinquish, you find peace. His blessing is upon you.

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  2. As a fellow mother of twins, my heart breaks for you. I simply cannot fathom going through what you are. As a fellow Christian, I am inspired by your faith. I will contine to pray for Ben and for your family, especially for you as his mother.

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  3. My heart breaks for you and your family. Your strength is so inspiring to me. Ben and your family are in my thoughts, prayers and heart each and every day. May He help you all through this tragic journey.

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  4. Prayers of strength and eternal hope and optimism. I suggest reading 'Proof of Heaven' as well. After we lost our son and my mother last year, I found tremendous hope when I needed it most.

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  5. Oh Mindy. Oh how my heart is breaking. I have no other words besides I too will continue to plead for a miracle and will be praying for your continued strength and amazing faith. I wish I could give you all a hug! Please know that Ben never leaves my thoughts and prayers. Colton's story is such a blessing of hope, for our children, for us, for Ben. Love and prayers always <3

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  6. as a new mom I can only hope to have the strength you exuberate everyday for your children and family You are an inspiration to all of us moms out there, whether we are new, experienced, adopted, or becoming one. God bless you and your family. You are in our prayers quite often...

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  7. As a parent I hope I never have to experience what you are going through! But if it is God's will, I hope I can be half the parent you are proving to be! We love you and your family! Little Ben will always be in our heart!

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  8. Oh Jesus. Come quickly. Many times I have read your blog and tried to post. I need to let you know your words are changing the world. Through your boy, you both are changing the world. My best friends sister in law Jill, {also aunt to MY 10 year old daughter best friend} was just taken to hospice last night for the exact same brain tumor as your Ben. When I stumbled across your blog {right after Ben's surgery} I had to bring up the name of her cancer and compare it to Bens. I figured there are NO way they both had this rare awful form of cancer and are declining in the same ways at the exact same time. But sure enough :( Jill has twin boys of her own that are now 8. They were born at not quite 2 pounds and a little over 2 pounds and spent months in the NICU. at 18 months of age one of the twins are diagnosed with cancer, Jill gave him part of her kidney when he was 2. Jill's mom passed away from breast cancer when the boys were a year. She was diagnosed exactly 2 years ago, did chemo and surgeries before the cancer was no longer treatable. Needless to say this family has hurt and struggled. Jill's brother is broken. He is a chemist who is now an atheist. I have struggled how to comfort a family who can't understand {or refuses} a God who would allow this pain. Then I read your blog. You are walking this same walk with the same hurt, anger and sadness but are walking in faith that God is bigger than this stupid cancer. I can't tell you how many times I have used your words to minister to this hurting family. As I cry for my friends, I also cry for Ben and all of you who love him. This world isn't fair and the hurt and sadness are heavy at time however I am so glad you can find the joy in the midst of the sorrow. One day you will witness your pain free son dancing with Jesus and there will be people surrounding you in heaven who you helped get there by being a faithful servant even in your darkest hours. Much love and prayers to your family!

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    1. This won't take away your pain, but our family is currently going through loss/tragedy and I recently started reading When God Weeps. It might bring peace during such a difficult time. xoxo

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    2. Oh Shawna, my heart just aches for Jill and her family. So much hurt in such a short amount of time. To have to sustain your strength, your family after so much tragedy... aye. I cannot even imagine. Prayers sent to her family as well. We live in a fallen world with sin, sickness and pain. But as Christians, we have hope that this world is not the end. In heaven, there are no tears, no sadness, no pain. Praise God for that assurance. It's the only reason I'm not able to give up. This is not the end. I've read the end of the book - WE WIN!!!

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    3. Amen Mindy! Your faith is an inspiration! It's so easy to read/type/believe these words when you are not face to face with a tragedy. But you are living this pain and still KNOW this to be true and continue to fulfill your purpose of bringing others to Christ. <3 Through the blood of Jesus, WE DO WIN! Continued Prayers!

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  9. God bless the family. It is unimaginable for a little boy to go through what he is going through. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Would you please give Ben a hug and kiss for me.

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  10. Mindy - I have been following your story as we have a few mutual friends. I am a nanny for two boys under two. Today while feeding the one while the other was sitting on the arm of our chair you once again came to my mind and heart! Praying for you! Praying that God gives you the same strength that He gave Job. You and Andy.

