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Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Anchor Holds

Especially over these past few months, I am just so grateful that I am not an overly emotional person. You know the kind: the ones that tear up at a commercial, get overly excited and then overly sad just a few minutes later? Ugh. So glad that's not me. Could you even imagine?
 
Ha. That paragraph? Yeah. That's all a lie.
 
I am soooo very emotional. And the fact that I'm 23 weeks pregnant doesn't really help. If anything, it only justifies it.
 
Being emotional doesn't mean that I'm crying a lot. I'm surprised that that's not the case. But I do feel my emotions running the gambit all through the day.
 
Every morning, I wake up and realize that Ben is still in heaven. He won't be downstairs already on his favorite couch watching an episode of Curious George. And my heart sinks. But I get out of bed anyway. And I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and grab some clothes for the kids. Megan is the first to greet me coming down the stairs in her footy pajamas and ringlet curls. "Hi, Mom! You're back!" Andy has let me sleep in ever since we found out I was pregnant - a true gift - and so coming downstairs after they have been awake for an hour already really makes for quite an entrance. And that welcome makes my heart feel full. Until I remember, once again, that Ben is not in my family room. And I feel sad again.
 
Emotional. Rollercoaster.
 
I fumble for some socks for Jack and find a pair of blue ones. They're Ben's. Jack doesn't have a problem putting them on, but knowing the cute little boy whose feet occupied them makes me miss him. As we get ready to leave the house, it feels awkward with only two kids in tow. Ben helped with these transitions a great deal. He was always the first to listen, the first to help herd the pack into the van. It feels like we are even slower these days without him.
 
I don't particularly feel like leaving the house. I don't particularly feel like going on play dates, visiting all of our old stomping grounds. It makes me sad to not have Ben with us. But I do. Because Jack asks for a playmate every single day. He's always had an active and willing playmate. Since birth. One that never hesitated doing whatever he wanted to do. Jack led, Ben followed. Megan is a great stand-in and can do a whole lot more than your average two-year-old. But she's not five (even if she'll tell you otherwise) and my firstborn desires that comradery. And so we venture out. Almost every day.
 
Jack is a talker. A doer. And he makes friends easily. He's so gentle, playing with another boy for twenty minutes before even having an inkling of his name. I suppose there are aspects of him that we are still learning. I'm not sure if I'm just noticing who he is more now that Ben's gone or the fact that he is still changing, still deciding who he wants to be.
 
I believe that Ben has rubbed off on his brother a great deal, even throughout his transition, months before he passed away. He's become more sensitive. More patient. More self-sacrificial. His current favorite activities are picking me a plethora of dandelions and getting us all cold drinks of water. He brings them in and Andy and I fuss over what a thoughtful gesture that was. He smiles his toothy grin and his dimples sparkle. "Well, I just thought you'd really like that." Ben always covered that role. Now that he's not with us, Jack seems to have taken over qualities that had traditionally belonged to his brother.
 
That touches me deeply. And yet makes me miss Ben even more.
 
Do you see what I mean?
 
There's a part of me that would rather just stay home. Grieve the loss of our son. Go through his old stuff, organize his old paintings, and visualize him running in the backyard. Read books about grief in the sunshine, think about how much more comfortable my son is now, and take small naps. Except I've got two kids (and another in-utero) who don't really make that schedule very possible. I have to get up. I have to get out of the house. Because life goes on.
 
But even that makes me feel guilty. I should be showing more sadness. Shouldn't I? I shouldn't allow myself to smile, to laugh, to move on? I feel guilty for leaving Ben out of my prayers at night when I pray with my kids. I've always asked God to bless each of our family members, mentioning them by name. It feels wrong to leave Ben out. But it doesn't feel right to put him in. He doesn't need our prayers. God has already blessed him more than we could even dream. I justify it by thanking God each night for caring for Ben in heaven. That seems to feel better. But it still doesn't feel completely right.
 
That's my son. Even though he's currently in heaven, he'll always be my son.
 
Andy feels it too. Today was his first full day back at work in months. The past few days, he only started a few hours at a time. But this is his busy season. And there is much to be done. In many ways, it feels good for him to be back. But there are parts of him that doesn't want to be there either. It's comforting to be with other people again. To be productive. As much as we want to move on, to celebrate Ben's life and legacy in our daily lives, it just doesn't feel right.
 
Perhaps other parents who have lost their children feel similar. I know - without a doubt - where Ben is. It's difficult to be sad when you know the kind of life he is currently enjoying, especially when you remember his condition before God called him home. And that confidence truly makes all the difference. But then there's his physical absence. And I feel the pain from that all the time.
 
As much as my emotions vacillate through the day, I refuse to allow them to control me. Influence, but not control. A song has been coming to mind for weeks now. It's by Ray Boltz, a Christian singer with a talent for story-telling through song. I've always loved his music, first discovering him when I was a high schooler. "The Anchor Holds." I listened to it again tonight and I felt comforted by the truths he sang about. I'd encourage you to listen, too.
 
It was the second verse that really resonated with me tonight. Nine days after Ben's homegoing.
 
"I've had visions
I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand
 
Chorus:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm."
 
It strengthened me, to be reminded of Whom I've chosen to put my trust. Where I've chosen to anchor my sail. It's a strong anchor, one that had first been set as a five-year-old in Sunday school. Through the years, I've been tossed and my sails have been torn. Most violently over the past few months. But through it all, the anchor has held... in spite of the storm.
 
