I am a planner.
When I was learning to write the letters of the alphabet, I knew that I had to get it perfect if I was going to be a teacher someday. I knew where I wanted to go to college when I was a freshman in high school. I got a teaching job right out of college in my first-choice district and alma mater.
This does not mean I've always gotten what I wanted. That things always happened the way I expected. Because they didn't.
First of all, I was supposed to teach second grade. I taught sixth grade social studies and switched classes every forty minutes.
I was supposed to meet the Man of My Dreams in college. He didn't come along until I was twenty-four.
I was supposed to live in the country and marry a plain and stable man. I married a city boy who was voted the class clown in high school and is still, literally, the coolest guy in the room.
I suppose you could say that things have always turned out better than I expected. God has always been faithful. And good. But it didn't always feel that way at the time.
You see, planners don't do well with change. It's unpredictable. Uncomfortable. If it's not on the schedule, us planners cringe. Oh, I can be unpredictable. I just have to plan for it.
Having kids challenged my idea of what felt comfortable, too. But nothing has challenged my idea of comfortable more than the past few weeks.
I am out of control. I have no idea how to plan for tomorrow, in a week or in a month. There's nothing I can do to heal my son. We give medication to make him comfortable, help adjust his body and bathe him daily. We do what we can to bring out a smile. And we pray without ceasing.
There have been times that I've asked God to make a move. Either perform a miracle or take him home. This in-between is just so painful. There's a part of me that wishes I knew how this story would unfold. To see into the future.
But reading the other day's devotional in "Jesus Calling," I was once again reminded that knowing the future is not a blessing.
"I am calling you to a life of thankfulness. I want all your moments
to be punctuated with thanksgiving. The basis for your gratitude is My
sovereignty. I am the Creator and Controller of the universe. Heaven and earth
are filled with My glorious Presence.
When you criticize or complain, you are acting as if you think you could
run the world better than I do. From your limited human perspective,
it may look as if I'm mismanaging things. But you don't know what I know or
see what I see. If I pulled back the curtain to allow you to view heavenly realms,
you would understand much more. However, I have designed you to live by faith,
not by sight. I lovingly shield you from knowing the future or seeing into the spirit
world. Acknowledge My sovereignty by giving thanks in all circumstances."
Such a humbling reminder. Once again, God is God and I am not. There is no way I could completely understand how or why God allows certain things to happen. When He decides to give a miracle and when He does not. There is no possible way I could understand His mind because my view is very limited. And my desires revolve around what would benefit me. God sees it all. God is managing it all. And God has got it all under control.
"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
Sounds easy. But to a planner - someone who takes pride in doing things for themselves and getting results - it is quite possibly the most difficult thing I've ever done.
Trust. Rest. Be strong. And wait on God to see Him do what's best.
Lord, I trust You. Help me rest in good and perfect will. And please, dear God, don't let my baby boy go from Your sight.