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  11. Thinking of you Mandy, as our little nephew, Kai, passed away last month (at 2.5) from a brain tumor. I know that Ben will have a friend in Kai. Kai loved EVERYONE and loved sharing his toys and food. I know he will do the same with Ben

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  12. Your blogs inspire me to be a better person, mother and Christian. My heart breaks for your family. My husband, my son's father, passed away 4 1/2 years ago from a glioblastoma. He was 37. My son had just turned 5 when his father was taken from our lives. We watched this happend for a year and a half which was horrible. It is very hard for me to imagine exactly what you are going through since this is happening to your child but I have experience with many aspects of it, unfortunately. I didn't miss message in today's blog but the first thing that came to my mind as I read it was how does that doctor know that the cancer is spreading??? How would she know that without doing an MRI? I would imagine the back pain is coming from the weight gain. I'm not a doctor and I don't know what kind of exam she did on precious Ben but I could not help but have those thoughts and it upset me terribly for you and your family. I'm so sorry and I pray every day for this precious boy and his family. You are an amazing mother with an amazing spirit. God bless each and every one of you.

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    1. Oh, Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss. GBS is a horrible cancer. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. You bring up a valid point, one that I thought would distract from my main message if I tried to explain. The oncologist said if his back pain were from the steroids, he should have just one sensitive spot on his back. Instead, Ben has three or four, which leads her to believe that it is growth from the cancer. Plus, the likelihood of the cancer spreading down his spinal chord (which is connected to his brain) is very likely. Also, we can see the incisions of his brain surgery because his hair is missing. The gaps of where his incision was are widening. Thankfully, it appears as though his skull is widening slightly to accommodate the growth of the tumor. These are the oncologist's best guesses. We wouldn't be closed to the idea of an MRI to see for sure, but I am nervous about putting him under anesthesia, much less trying to transport him to the hospital in his condition. Thank you for your prayers!

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    2. Mindy, I'm humbled by your gift of your precious time to respond to my comment and I'm sorry to have asked such a sensitive question but I am clinging on to every ounce of faith and hope for Ben and your family and I couldn't help myself, I guess. I completely understand. My husband got to the point where he could not travel and it was anyone's best guess about what was happening. And a LOT of praying. I do have peace in knowing that he is in heaven with loved ones and friends and Jesus and is pain free but I still have those moments where I get mad and angry that this happened to my son, mainly, but also me. Reading your posts truly helps me though...even 4 1/2 years later...I still need help with it. I will continue to pray for Ben and your family everyday. You have so many people praying and rooting for y'all. Thank you so much for sharing Ben, your story, thoughts and feelings and faith with us. We are all blessed because of it.

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    3. Jennifer and Mindy,
      I was wondering the same thing (how the doctor knew without an MRI). So thank you for asking, and answering. I still have great hope for Ben, even though he and your family is going through this ordeal. I hope the cancer will disappear, and he will live to be an old man, who sees his own grandchildren.
      Always praying for this intention.
      God Bless.

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  13. I pray all the time for Ben asking God to bring him a miracle. I read Heaven is for Real when it came out. I went and saw the movie last week and they did an amazing job with the movie. I believe the story and that Heaven will be our home someday. Many years ago I attended a Bible study class. I was sharing with the group about my prayers for my children. I told them that I pray everyday for God to keep my children safe and to take me first. But I questioned that prayer because is heaven is so wonderful why wouldn't I want my children to go there. Of course the reasoning is because missing them here on earth would be unbearable. ((HUGS)) HEAVEN IS FOR REAL

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  14. As always continued prayers. I read that book a few years ago and still it sticks with me, especially the picture of Jesus. Having a miscarriage as well i always tell those that have to read this book. Love to you all, Penny

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  15. Mindy, like others, I continue to pray for God's grace for Ben and your family. As I am reading this blog, I am reminded of the movie, The Passion. What gets me every time I watch the movie is how Mary, being the mother, understands that Jesus, her child, must die on the cross for our sins. Wow. I never thought about Mary being Jesus' mother and not being able to change the course of action that must happen to save us sinners from certain death. At one point in the movie, Jesus is carrying his cross along the streets and he stumbles. The camera pans to Mary's face. It is a look of a mother wanting to reach out and make everything all right. To help carry the cross. But, then she knows this must be. Heart wrenching. Also it is heart wrenching to think that little Ben has to go through this pain. But, we know that little Ben is being held in God's hands. Just as Jesus was being held in God's hands that fateful day so long ago. God must have a very big job for Ben in heaven. I will not say that I understand your pain, as I do not, but I do understand pain as I lost my mother not long ago in a terrible accident. But I do understand how you can say God is good. Being a Christian and a mother, I know that even in the hardest times, God is with us.

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  16. Call upon your Angels for help and strength, they are with your family every moment. I picture them cradling Ben & your family in their wings where it is peaceful, safe and pain free. God bless.

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  17. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.- Isaiah 43:2-3

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  18. That book is so hopeful, I'm glad that you found comfort in it. I remember the first time I saw the painting you posted, I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. I just kept staring...