I don't know how people get through these big life transitions without being connected to the only Life Source that can sustain. That can comfort you during the dark times and remind you of the higher purpose. I honestly don't know how they do it. I, personally, would have crumbled months ago if I hadn't been connected to a Strong Anchor. To be able to talk with, receive comfort from, and give me purpose for the future. Life without my son? Oh, God, please take me too. I can't see any other purpose for wanting to go on.
 
But... God.
 
Emotions will continue to vacillate. Emotions will continue to soar. But I choose to be reminded of my Anchor.
 
Because He has always proved Himself to be capable. To be trusted. And more than able.
 
So I will continue to sail. Knowing that my Anchor holds.

97 comments:

  1. thank you for sharing...... we are praying with you.....

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  2. Mindy, I read ur blogs and I just want to like come sit with u. Reach out in some way. I want to make u laugh and tell you all it will get easier. . I want to take ur sadness away.. From one mom to another. I admire ur strength.

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  3. You Mindy... Are a true inspiration... You had me at hello

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  4. You share so much of your heart and soul...you are truly an anchor to many of us Moms...your faith, courage, strength and perseverance are an inspiration. My thoughts and prayers continue for you and your family....thank you for reminding us again how precious this gift of life and family really are.

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  5. Mindy, thank you for sharing your faithfulness through your blog. Anyone who shares a place on this planet has to deal with life's heartaches and hardships. You show us that even the most unimaginable ones can be used for God's glory. I know Ben is with The King and safe and happy, but I'm truly sorry for the loss and grief you have to endure. Hang in there, even on the hard days.

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  6. Your faith is amazing! Thank you for sharing your story of Ben and your family. How do people make it if they don't have the assurance of a reunion in their lives. Thank you again and I will be praying for you!

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  7. Mindy, I don't comment often but I must tonight. I am sure you've read it but He's there, your anchor. Hebrews 6:19. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
    You're family is always in my prayers.

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  8. I am sorry for your loss.. I believe it is gona take time but it may never feel normal because you lost a part of your life. So take time to grieve and thank you for sharing this with all of us.. Ben is very lucky to have you for his mom and I will continue to pray for all of you. God bless

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  10. You go against the grain of what society teaches us. In the world but not of it. Society says go with your emotions and listen to your heart. And when there's a time and place for those things, we have a choice in every decision we make no matter how we feel. It's so hard, so challenging but so worth it! Choosing joy despite circumstances. Makes me think of Peter and Paul singing praises to God when they were in prison. I visited the hole they were kept in. Joy despite circumstances took on a whole new meaning! The joy will come. God promises it will. This is your jail. Keep singing get your praises! He continues to use you!!

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  11. You are a very strong person to continue going on, your other children need you . Ben is no longer in pain and is in a better place now.You have a little one growing inside of you that will need you to take care of her. Your children will continue to grow and make things easier for you every day. Bless Jack for trying to make things easier for you but still knowing you miss Ben. I continue to pray for you and your family, and my blue light will stay lite.

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  12. You've already conquered more than most with your unwavering faith in the lord. Your anchor will forever hold. Praying for you and your family. ♡

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  13. You are such a blessing and encouragement!! Your faith in The Lord is motivating! I am so sorry for your loss! I remember this last year when I was looking at death, The Lord remind me that there is not the finality in death that we fear so much! he gave me the beautiful picture, I am going to wake up...it's just the place that's different...do I wake up and see my husband, or do I wake up and see my savior :-) Ben woke up and saw His maker! We are praying for you, though we don't know you! We love the same Savior and we hurt for you! May he heal your hurting heart and wrap his arms of love around you!

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  14. Whenever I read your words the Natalie Grant song, "Held", is the one that comes into my head. It echoes what you've said about God never promising to keep us from pain and sadness, but always being there to hold us through it all. Same concept, different wording, but all the same loving God. You're all in my prayers. Your journey has been inspiring in the midst of the sadness, and I hope I am forever changed as a mother by remembering how gracefully you've handled the ultimate in parenting challenges...because God knows I need every reminder I can get to look to Him when the going gets tough in my family. God bless you for sharing this story.

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  15. Amen. Praying for you all. One day at a time.

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  16. A man at our church, whose wife has been stricken with Alzheimer's at a young age, sang that. Sundays ago. I have always loved that song. So thankful for the anchor that only God can provide. Your testimony is powerful! Continued prayers for all of you!

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  17. Thanks for sharing . I too have an angel in heaven. And now he has a new angel to play with. Many blessings to you and your family.

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  18. I admire your strength and your faith, you and your family are in my prayers....

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  19. You are truly an inspiration. Thinking of Ben and your family today and everyday.

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  20. Mindy, you and your family have become a staple in my life! You're spirituality and your need to express your raw emotions are unlike any other I have ever seen! You are truly one of the strongest, most spiritual women I have ever come in contact with! I pray that you may always find peace and tranquility in the fact that sweet, precious Ben is in the glory of our lord! Thank you a million times over for sharing your story and for sharing Ben with people all over the world! You and your family will ALWAYS be a part of my life from mIles and miles away! Continued thoughts and prayers go out to your family from mine in NC!

