Sunday, February 23, 2014

Safely In the Palm of His Hands

A somewhat random thought before sharing my heart:
 
The boys have been talking a lot about heaven. Much more than normal. I'm not entirely sure why - it hasn't come from us - but our bedtime conversations have been full of it. Some of their thoughts are truly mind-boggling.
 
That God is big enough to hold the Earth in His hand... and yet small enough to live in our hearts.
 
That God is able to be with each of us - no matter where we are - all at the same time.
 
That God and Jesus are actually the same person. But that Jesus was God's son. And He never did anything wrong.
 
That God isn't afraid of any bad guys. But they still won't be allowed in heaven.
 
And Jack said, "Ben, did you know that we're going to be able to FLY in heaven?!?" Ben dismissed it as if it were no big deal. "I already knew that, Jack," he answered as-a-matter-of-factly. I'm not exactly sure that one is true. But I won't be the one to correct them. That thought is super exciting for two four-year-olds.
 
- - - - - -
 
I can't even explain the peace I feel today. It doesn't make any sense. Except if you knew a fraction of the people that are praying for us. All around the world. All around the clock. Then, it makes perfect sense.
 
A week ago, I felt so angry. Violated. Abandoned. Tricked. I had invested everything into my faith, my God, and this was How he was rewarding me? The chances of my four-year-old getting a tumor that is usually harbored by men in their fifties? About 0.00002%. Wow. It's like I won the lottery (sarcastically speaking.) All of this for living a life that I thought God would be proud of.
 
I can't believe the transformation God has done in my heart.
 
Andy told me last night, that yesterday was the first day in a few weeks that he didn't cry. It was the same for me. Our circumstances didn't change. If anything, we've gotten a much better picture of what the doctors tell us the next few weeks and months may look like for us. And trust me, it's frightening. The thought of losing our son - who is such an integral part of our little family - is just horrible. But the only thing that has changed is our perspective.
 
We are not alone.
 
God never left us. We get scared when we take our eyes off of Him. Our God has never been able to obey medical statistics. He refuses to be confined. He is constantly defying the odds. I get lost in the medical jargon, talk of how much time we have left, hearing about doctors trying to preserve as much of Ben's quality of life and how long the journey is. But when I keep my eyes forward, focusing on God and His bountiful grace... I have peace.
 
This is so much bigger than us. God is using our story to heal wounds that have been open for months, years. People are beginning to feel Hope. And as much as it surprises me to say, I feel humbled that God chose us to be used in such a big way. We're just a little family in Clarence. Stay at a home mom. With a great husband. Who loves being home with our kids. The fact that God chose us to be used for so much purpose... is just overwhelming.
 
I have absolutely no idea what will happen. As I said, circumstances have not changed. But my heart has. Because I know that I am not the one in control. God is. He's calling the shots. And I just have to rest, knowing He's got everything under control. He's got Ben resting in the palm of His capable hands. And I couldn't feel more comfortable with that.
 
Tomorrow morning, we head to Roswell for our first simulation of treatment. Ben will go under anesthesia to test out the mediport and make sure we know what to expect. On Tuesday, it will be the same thing except he will receive the fifteen minutes of radiation while he's under. We will administer the chemo (in crushed pill-form) at home the same day.
 
I told Ben he wouldn't be able to eat until lunchtime tomorrow. And for a kid that's been eating twice as much as I do during a full day, just for breakfast... I knew that would be difficult. We don't go in until 8:45am and he probably won't come out of anesthesia until maybe 11am? Poor kid. I was dreading telling him. He can't eat after midnight before every day of treatment. But do you know what he said? "That's okay, Mom. I don't usually like to eat until daytime anyway."
 
Oh, this boy.
 
He was chosen to walk this journey. And God will continue to hold him in the palm of His hands, just as He always has.

24 comments:

  1. I love you. And am SO so proud of the way God is transforming your heart--and using it to reach so many. Just as He always has <3

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  2. I don't know you but have been following your journey. You are in our prayers as well as our church family's prayers along with the many many others!! You are an amazing woman of God and it is so awesome to see your transparent faith...the honesty of ups and downs. What an amazing example of what God can do! My heart aches for you and your family and the trials you are going through. Praying for a miracle and for sweet adorable Ben to defy all of the odds!! Thank you for your posts and again for your wonderful example of a godly woman.

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  3. You don't really know me, at least not in the traditional sense of acquaintances or even friends. We were at Houghton together at the same time, and share a lot of the same friends locally. But there are a few things I need you to know.

    I am so thankful for your willingness to open your heart, as difficult as it may be, and to share your journey with us. Please know that you have an army Andy and Mindy - an army of brothers and sisters in Christ; likeminded mommies and daddies who are praying for your son as if he was our own. We are with you. All day long, Benjamin is on our lips, and we are lifting him up to our Creator, anticipating a miracle in the name of Jesus Christ.

    I also need you to know how utterly amazed I am at your ability to maintain an eternal perspective amidst this nightmare. You are living by faith. Your hope is in the Lord alone. It is truly a beautiful thing to behold. And something we can all learn from.