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  19. Mindy, Another good book that I read after we lost Matthew was "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. It also makes you realize how real Heaven is and how alive we are all going to be there. Right now we are all waiting for the best part of our lives to begin-eternity! Blessings on you and your beautiful family and thank you for sharing your journey with us. We will never know this side of eternity how many lives you are touching for the Kingdom of God!!

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    1. Thank you, Kathy. Matthew's life was such a gift. <3 He will always be remembered fondly.

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    2. Amen Kathy! We all wish that we could hug you and let you cry Mindy, you are loved.

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  20. MIndy, I read your blog whenever I can. I am amazed at your faith and strength, I couldn't imagine what you are going through. I am so blessed that my children and grandchildren are healthy. I remember Ben and your whole family in my prayers daily. God Bless Ben and your family

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  21. I think your writings have opened the door to so many of us that feel like we know Ben and your family. God allowed you to open your heart and offer us your testimony. Every step you guys go through, we feel it too. Although, the pain isn't the same or even on a level we can understand, you paint the picture. I believe we all want what's best for Ben. And if it's him on earth or in heaven, we just want what's best for him. Our prayers are the same, or tears run with you. So many people are affected by this little boys life and he doesn't even have a clue to the extent of it. Its all God! So much strength and just knowing there are so many people hurting in different ways. This little boys life is being displayed to so many, offering strength, hope and most of all LOVE. We all are joined by LOVE. Gods love : ) The doors are open, the windows are lifted and nothing but love is entering and exiting. You need to write a book. God is using your brain, your words, your artisty to paint the beautiful pictures of life. Do it...this is so much more bigger than you can ever imagine...allow him to continue this journey Mindy. You are being a witness for Gods perfect love...and by the way, you are human...we are suppose to feel. Your son is ill...it's ok to be hurt, its ok to scream, its ok to get angry...just dont stay in it. And I know you won't. God bless you Mama...<3

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  22. Mindy, my heart breaks for your Ben. You have challenged my faith with your faith. I am simply in awe of your awe of the sovereignty of the Lord. I pray so many times a day now, for a miracle for your son, for other nameless suffering children, for my own children and I also praise for the endless blessings in my life. Your journey, however awful, is bearing witness to our Lord and Savior and has changed me as a Christian. I will continue to pray for a miracle for your precious child. And for you that your faith doesn't falter but holds you up when you are falling down. May the peace of the Lord be with you.

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  23. Still and always praying for precious Ben, for you, and for your beautiful family.

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  24. I just saw an article in People magazine (08May issue) about a 20 yr old girl that over came Stage IV glioblastoma after receiving polio virus (PVS-RIPO).

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  25. In hopes that one day we will hear he went for another MRI and there's good in the findings, I pray for that daily but most of all I pray for another day of memories for you and your family <3 I have a friend who I wish would read your blogs about your journey with Ben, just once to give her some inspiration to believe. Long story short she had something happen when younger and when she finally told no one believed her and she got in a lot of trouble and her step father told her that god does bad things when little girls lie and was sent to live with another family member, her mother lost her life in an accident and after hearing of it and being rushed to be with her in her final moments she prayed for her to stay until she got there, didn't happen like that and instead of comforting this girl her step father told her it was her fault that she lost her mother and he told her that's how god punished liars.. So I'm sure you can imagine how she feels about god, basically she think he hates her. She needs inspiration some guidance and like I said only hopes she reads one, two, or all your blogs to get that and want to journey a different belief.. I only hope that one day to either meet you or read that book you will eventually write (maybe 2) because you are one amazing person who has inspired me and others.. I would love to meet Ben but for now I'll just send my love, thoughts, and prayers to your family <3

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  26. Mindy:
    My heart just breaks for you , Andy and the children. Your children are such beautiful children. I love the dimples. I am still praying for a miracle for Ben.God be with all of you.

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  28. Mindy please take care of yourself too. I hope that other family members can help you and your family as you travel this road. I pray for all of you, especially sweet Ben, I think that we have all fallen in love with your beautiful children.

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  29. oh mindy if you only knew how your story has changed so many ppl me included as i lost faith in god in the passing of my sister and then my dad i was raised to believe but somehow fell by the wayside but i began to write to your son ben everyday and through ben and your blogs i began to see although it saddens me so much to see your lil ben all swollen and in pain with his cancer spreading and your strong faith the miracle is that ben was given to you mindy a strong woman whos belief in god helped her give up everyday and love.. god bless you mindy sauer as well as your family... debi

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  30. I find myself drawn to your blog. I am not a Christian, but your unwavering faith is inspirational, even if it's not something I can relate to on a spiritual level. I relate to you on the "mother" level, the great equalizer.
    I keep you and your family and your precious Ben, in my thoughts daily. I want nothing more than to see him recover from this. I don't concern myself with how that happens, but I want to see your post about his first day of kindergarten, his graduation from grade school, etc. As the mother of a child the very same age, I can't even accurately convey how much I want that for Ben.
    I keep you in my thoughts and reflections. Your strength is to be admired. May it continue to carry you, to whatever end.