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  21. Mindy I don't know how you do it. Each day I check your blog, hoping to see an update on how you all are doing, and am consistently amazed at your grace and your certainty in God.. I think of Ben every day, and am reminded about what really matters in my own life. I lost my father and grandfather this last year, and have sought answers from God ever since. I imagine the loss of a parent, though difficult, can't compare to the loss of a child. As a mother of 3 (7, 4, and 2), I honestly don't know if i'd have the strength to go on if one of them went on to Heaven.. I suppose we have no choice but to find our strength in those times. The reason for my post is that through your story, I've had a burning desire to grow my relationship with God..I prayed the other night for him to show me he was there, and a few minutes later my 4 yr old son woke up out of a sound sleep just to hug me for 5 minutes, then return to bed. (at 11:30pm) I hope that was a sign! Im also feeling guilty, not wanting your loss to be the reason I find my own salvation.. I tell God every time I think of you all how unfair it seems, that the loss of your precious Ben should be the reason someone like me find Him..although I know you would want as many as possible to find their way, and to have some good come from this. Glad you are still posting - I am still listening, and continue to look to you for guidance as I try to find my way to God... I prayed to my (earthly) Dad when Ben passed and asked him to say hello. (he was a fireman!) God Bless-Kim

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    1. God promises that He will make good come from all things. .. so even the darkest moments of Mindy ' s life as Ben battled cáncer, God still showed his light through Mindy. Her faith in God has taught us all more about how different life can be when we walk in faith, not fear. Do not feel guilty that it took you learning about Ben' s story to seek God more desperately. He loves us all so much... and He didn't make Ben sick. Sin makes our world imperfect. ..But God took him home to make him whole again... and that is His desire for all of us. .. to love him as much as He loves us so He can sustain us through our darkest hour and so He can call us each to his side and make us whole. No need for guilt...Just revere the powerful way God has used Mindy and Ben to show us all His awesome power. To speak to the Depths of your heart. God longs for us all to come to Him and lay down our burdens because He cares for every one of us. :) Keep seeking Him and trust even when you don't understand. And keep praying for Mindy and her family because the journey requires great faith and support. There is also an enemy that tries to tell us lies like "If God lived you He wouldnt allow this to happen to you. " Those are lies that slip into our heads while we sleep or while we hear from others their opinions of the trials we face. Certainly Mindy mentioned before how she would also struggle with how this could happen. ... but a previous post also says she felt that Ben perhaps was saved from some greater harm. We don't know. We just have to trust. And we take the mistrust and anger and sadness and fear to the one who loves us amd watch what God does. He blesses our faithfulness....Just as she ley Been go God still had life within Mindy. That is such a powerful gift to a mom who obviously puts her children's needs above her own. :) I how this didn't seem preachy...I don't know you or Mindy but I share just because your message jumped out at me. I will be in prayer for you. Erics

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  22. Hello Mindy,

    I am Jennifer Roeters McNeil's mom. Yes, what would we do without Jesus! I think and pray for all the Sauers often. Just like Aminah's post above, I wish there was a way to lend comfort to you, to sit with you and let you weep. You have made us all feel as though we are part of your precious family.

    Like you, music speaks powerfully in my life. I don't know if you will ever read this but there is a new song by Michael W. Smith called SOVEREIGN OVER ALL. It was on repeat tonight because I love it's powerful lyrics and beautiful melody. The whole while, you were in my thoughts and my heart really. I hope when you are able you take a listen:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x8TZiwPGa0&feature=kp

    You are beautiful dear Mindy and I pray that God is near to your broken heart and that He will bind up your wounds.

    In Jesus' perfect love,

    Kathy Roeters

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  23. What a beautiful thoughs. So healing and true.

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  24. Mindy you are in my prayers! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to loose a child and go on. Our children are our everything. Tonight read was difficult to read. We are all grieving through you. As I have never personally met Ben or your family, through your blogs myself and other readers as well have formed a special bond. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  25. You truly are amazing and extremely inspirational. You have brought comfort and strengthened my faith were I have had doubts. I am riding 34 miles in the Ride for Roswell, this will be my fifth year. I ride in honor and memory of my family members who I have lost through cancer. So today I was asked what I wanted on our team T-shirt, with your permission I would be honored to add Ben's name to the back of my shirt. I have struggled with what names to put on there because I really feel like I am riding for EVERYONE, cancer has no limits. I will be adding a blue ribbon to my bike as well. Thank you for sharing, your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

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  26. God bless you Mindy. My admiration for your strength grows with each passing entry. I tear up. I get the lump. I often wait until my girls are asleep as I know my emotions will get the best of me. Thank you for having the courage to share your path with everyone. My Lola (3 weeks from 3) asks about Ben a lot. She calls him little boy blue. She "is worried about his boo boo on his head". I continue to reassure her that he is all better now and has gone home to heaven. This seemingly is explanation enough, though she would still like to give him one of her Lalaloopsies. Your faith has me gaining a new perspective on what matters. And although the lump and the tears for the loss of your son won't leave me just yet, I want to say thank you. The bigger picture will never be fine tuned enough for us to understand in the moment why the our current situation is what it is. But thank you for reminding me that these precious moments that try to sneak by are the things in life that truly matter. I hope one day you can mend your sail and I am sure so long as your anchor stays firmly planted where it is, the sweet moments of this life will send you soating again. God bless Sauer family:)

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  27. But. God.
    ONLY. God.
    Thanks again for allowing us into your heart, your lives, your thoughts. And in doing so, showing us more of God. This song is also one of our favourites. We also know - The ANCHOR holds!! Oh yes, it does. Blessings on you sweet ones. Praying for you all. Love from Manitoba. - Joy Klassen

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  28. Mindy, thank you so much for sharing this. I am so thankful that you continue to write because every post you have written has taught me so much. I continue to pray for your family and I thank God for Ben. God bless you.