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    1. Beautiful Words, Monica!! They Echo My Thoughts As Well. Mindy, We Are With You, Behind You, And Forging Forward With you In Prayer!!

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  4. I'm glad to hear you are feeling some peace today. Ben and your family is always on my mind and I've been praying more than ever. God and I had our differences last year, so until Ben we hadn't been on speaking terms, as one could say. But I ask him every night to look over Ben and your family. This week I'll be praying that chemo goes smoothly for him. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

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    1. <3 <3 <3 Thanks, Jules.

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  5. Mindy - I have been telling basically everyone I come into contact with about Ben, your family, and you. One thing that I keep hearing coming from my lips is, "Mindy hasn't gone ahead and said these exact words, but it's almost like she is honored that God CHOSE her and her family to endure this and to be a vessel to glorify His name." And here you are now saying basically that. I am blown away in so many ways that I can't really form into words - but to me, that's just one more example of God revealing Himself through this. Just by being you (and just by Ben being Ben) my family and I are forever changed. It's just incredible that God has used a special little FOUR year old boy to touch countless people - more than most do in their entire lifetime. Thank you for being you. Thank you for allowing God to work through your suffering. We are praying without ceasing and believing in a miracle.

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  6. Mindy....I have been following your journey through Mary Coffed....a good friend and fellow Darien resident......I have been not sleeping well the last couple weeks.....I think it so, when I wake, I can pray for Ben. Last night I slept through to 6:00 this morning. I was disappointed, because I missed my prayer time! But I started the day with praise and prayer, and Ben, and all your family, doctors, nurses, technicians, etc. were covered. My heart goes out to you, and with prayer I also cover you and Ben with my tears. sending much love.....don't let go of the LORD's hand! Kathy

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  7. You are without a doubt living a life God is proud of. Prayers for your family beautiful mother. Prayers for Ben.

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  8. Thinking of you today Sauer family and praying...you are teaching all of us, Mindy, what it means to have faith and be strong. Cherish every minute. Live in the moment. Love and learn and teach. So inspiring. I hope Ben has a great lunch!

    I wanted to share a link with you. I'm not involved in this organization, but I think it's special and that you might be interested.

    http://www.tinysparrowfoundation.org

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  9. I am Becky (Sauer's) aunt. Just know that here in South Jersey there are at least 4 Bommer-related families praying for you all. What an inspiration you are to me!

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  10. Praying for your family!!! Your trust in God in such difficult circumstances is such a testimony of your love for God as well as your family!

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  11. Mindy you're an inspiration, truly....I want to be just like you when I grow up. Love and light Mindy <3

    Julie Hook

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  12. Praying Psalm 91 over and over for Ben' s healing.

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  13. I saw your link on Facebook and I'm grateful that I opened it. Your story is very touching and the strength that your son has is something special. I will pray for you and your family. Stay positive and strong!

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  14. Mindy, thank you for pulling back the curtain and sharing what's so deeply on your heart. Karen and I are praying for you daily. Andy sounds like an amazing man, and we so appreciate your transparent, honest, faith. As for Ben and Jack and their talks of heaven… wow, simply WOW. I have twin sisters, and the link between twins is fascinating, to say the least. Can't imagine all that is in their young but obviously precocious hearts and minds. We are praying, praying, praying. Much love to you all.

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  15. We are praying for Ben and all of you. May you all keep your eyes on Jesus and may he be your source of strength. I love Laura Story's song blessings it has helped me many times. Love from the Fisher's

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  16. You inspire us all Mindy. Thank you for writing your heart. We pray for Ben several times everyday. The boys talk about him as if they have known him forever. And as for heaven... Eli and Sam can't wait for God to snuggle everyone all at the same time... Mom needs help with this :)

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  17. Our God's strength...is beautiful in, through and around you and your family! You are a living example of what Paul spoke about in 2 Corinthians 12:9, when he said

    "I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

    You walk this day, with the POWER of Christ resting on you! ...it's a sight to behold...and I SOOOO need to see it! THANK YOU!

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  18. Mindy, I don't know you or your family, but I heard about Ben's story from a friend and can't stop thinking about him and your family. I have a four and 1/2 year old daughter that is just a couple of months younger than Ben and I just can't imagine what you are going through. I am so in awe of your strength. Your sweet boy Ben is in our thoughts and prayers every day.

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  19. Praying for a miracle....lifting u and the family up before our father....My heart aches for u and i am here for u n ur family..

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  20. Mom of four including a 6 year old Ben, a sister in the faith, from Erie, just down the highway. Astounded at your story, crying for you, praying for you. So, so thankful that you have truth. So thankful that God is sovereign over this, over Ben. He is using your family in a mighty way, and our time here is short. So many prayers. I can't wait to meet your Ben someday, when we all sing - and maybe even fly - together.

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  21. I am originally from NY and now live in NC. I want to say that my prayers are with Ben. Ruth is married to my nephew and I heard about through my family. Faith is a powerful thing and may God be with you.

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