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  31. Yes! The very first thought I had when I saw this picture was, "this picture of Jesus is very similar to the image in the shroud of turin." Except I think His nose might be a little longer...but no matter, it's our Father!!!! Glory be to God. I can't wait to go home, too.

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  32. Once again, I'm inspired by your faith. Once again, I cry out to our Heavenly Father for a miracle. For strength, for comfort, for deliverance, for peace that passes all understanding.

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  33. All I can say is God Bless You, I am amazed at your strength, although I know you do not see it. You are strong, no one knows how they will react in any situation, Ben is amazing because he has an amazing mother, father and family. I pray for you all. God Bless you.

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  34. I wish you never had to go through this Mindy. But right now, I can only advise you as you are doing now......is to rest in his strength. We lost our grandson when he was only 4 yrs. He too had cancer, towards to end was unable to walk. A week before he died I saw him in a dream. I was standing in front of heaven , there to welcome him home was his mother and Jesus. He ran past me, jumping into his mother's arms. She turned with the biggest smile on her face swinging her son unto her hip. He turned to me and waved, with a huge grin on his face, arms around his mom. She too now cancer free and whole like her son. Our Lord to welcome him home. It was hard. But I got see him and his mom together again. That gave me such comfort.

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  35. Mindy, all that you write is summed up in one word. Surrender. God is lovingly leading you like a child into the heart of surrender. It is a beautiful place, but the costs are high. It is a place of total peace, and He wants you to live there. Millions sing I Surrender All...but do they really? Get a copy and read all of the words written by someone who knew surrender. I love you sister. I am weeping with you, and we shall rejoice.

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  36. Mindy, What you said about your mother-in-law was accurate, but there is more to the story. In spite of knowing that her time on earth would be short, she never lost her faith, joy, and concern for others. This week I opened her electronic Bible app for the first time. The last verses she reviewed were II Timothy 4:6-8. "...and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith; in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved his appearing." It was such a privilege to have known her.

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  37. Hi Mindy, My name is Caitlin. I am a new Mom and have been following Ben’s story since I first heard about him and your family. I read your blog and you are so well spoken, so strong, so faithful, so inspiring. As I said I am a new Mom to a 7 month old son. Since I first heard of little Ben Sauer and read his story my heart has been filled with love, compassion, anger, deep sadness, and often the question why? Why Ben? Why you and your family? Why not mine? We all may never understand why while we reside on this earth, maybe someday in heaven it will all be explained. One thing I do know is that it was not random that this happened to your family. You are an instrument of God. You have turned this situation into a chance to spread the word of God. You are using this most challenging time of your life to change lives, this I know because you have changed mine. I am a faithful person and as I read your words of strength in God, trusting God, I feel my faith grow stronger. I think some people use situations like this to blame God but I don’t see it that way. However sad and twisted it may seem, God does not make mistakes. Last night I read your blog about the oncologist coming to see Ben and my heart broke. Late in the night or early in the morning, however you see it, 415 am, my son woke me up for a feeding. I sat in the rocking chair in his room feeding him and the only light in his room is a blue light that shines from the top of his sound machine. It lights the room up a calming shade of blue and I began to cry. I pictured the face of Jesus you posted in your blog. I pictured him in the room with us and I began to talk to him. I asked him to hold Ben close and to perform a miracle or bring him home to him. To save his life or stop his pain. I prayed for you, Andy, Jack, Megan and new baby Sauer. I prayed to send you a strength big enough to withstand what he has given to you. I prayed for my son and yours. I squeezed my son so tight and thanked God for his life. You have made me cherish my son more than I already do. I will never forget the face of Ben Sauer, a boy I will never meet, a boy with the most beautiful, shiny brown eyes I have ever seen. I will forever remember his face and what he taught me. That life is a gift, life is not promised and to trust in God. I will continue praying for you Mindy and Ben and the whole family. With love, Caitlin.

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  38. Praying for your peace and comfort for Ben. Only our father in heaven knows the plan for your sweet family. Your faith is an inspiration to all!