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  29. I have asked God every night to let Ben know he has wonderful, heartfelt, caring parents and siblings that will be reminded every single day of his presence in some way, shape, color, form or word or song. I no not the emotional train ride that your all riding on, and it probably will continue to seem like on endless tracks. Because their is an empty car on it. But God will make sure the ride goes on, it may not be quiet as smooth as subway ride, maybe days like and old coal ran train. I pray for you that the uncertainty of everyday, brings you back to the train station where you will see Ben and your entire family some day in Heaven, Gods Heaven.
    Mindy, I once wrote to you and said not at this time, but maybe in the future you can check out a page for " Praying for Phoebe Fair" who is now playing with Ben in Heaven. Maybe it will help a bit, maybe not. I will continue to pray for the entire world to see life, like you have shown it to be. That God loves us all. And we should be thankful for his Grace to each one us, are time is his time.

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  30. Mindy, I had the pleasure of serving you, Andy and a few family members when you dined out about a week ago. I didn't want to say anything then for a few reasons... to be professional but to also not invade your personal outing with your family.. although I'm pretty sure my Blue 4 Ben bracelet didn't go unnoticed. I just want to say that I'm truely so sorry for your loss. I have read your blog since the beginning; my 3 year old and I have talked about Ben and Jack and even Megan. His school had a pep rally for Ben in March. Most recently we talked about Ben's passing and I felt the need to be honest with him but couldn't find the right words. We also have a very close family member with stage 4 cancer and I was extremely worried about how to explain that transition once it happens until I learned from you what to say and how to say it. I'm a wife, a mother of two, and you've taught even me how to be more comfortable with death and life going on afterward for those of us still here. I'm in a better place about my grandma's diagnosis because of the things that you say and how you're so confident about the wonderful life Ben is living now. Your strength is really inspiring and I hope you keep writing because we will all keep reading. Lots of love to you all as you go through this transition.

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  32. ou hear about people passing all the time and its always sad. When a child passes people care deeper. And now being a mother of twin boys myself this touches me even deeper and I can't stop crying, for you, your family, for Jack and for my family.. my sister and two only nieces who were ten and seven, passed away in a car accident a few years ago. You are right....about how you feel without having god/an anchor... It eats you up inside and not a single day goes by that I don't think about them and cry. Hoping to have your strength one day.

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  33. We are always praying for you Mindy! Hold on to that anchor....and when it feels to heavy....don't worry, because our Lord will be there to hold you close, comfort you and strengthen you.

    You are an AMAZING loving, strong mother, wife, and person!! Allow yourself to feel all these emotions...it will help to comfort you and strengthen you to keep going on.

    Seeing the beautiful photos you shared on your blog, as well as all the ones from Ben's celebration of his life, shows that you gave him such a full life. It was filled with adventure, laughter, love, and family. You allowed him to touch, smell, & feel this beautiful world God has given to us. And the most important thing you gave to him was your time.

    Please know you, Andy and family are in my prayers, many, many times through each day....and your family is so loved!! You have allowed us to become part of your family. I look forward to taking care of your little princess waiting to be born once she starts to come to Kings world, as I work in the infant room during the 9 am service.

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  34. For what it's worth...we pray for those in our family whom we love who have gone before us. We believe they hear and appreciate our prayers, and it is a comfort to us.
    Wishing you peace and blessings wherever you find them.

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  35. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings as you and your family go through the grieving process. I wish you peace and comfort.

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  36. Mindy,
    I lost my brother in 2006 who was my only sibling. We were 21 months apart and during our childhood, we spent a lot of time hanging out with the same friends and doing the same things together. In 2006 he passed away from a seizure. He had a seizure disorder from the time he was 18 until 2006. He was 36 when he died. When he died and I had to go back to work and keep on with my life, I felt so guilty. It was the weirdest feeling. I felt like the worlds and lives of other people were still turning, but mine had stopped. My brother had died. Life was different, and I had to go on without my brother here, and I knew that for I had 2 small children and a husband, but I felt soooo guilty. Why was I able to be here, and Why did my brother have to die? Nobody will ever understand God's plans until we die and can see from the perspective of God. I believe EVERYTHING happens for the good of God's plan. My brother's life and Ben's life and all those who die early are VALUABLE. Their lives work towards the good of God's whole plan. You wrote that you can't pray for Ben because he is in heaven, and I ask why can't you pray for or to Ben? I pray to my brother sometimes when I'm having a difficult time with my oldest son who is just like my brother. God created my son, I think sometimes, so I wouldn't forget my brother. He looks, acts and is my brother except he is not my brother he is my son. People often say that once someone dies that they can't ask them to pray for us, and I say why not? The deceased are closer to God than we are, and we ask our friends to pray for us here on earth, so why do we have to stop asking someone to pray for us once they die? Since they are no longer here with us physically on earth and are closer to God, I think they are the best souls to ask that they pray for us. Mindy, let yourself feel your grief. You can't go around it; you have to go through it, and ask Ben and God to help you.

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  37. Praying...that each and every day...God gives you just a little bit more comfort.