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  39. My daughter's friend, Lauren Turner, died from leukemia on Oct. 19th. She had a rough day the day before, barely able to be understood when she talked. Her pain was being managed and she was worn out. BUT, while she had visitors, she sat up and clearly said, "I see Jesus!" Her parents told her to run to Him and tell Him how much she loves Him. She died hours later. As I heard this story at the funeral and several times after that, I was originally amazed at the strength her parents had to tell her to run to Jesus. Now, I am more amazed at and in awe of the fact that Jesus came to walk her home. The hope we have in Jesus is unmatched by anything we have here. Your faith is a beautiful testimony to the power and sovereignty of our God.

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  41. I pray for you all. I pray that Ben will go in Peace and rejoice in the arms of the Lord. You are forever in our prayers. Good bless you all.

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  42. I wept as I read your story. There wasn't a thought, a feeling, a fear, or hope that I could not relate to as a mother with a daughter who is now in remission. Praise you Lord. The fear however never leaves you. Sometimes, if your not careful, you forget to live and breath. My prayers, love, and hope are with little Ben, you, and your precious family. God Bless!

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  43. Oh how my heart breaks for your grief. I hate that you guys are going through this, and that your heart is so incredibly broken. I will not stop praying for your beautiful family.

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  44. I continue to be inspired by your faith and courage. Mindy, you have a gift and I hope you will continue to use it. You feel the presence of God, something I struggle with (even through my bout with breast cancer years ago). I believe but I wish I could feel Him within me.

    I am selfishly hoping Ben still has a miracle. I think he would be an instrument of change and yes, I agree, I think more people would believe if the miracle happened. So, I continue to pray for a miracle.

    May His grace continue to be with all of you,
    Rosemarie Becker

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  45. You make me want to be a better mother, wife and follower of Christ. Thank you for your testimony...for your amazing faith. I don't think you know how many people you are helping to draw close to the Lord by sharing. I pray for all of you many times everyday.

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  46. I know you may not see this and I understand that you might think I'm a freak but please, please please, check out these two websites. www.phoenixtearsplus.com and www.cureyourowncancer.org His cancer can be cured but something that God has already created! Please, it has even cured people on their death bed. This isn't a hoax. These websites have documented proof!! PLEASE To save your little boy. if you have any more questions please contact me.

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  47. Mindy; I sent you a private inbox message on facebook. Please go to your facebook page and read.

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  49. Thank you for sharing your heart in all your posts…I continue to pray daily for Ben and for your family…Having lost my daughter, as an infant, I can relate to some of your feelings and this post especially touched me…I have been putting off reading "Heaven is For Real" ...questioning it's authenticity…but now I think I will give it a chance. The picture of Jesus and the story about the girl who painted it in relation to Colton has me in pieces. May you continue to find little breadcrumbs of hope as you walk this path of pain.

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  50. hi, Mindy, I am at a loss for words when it comes to your struggles with Ben, I don't know what to say except please know that I am praying for you guys.
    I think I might be able to give you some help in one area though. I had terrible sciatic pain when I was pregnant and I took a prenatal yoga class where they showed me a ststretch that gave me instant relief. And to this day when I have sciatic pain I do this stretch and it makes it go away.
    What you do is you lay on your back, and put the soles of your feet together with your knees out to the side (place your feet up as high as they will go toward your body) and have your husband gently press your knees to the floor and hold. I'm hoping that will help you a little.

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  51. Mindy, I came across your blog through the Facebook page of a friend who has been involved in some Blue4Ben benefits. Since then I’ve been checking your blog daily and keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers. As an 18 year old, and as someone spending a gap year abroad, I have increasingly been asking and been asked many questions regarding my faith and you have been a blessing and a guide in my journey of strengthening and defining my faith; so thank you thank you thank you. You, your family, and your little boy continue to be in my prayers.

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  52. I have posted before, but feel it is laid on my heart to repeat the healing testimonies I have witnessed. It is totally against my nature to be so bold, so that is how I know this is the Lord's leading. I noticed on a post by Harmony on this page, she mentioned that in India, they use Turmeric to prevent & to kill cancer cells. This is well-documented, even in the Western medical field. I witnessed a healing myself, when an elderly woman was told she had lung cancer. She began taking turmeric capsules daily & 12 years later is still strong & healthy. A lifelong God-centered life & Faith were also a mainstay. I referred a friend's daughter to this treatment, as she was recovering from chemo & radiation treatment for breast cancer. After taking turmeric for 6 months, the doctors were amazed at the disappearance of the tumors. But the one testimony that is what I would call an 11th hour healing is the one God's put on my heart to get across to you. It concerns Barbara St. Onge, who has posted several times on this page. I met her at the Chapel & we have become good Christian friends, encouraging each other with scripture & prayer. When she started going to radiation & chemo for a neck cancer last year, the lump was almost the size of a tennis ball. Even after months of daily radiation, it remained. Then she went to CCS Oncology & had 3 weeks of targeted radiation (no chemo) with the True Beam, which can deliver more pinpoint, intense radiation to only the tumor. To my amazement, when I saw her after this, the lump was completely gone! So just maybe there is something to their advertisement slogan 'New Hope, New Technology for all types & stages'...Barb also took turmeric prior to these treatments, & a strong faith in God's Word & Promises were I'm sure a major aspect of the successful treatment. I think we need to do all we can in the natural world & God will add His Super to our natural. Like the parents of April, who posted above, we should refuse to take the visible signs as absolute, & stand on God's Promises & we will see the 'Evidence of things Unseen' (Heb. 11:1) All this to say: Not discounting Faith & Prayer as miracle-working Power, PLEASE, PLEASE get an opinion from CCS. There could be a difference.

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  53. I, like so many others, pray for Ben and your entire family. Your posts are amazing to me. It is easy to "walk the walk" and be faithful when everything is going okay, but, to have your faith and outlook when things aren't going okay, is definitely a testimony to your relationship to Christ. Thank you for sharing your true feelings too.
    I continue to pray for a miracle and hope you feel His strong arms wrapped around all of you during this difficult time.

    God Bless,

    COLE'S Prayer Team

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  54. The link below is a story of a 2 year old boy who had cancer in every area of his body. His parents has thousands praying for him. He continued to get worse until his parents received a cd set in the mail called "God Wants You Well" by Andrew Wommack. They studied and changed the way they prayed and in a very short time their son started to recover. Today, little Andrew is alive because of this information they received. I pray you will watch their story. Just something to think about...Jesus never left anyone sick, He healed them ALL, everywhere he went. His will has not changed today, He wants all His children well. I sent more information to your message box on Facebook:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIeW0pmHllE

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  55. Divine Mercy, gushing forth from the bosom of the Father, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, greatest attribute of God, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, incomprehensible mystery, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, fountain gushing forth from the mystery of the Most Blessed Trinity, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, unfathomed by any intellect, human or angelic, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, from which wells forth all life and happiness, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, better than the heavens, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, source of miracles and wonders, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, encompassing the whole universe, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, descending to earth in the Person of the Incarnate Word, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, which flowed out from the open wound of the Heart of Jesus, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, enclosed in the Heart of Jesus for us, and especially for sinners, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, unfathomed in the institution of the Sacred Host, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, in the founding of the Holy Church, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, in the Sacrament of Holy Baptism, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, in our justification through Jesus Christ, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, accompanying us through our whole life, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, embracing us especially at the hour of death, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, endowing us with immortal life, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, accompanying us every moment of our life, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, shielding us from the fire of hell, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, in the conversion of hardened sinners, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, astonishment for Angels, incomprehensible to Saints, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, unfathomed in all the mysteries of God, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, lifting us out of every misery, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, source of our happiness and joy, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, in calling us forth from nothingness to existence, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, embracing all the works of His hands, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, crown of all God?s handiwork, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, in which we are all immersed, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, sweet relief for anguished hearts, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, only hope of despairing souls, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, repose of hearts, peace amidst fear, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, delight and ecstasy of holy souls, I trust in You
    Divine Mercy, inspiring hope against all hope, I trust in You

    Prayer:
    Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.
    _____________________________________________________

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  56. Father, in the name of Jesus please spare little Ben. I have faith that you will be there for him. You perform many miracles, please let this be one of them. I love you Lord. Please hear our prayers.

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  57. Dear Mindy,

    You are strong, you are brave, you are indeed a woman of faith. I have learn't that with the things of God especially when he allows us to suffer pain and loss, with time we understand the answers to the question why? You and Ben remain a testimony that would be celebrated for years to come. My ernest desire is for Ben to get well but i know God's will is supreme so all i can say is Let God's will be done. Ben is a saint on a mission for God and you are a mother who is changing the world and inspiring people through your faith in this difficult time. God bless you and strengthen you..

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  58. Dear Mindy
    We are still praying, still with you on this. We haven't forgotten Ben. I pray every day for him and as a family especially pray for him on Sundays. We prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet for him yesterday. Praying for a miracle and healing, for God's will ultimately, for strength, comfort for your family and for Ben. Hang in there.