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  38. I have been where you are Mindy. I chose to play "The Anchor Holds" at my daughter Micah's funeral. The Anchor did hold me....but I had a true season of unbelievable grief that I had to endure before Jesus healed my heart and my joy returned. It took a few years before I was able to think more of what Micah gained by heaven instead of what I lost in not having her here with me. My head knew it from the beginning (I remember walking behind her casket to the cemetery and thinking to myself "this is just all the formalities. She's been in heaven for almost a week and she's safe and happy") but I had to go through the grief and allow my heart to catch up fully to that truth. About a week after her funeral I remember telling God "Ok Lord. I've been strong, trusted in you, and been a witness to others. I've done this grief thing and you can bring her back now because if you think I can do this for the rest of my life you are mistaken". The pain is SO raw in the beginning. I remember in the first few months constantly sighing throughout the day. Each sigh was the realization "oh yeah. Micah's gone". You need to grieve...it is hard, but part of the grief journey that WILL bring you to the other side of healing and your joy will return. May I encourage you to seek out the "Griefshare" program at your church when you are ready? It is a wonderful Christ-based 13 week program that we actually ran for years and it will help you process all of the things you are experiencing and help you transition through this season. My prayers will continue to be with you. Thank you for sharing your life with others. Your Father in heaven is looking down on you, his daughter, and He must be so proud of you xxoo

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  39. You are such an inspiration to many. I have two children in heaven with Jesus and now with Ben. Ben would want you to smile because you see, in Heaven, everyone smiles! But for awhile, you must grieve. And in time, it will feel right to smile again. Your smile is a sign of your love for Jesus and His promise of the Kingdom of Heaven to all who believe in Him. God bless you and know that you are in my prayers. Thank you for your blog—it is helping many souls.

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  40. You have me addicted. The first thing I do when I get on Facebook is to find out what new things you have to say. I'm praying for you and you family. I truly think you should write a book about Ben and your family, you have touched so many hearts so quickly just think what a book or two can do. I would buy one in a heartbeat.

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  41. I'm a 35 year old man. I'm an entrepreneur. I NEED my edge and I NEED to be a warrior. But every time I hear about your strength, my testosterone empties out in the form of tears. : ) Thank you for your strength. So many are touched, so far away.

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    1. I wholeheartedly second that, also as a 35 year old man. Many times I've attempted to comment on your posts but can never seem to find the right words. Thank you for being such an incredible inspiration to me, my wife and our two young children. You and your little warrior, Ben have touched our lives in ways we never could have imagined. Thank you.

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    2. I admire you so much for your faith and how it helps you to cope with bens passing...God Bless you all x

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  42. Thank you Mindy for continuing to share. I think of you every day and pray that you'll be so aware of the Lord's love ~ that it will flood your heart and capture you by surprise with it's magnitude. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you are on ~ I miss Ben and I've never met any of you … such a way the Lord has to knit hearts and lives together because of Him. Yes, He's the Anchor that will never give way. Sending a big hug this morning. xxxx

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  43. I have been following your blog and Ben's journey the past few months. I have three children and can only imagine the great sadness you are feeling, coupled with the joy that Ben is now with Jesus. Thank you for continuing the blog, your words are beautiful, and you are an inspiration to many.

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  44. It's ok to cry, even if for 5 minutes in the bathroom while the kids play. Heck cry with the kids! Let it out Mindy, it's ok. :o)

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  45. Yes, from one mom to another, I too wish I could hug you and just take your sadness away. *hugs*

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  46. Thank you for sharing. I hope you keep sharing. Praying is still being done. I wish I could hug you in person.

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  47. Thank you so much for sharing and letting me in your lives. My heart goes out to you all. Sending love and prayers. Xoxo

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  48. Beautiful! Still praying for your wonderful family - THANKFUL that HIS anchor truly does hold us all.

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  49. I am so incredibly blessed and humbled by your faith. As a mom of 3( with one on the way in only 3 weeks) I can only imagine what you are going through. You are traveling a road that no mama should ever have to face. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are in my prayers daily and God is using you to bless so many people through this. Sending hugs to you today.

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  50. Mindy, I keep a photo of your family and one of just Ben on my cube wall next to my monitor so that daily I am reminded to pray for you and the loss of your beautiful son. I also have Ben's sweet prayer card on my refrigerator so that I am reminded that there is a mommy out there who cannot do the simplest of chores without being flooded with grief. As a mother I watch you walk under the weight of this cross and I weep for you helplessly because all I can do is pray that the burden of your grief be lifted.

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  51. Once again, Mindy, you amaze me.

    I would consider myself lucky if I had a quarter of the strength you have. My heart physically hurts and I cannot stop thinking about your family; I cannot stop crying. I'm grieving as if I personally know your family.

    I do want to say thank you. I was motivated enough to call The Chapel this past week because I need to be a better Christian. They sent me a New Believers Bible and this weekend I plan on watching a service (online). After a few weeks I will physically go there and also bring my family.

    I also want to thank you for showing me I need to be a better mother. I take extra time to play with my children. I am a more patient listener (even when they tell me the same thing over and over again). I don't get as aggravated that my house is a complete mess. The list goes on.

    I'm trying to find the good in this... because if you can, who am I to not do the same?

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  52. You continue to inspire and awe me. I am so thankful to God and Jesus for you, Mindy, for your words have anchored themselves to my heart.

    I pray for you and your family every single day ♥

    -Amy (Tonawanda, NY)

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  53. You're faith inspires me to be a better Christian, mother, wife, and all around person. I desire to be like you in terms of faith.

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  54. Even though your posts make me cry a lot, the are such a blessing....I am one of this emotional people you mentioned. We pray for you and your family, and think of Ben.

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  55. Don't feel guilty for leaving Ben out of your prayers of blessing. God's had woven him tightly into the fabric of your heart, and it is only natural to want to pray for the things that are most precious and dear in our hearts. So many people have been touched by Ben's life... maybe instead of praying for Ben's blessing you could pray for the blessing of the unusual amount of people that Ben had an impact on through his life. Not the same, I know, but a purposeful way to keep Ben in that part of your prayers?

    Your family continues to have an impact and be an encouragement to me in my walk with the Lord. Thank you for your faithful testament of God's faithfulness in your life!

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  56. You are amazing! I read your words, every post, with tears streaming because I can't even begin to imagine your pain, but I know He does, He holds you each step, each breath, each move you make! I have to echo your sentiments about not being able to get through this without God...how in the world do people make it through these trials without God!?!??! I'll never know, THANKFULLY! Your family is in my constant thoughts and prayers!

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  57. Hello Mindy. You don't know me, but I am a fellow angel mom. My son died a little over a year ago. I have taken some time in the past couple days to look over your blog and read some entries.What an amazing, heart-wrenching, faith-building journey you have been on in the past few months. Ben is just an absolutely GORGEOUS little boy. That smile! And how neat to have twins. My baby boy's "dash" as you call it was shorter than Ben's, but still he had an amazing impact on everyone he came into contact with. I know your Ben has as well. He is one special boy. This entry reminds me of one I just wrote along the same lines - knowing in Whom we need to trust. It's a hard thing sometimes, but it sounds like you have a strong faith. And knowing I will see my baby boy again is really the only thing that gets me out of bed some mornings. Love the song you linked to - I find as well that God speaks to me through songs so very much. I hope that Ben does visit you in dreams. Mine aren't as much as they used to be, but they still come & go & I cherish them. Sending love & prayers as you walk this steep hill with the heavy load of grief.

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  58. It's a gift you have, to be able to articulate these feelings so flawlessly. Know that you are helping so many people by doing this. Thank you.

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  59. God is using you and making you strong even if you don't feel strong. Wish I could be there to befriend you and introduce Jack to my nearly 5 year old Tyler and Megan to my 2 year old Kira. I just know they'd get along so well. Sending lots of hugs and prayers from Texas!

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  60. Mindy I have never lost a child but I lost my baby brother suddenly and tragically. That was a long time ago but now days when I think of him I don't think of the day he died...I think of the days he lived. Although the pain is till there and I missed out on seeing him grow into a man, I know in my heart that I'm a much better person because of having lost him. It helped change my focus and my attitude toward life in general. I no longer waste precious time being, angry or combative or ignoring people who I see as being difficult to get along with. I understand it's not my job to change them but to love them no matter what and to lead by example. Believe me it works. I lead a much more calm and fulfilled existence now. But I'm not telling you anything new. You are gracefully, compassionately and unselfishly shared your family's journey with us lets me know that indeed you have Anchored yourself very wisely.

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  61. Thank you for your words. Powerful.

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  62. Simply beautiful, Mindy. Your posts have been so poignant, touching and universal in scope. I pray for you and your family <3

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    1. And reading through the comments, you have formed such a strong community for parents to come and find peace and understanding. Truly amazing.

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  63. I'm following your blog and being blessed by your faithfilled words. God is using all of you and all of this for His glory.

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  64. Dear Mindy, Thank you for sharing your grief and journaling your thoughts and feelings. I had a hard time accepting what happened to little Ben. He was such a beautiful little boy but he is still beautiful and now he is with Jesus. I kept asking God why. When Christ was here, He raised the dead, he healed the sick, opened blind eyes and deaf ears. He was showing us what the Kingdom of Heaven was like. He spoke in parables but he actually revealed through His miracles how beautiful Heaven was. His purposes are being fulfilled in Ben's life and death. Thousands of people have been touched by his story and by your testimonies. I am one. You and your husband are so courageous and I am thankful because it has made my faith stronger. Your experience squeezed me so tight, I had to pay attention. "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed, we are perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not destroyed--always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you." (2 Cor 4:7-12) I continue to pray for you and grieve with you. "Most assuredly I say to you, he who hears my word and believes in Him who sent me has everlasting life and shall not come into judgement but has passed from death into life." John 5:24 May God heal your broken heart and bring strength each new day. <3 Karen

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  65. Praying for your family daily. From a mom in NC.

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  66. Still praying for your family and thanking God for your faith. I believe many more will turn to Jesus after reading your blogs. I know our Heavenly Father will turn your mourning into gladness and until you are reunited in eternity, I pray that you dream sweet dreams of Ben in Heaven. May God comfort and give you peace that passes all understanding.