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  59. Dear Mindy,

    My name is Sudha and I've written to you so many times - only to delete the post and say another prayer for you and your family.
    Please know that your family is in our thoughts and prayers. More people than you can imagine - beyond boundaries and from all walks of life.
    My family in India and our friends back home are also praying for Ben and your family.
    People from so many different faiths, backgrounds, cultures and beliefs - we all believe in one real thing - love; which is synonymous God.
    True to so many comments, I want to tell you - you are an inspiration! You have re-gifted me my Faith in God! For that, I thank you with all my heart.
    Your faith is your pillar of strength. I have always prayed for you (even since I knew of blue4ben.com) and will continue to pray for you and your family.

    Take care,
    Sudha

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  60. Your words have changed my life, and Ben has changed my heart.

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  61. Thank you for opening your heart to us today. It was a blessing I needed today.

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  62. My goodness, my heart just breaks for you. I believe the miracle that God is giving you is far greater than you could ever imagine. It may not be the health of precious little Ben, but instead I believe it is a miracle in the changing of hearts, by the people who are following your story. You and your baby are warriors for our God. Strongholds that the Lord has given us, to remind us of who He is and how He loves and cares for us. I pray above all, that the Lord comforts you and your family through all of this.

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  64. Hello,
    I am a Spiritual Healer myself. I was passing by and came along your Blog. Fortunately, Ben can be healed and his tumor can stop and reverse by The Grace Of DIVINE. Have done healing on many people already. Please do contact me if you like.
    Blessings!

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  65. There are no words.....I wish there was. I lost my loving, faith filled husband to brain cancer 4 years ago. When days are especially hard, I do remember that he is wrapped lovingly in the arms of God, and that brings comfort. God does change everything! May you find peace with God's plan.

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  66. I am praying for a miracle for your little son. I can see this has already brought you closer to the One who can heal if it is His will. I have heard of the medical merits of taking Turmeric, as someone posted above and I also just heard that abundant asparagus therapy can work on cancer. I know it sounds strange and I don't have any details but I wanted to pass that on, just in case it could be helpful. If I were in your shoes I know I would be trying everything. I'm sure there are links on the internet that could give you the info. You are an inspiration and I appreciate how honest and real you are in your faith. May God's angels surround you daily.

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  67. Hi Mindy! I'm so excited to meet you. I live in N.C. but hometown, Buffalo N.Y. My cousin sent me your blogs and site. You are precious! I too have a daughter born 5/5, 22 years ago. Your twins are in good company and were born into a party (Cinco De Mayo) :o) Be prepared for big party attitudes:o) God IS good All the Time! You and me kind of got that earlier than later. Some people never get it. Our stories will give them the chance to find that mystery out sooner and have more Victory in their lives. All your pain, every ounce, smidgen, and crumb will be used for Good and God's Glory! I am living that right now but if you were to ask me during my "storm" 30 years ago, I would have looked at you in awe and couldn't even fathom the goodness that came. It sprouted in the 1st hospital room I lied in when docs said 99% cancerous. It pushed through in the hospital room when docs said stage IV B Hodgkin's. Once again, after 12 months of chemo and radiation, docs telling me pulmonary fibrosis. And that was God's beginning for His glory. 2 miraculous kids later( which of course docs said highly unlikely), and a life of joy and love, God showed up for the party, and I got my double lung transplant with in two weeks of being on donor list. Ben is in the hands of the Divine Physician who, thankfully, does not consult with human doctors and loves to prove "science" wrong. I don't believe we are here by chance at this time and place and that I met you through blogs. Rest in Him, save your energy to rest while God fights Ben and all your families battles. Shear Joy and Peace in the storm after hard won wisdom and Gods faithfulness where ever we are. Acute and Chronic rejection and chronic pain as a life long companion, have brought me the gifts of Gods Love and Light in the Storms and His Miracles Shine Brighter in the rain drops. Healing hugs to you and all your beautiful family. Feel free to call me anytime. 704-737-9213 -Peace- Janel Case

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  68. I don't know what to say. I wish for all of you peace in what ever is meant to be. I am a mom of 3...I am praying for all of you.<3

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  69. sending prayers of healing and comfort to ben, and prayers of strength to you and your family. just put it all in Gods hands an he will take care of ALL of you!

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  70. A friend shared your journey on Facebook. I have read every single one of your posts. They have blessed me more than you know. Your faith is remarkable. Thank you for your complete transparency. Wow! Praying for your family. May God's peace fill every crevice. Praying.

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  71. Bob and I are praying for you and Andy and all of your children. Wishing you peace; may God hold your hands during this time. - Shari Lake

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  72. Your love for your son is infinite and so is our existence. May you find light in all the dark corners of this time in your lives.