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  67. Mindy you are a true blessing, to your children , to Andy and to thousands of people from all over. God has given you a powerful gift of inspiration, communication and delivery of the word of God through Jesus. Thank you from all of us your entries carry me through my week. ❤️

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  68. I know my SIL and bro are dealing with the same thing.... going out and doing things, yet feeling guilty - Ben and Jesus both want you to enjoy life, but yes there is a time for grieving. Don't feel like you shouldn't leave the house. take it one day at a time and let your anchor hold you tight!

    www.in-due-time.com

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  69. I went through the same feelings when my brother passed. I really wanted to spend a week in bed mourning, but I had a son and was pregnant. It was hard not having that mourning time and it was a relief at the same time. Those swinging emotions! What helped me was yoga. At the end when you just lay there, I would often cry silently and think of my brother. It gave me a piece of time to safely, comfortably mourn. I was not really comfortable mourning in front of my two year old son. Maybe I should have been. I set up a little prayer table in my home with my brother's funeral card and his favorite hacky-sack. My grandmother's card joined his last year. I sit and pray there and think of them. I search for memories and give thanks. It is my special time to just live in my grief. :)

    I'm not Christian, although I was raised Catholic. I can't say I strictly believe in the bible, though I do believe it, like many religious texts, can be an excellent teacher and guide. Regardless of my lack of distinct religious beliefs, I am very spiritual. I don't believe in God per se, but I believe in "god". My deep connection to faith helped me through the grieving process. The loss of my brother actually cemented my conviction in a force of goodness and compassion that binds all living creatures on this earth together. I admire your own faith. I think your words are healing to me and a true inspiration. I often think of your family and your Ben. Particularly now that I am having complications with my 3rd pregnancy. All my fears and worries slip away when I think that my child's fate is truly out of my hands and that even if the worse happens, I have so very much to be grateful for.

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  70. Jesus said, "If I do not go away, the Comforter will not come unto you..." Thank you, God for all the comfort we are able to have through Jesus. There are no words to express how much I hurt for your missing Ben and going through this painful journey. Just know I do, and I pray for you all--as this is also something Jesus left for us to do for one another. You also have another promise from Jesus, one that I realized is going to be "really big," when the time comes--else Jesus would not have said it: Blessed (blessed!) are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. You may smile, I was watching Night at the Museum, and the guard was comforting Atilla the Hun, trying to understand why he was so unpleasant. They ended up in a bigggg old hug and tears. The guard looked at one of Atilla's buddies and said, "You're next!" Next for that warm embrace and opportunity to be soothed and comforted. If Jesus said those who mourn are blessed, for a day and time of comfort are coming--then it must be good. It must be a time when we can turn all these gaping holes of hurt over to the Father and have our turn being comforted. A real "turn," personal and just right. Jesus knows and He is faithful and true. Even with all the blessed prayers and peace you have now, even that is little to be compared to when you look into the Father's eyes...God bless you and ever keep you until that day. Amen.

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  71. You are such an inspiration to us all!! God is going threw you to send his message to all of us! We are humans living on earth, so I believe it will always be heart wrenching for us to deal with the loss of our loved ones. You have such strong faith in God, and he knows you can deal with this. Threw the ups and downs God is giving you his strength. reminding us all of what he is all about. That is a very beautiful thing!!! I can't imagine what you are going threw and my heart aches for you! My prayers are with you always!! You and your family are truly blessed by God and Ben is your sweet Angel flying over you and is always with you! xoxoxo

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    1. Sorry about my pic..this is my sons account! lol

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  72. Mindy, I am so inspired by what you write, thankyou for sharing with all of us. Gods light shines a little brighter in all of us because of you and your family. God Bless you all

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  73. This is not at all the way we thought it was supposed to be
    We had so many plans for you
    We had so many dreams
    But now you've gone away and left us with the memories of your smile
    But we can cry with HOPE
    We can say goodbye with HOPE
    'cause we know our goodbye is not the end
    We believe with HOPE
    There's a place where we'll see your face again

    Steven Curtis Chapman song that I still sing in my head every day since my brother went to heaven almost 10 years ago.
    You probably know the song already, but just in case you hadn't heard it before I wanted to share.
    Praying for you every day.

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  74. Mindy,
    I am not sure you even have time to read all your replies each time you post, but you are a true inspiration.By reading your faith in God and everything He has to offer...you are strengthening my spirit as well.
    Thank you.

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  75. Among all the characteristics I love about God, I think my favorites are that he doesn't leave us nor abandon us nor forsake us and when others run away from something, he runs to it. Jesus resolutely went to Jerusalem, knowing what was going to happen. He definitely is an Anchor that always holds no matter what season of our lives we are going through, as you know and has you continue to learn about him as you continue to live your life always missing your precious Ben. Like I said before, you and your family are covered with prayers and I know He is answering them in his perfect will.

    betty

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  76. Mindy, You and your family are in my prayers. I cannot imagine your pain. There is a song that I listened to a lot when I was struggling a few years ago. Take these Burdens song by Janet Paschal. I hope this helps you in your quiet moments with our Heavenly Father. I am so sorry for your loss. Maureen