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  73. Mindy and family, I still pray for a miracle. They do happen and I know God hurts when any of his children hurt. Don't give up. I'm sure you have tried everything possible with your medical doctors in your area. I was reading this morning about some success stories w GBM. I pray continually for your little guy and just wanted to pass this on to you to read. I'm still praying for a miracle for Ben and all of you.
    http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,32681,0.htm

    http://nih.gov/

    You are all in my thoughts and prayers all day long!!

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  74. Amen ! Amen ! Prayers and hugs are with you all. Our Lord is holding you all tight now.

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  75. How can I post prayer time for Ben for 7 pm every night. I pray off and on all day and night for him but I've heard before about large volumes of people praying for someone all at the same time. Does anyone know how to put this request on Ben's page so that everyone sees it? Can you please do so if you know how. The more people praying the better.

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  76. I have sat silently behind my screen for months now, quietly reading your posts, each & every one of them. You don't know me and I do not know you. But please know that the tears that roll down my face each and every time I read one of your posts are tears of love, tears of grief, tears of disbelief, tears of one of the many people whose heart goes out to you as not only a morally Christian human being, but a mother whose heart aches for her child. I am the mother of five. I will never have the pleasure of meeting you face to face, you courageous human being - wife & mother. Sadly, I got to "meet" you through Ben's story. I just happened to "click" on his story & your diary one day via another facebook friend. Please know that even though I've never met you and most likely never will, that I think of your family every single day. When I say my prayers at night - and I always do, I pray for you all. I pray that your courage, your Faith, your love for your family & your stoic moments as a caregiver for an ailing child, yet stoic on the outside, wilting heart on the inside - will keep you strong throughout this ordeal and when your "angel" on earth becomes your strong & protective Guardian Angel from the other side, please know that I will continue to think of you & your family & Ben. Although such a young spirited boy may not be with us much longer, he will forever be in my heart as he will be thousands of others of his "followers". My love to you all. And thank you for being the strong one - while we all weep silently behind our screens, you have made us all look at ourselves a little differently now - as moral human beings and as parents. Thank you for taking us with you on your Journey. We all stand behind you as silent "friends & family"......

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  77. As a large group follow your story Mindy, I invite everyone to pray for a miracle for Ben and for all of you to have peace in your life. We will pray every morning and every night at 7:00. Anyone is welcome to join in our praying time. Pray anytime you can but if you can spare a little time at 7 am or pm, please do. God Bless you all Sauer Family and please post this to facebook and email to as many people as your can!!

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  78. I came across your blog today & have been praying for your sweet family. It reminded me of another sweet family who had a son about the same age as Ben who fought brain cancer courageously & was healed in heaven. His mom blogged through their fight & I from time to time I feel prompted to pray for the family & I look them up on line for updates. The family was John David & Jessica Crowd & their son was Noah Alexander. John David Crowe is a gifted musician & worship leader & has many songs on his website Johndavidcrowe.com that may really minister to your heart through this very difficult time. Love & prayers.

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  79. I stumbled across this blog on facebook when a friend shared another status of a bakery that had a link to your blog. I don't know you, your family, your friends, or your precious son. In fact, we live clear across the country from you in South Texas. However, please know that you have greatly impacted my life and my family's life today, despite having never met you or anyone close to you. The trials we are currently facing right now in our life are no longer relevant. I have learned now to put my life in perspective and bask in the joy of my children and our health and never again take for granted. Had I not read this, I would have been worrying obsessively over the trivial issues in my life. We have already said many prayers for you and your family and your precious Ben all morning. We are going to continue to do so throughout today and every day from here on out. I can't imagine going through what you are going through as a mother myself to an infant son and an eight year old son. I promise from here on out to always remember you and your story. God bless you all. May He comfort you in your suffering.

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  80. Mindy and family, I have never met you but have been following your journey with Ben through family and friends. Ben's smiling face has stayed with me these last weeks as I followed your blog. I have prayed that his last breath would be a peaceful one- for his sake and all of yours. Last night I dreamed of Ben, he was running across a beautiful field. When I woke....I felt sure that Ben had passed. You have held fast to your belief in a beautiful heaven awaiting Ben, I believe he is there. I, along with so many others, hope that you can all find the strength and courage to face the difficult days ahead. Prayers=Hope. Thank you for sharing Ben's journey with us. We can all remember to hold fast to our Faith, even in the face of such tragedy. (XX)

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  81. Mindy and Andy, I´m from Mexico and my heart is breaking too. I have been following Ben´s journey and I´m deeply affected by this notice. My heart and prayers are with you. God will find the way to give you the strength you all need right now.

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  82. As I continue to pray for Ben, could you get him to breathe in deeply, (every breath in and out says JESUS) he needs the oxygen to fight the cancer. Stop every form of sugar because the cancer cells feed on sugar in any form. We expect a miracle.

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