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  77. Yes, the Lord has gone before us to lead us down our pathway to healing. Some pathways are different from others, but He is so faithful to give you everything you need. You are so right about our earth suits ha ha ha so many different emotions. Thank God our spirit man inside is strong enough and yours truly is! What a blessing to have the Lord use your beautiful children to bring joy to your life everyday and I'm sure they are making you and your husband laugh, which we know is as good as medicine. Gosh, I do know that "guilty feeling" but continue to take comfort in the joy and laughter in heaven and how beautiful Ben is laughing with you. I just would think everyday "baby steps" and just having a little routine in the morning was so comforting to me. Even if it was having a cup of tea and journaling. The Lord will continue to surprise you with little "insights" I should say to heaven and little confirmations of things that He is right there for you and Ben is right with Him. I know that feeling our flesh feels because it can't see, touch, or feel Ben, but the Lord will help you through that. Also, from my experience, as you continue to walk through, there will be times you're going to know that for your flesh's sake you have to cry and you will feel the build up and know when you have to release it and let it out and that's all part of the healing process. There's times I would even release it with a smile on my face but know it was what I needed to do to heal. For hope for the future, there will be a transition time when the pain will turn into the joy of "I know I'm going to be seeing him soon. I can't wait. It's going to be glorious." You will feel the shortness of time on earth before the Lord's wonderful appearing and feel that joy and excitement that heaven is at the door. Meanwhile, may you feel everyone's prayers lifting your family up and knowing that the Lord will continue to give comfort to all who mourn and that if you ever feel like the pain is too much know that the Holy Spirit is right there. I would say, "I can't do this on my own, I feel like I'm going to lose it, please help me." Within two minutes I would feel His presence begin to comfort me. Something the world just can't do.

    Love In Christ,

    Lori

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  78. I only want you to know you are in my prayers here in El Salvador. On Wed morning--May 21, I was reading Psalm 71 and felt like God wanted me to point it out to you. I praise Him for your example to us who are following your blog--your life as you respond to Ben's story. I wasn't able to write you before because of slow internet service...and so, what you wrote last reminds me so much of the words in this Psalm---vs 17 and 18 (although you aren't as old as these vss indicate!) and then the rest of the psalm.....vs 21 to 24...
    God bless you all in your journey!! and thank you for sharing with the rest of us.
    Pauline

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  79. You are always in my thoughts & prayers, Mindy.

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  80. Wow I admire your strength. When I went through a similar situation with my son , I could barely get out of bed for 2 months. I also had another child but thanks to family for stepping in and helping out because I just cried all day and couldn't function at all. I'm amazed at how well you are moving on and getting back to a normal routine. It's been 3 years now and I'm still an emotional mess. I find your love for God encouraging. You don't seem to have any anger at him for giving your precious boy cancer and taking him from you. I wish I could find that same peace, but I guess I'm still too devastated at the loss. Blessings to you and your sweet family.

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  81. Mindy, I have never met you. But I have to tell you that your incredible faith and the beauty in writing the heartbreak of losing your beloved son Ben has stayed with me for weeks. I hope you know that strangers are keeping you in their hearts. What an amazing woman you are. And what a beautiful boy Ben was, and is, as he now lives in peace and joy with God. My deepest blessing to you and your family always. JoAnn

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  82. Mindy, I have had many deaths in my life, but not a child, so I know I cannot fully understand your grief. However, please let me encourage you to keep Ben in your prayers! I am afraid that what I have to say is too long for one post, so I will comment in three parts:

    First
    I am an Orthodox Christian and we pray for our loved ones who have died. There are many reasons for this:

    1) There are examples of people praying for the dead in the Bible. Paul prayed for Onesiphorus after he had died. IITim 1:16-18)

    2) Jews prayed for the dead in Jesus's time and still do to this day. The first Christians were Jews who continued to practice this in their faith. You can find references to this in the writings of the early Church fathers.

    3) While Orthodox Christians do not believe that there is change in eternal destiny after death, we also do not see sanctification as a one time event. Being conformed into the image of Christ is something that never ends. Ben has not now been suddenly perfected into Christ's image; he still has some growing to do as we all do. Paul told us "And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being changed into His likeness from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:18, RSV). From one degree to another – it is a process. The Greek word sozomenois which is translated “saved” used in 1 Cor 1:18 means literally "who are BEING saved."

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  83. We are created beings and God is Uncreated. How can we think that we will ever FULLY comprehend God or be TOTALLY filled with His Holiness and His Uncreated Life? It is a process that will go on for all eternity.

    4) All who die in Christ are part of His body, just as we who are alive and claim His name are part of His body. We are alive in Christ and Ben is alive in Christ! In some ways, he is more alive than we are. If you will pray for your children whom you can see, touch, hear, why would you not pray for your child who is in a distant place? He will continue to grow in Christ - and perhaps your prayers will be the things that will speed him in that process.

    5) Our prayers for the dead show that we believe that Christ is greater than death. We trust that God surpasses our earthly limitations. God is not bound by time and space. It appears that death is the end, but Jesus is the Lord over life and death. We cannot know how our prayers which we offer at a particular time affect our loved ones in God's time. He may use them before we offer them in our timeline! Isaiah 65:24 says, "It will also come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear."

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  84. So, how best to pray for Ben? We do not know, even for our loved ones on earth, what is best for their salvation. We make requests of God, not knowing if that is truly what will help them be conformed into His image - so we pray that God's will be done, because we know that He wants what is best for us. We pray that God will have mercy and provide what is best for them because we do not know exactly how to pray. This is true of Ben. We do not know exactly what his needs are. So we simply pray that God will have mercy on him and grant him rest. In our funeral and our memorial services we pray:
    With the Saints give rest, O Christ, to the soul of your servant, where there is neither sickness, nor sorrow, nor sighing, but life everlasting.
    And then we sing what we call the Alleluia Dirge – a dirge is usually filled with sorrow and we are sorrowful. Death is not the way things are supposed to be. Death is a thief and destroyer of God’s plan. And yet, we can sing “Alleluia.” Alleluia is sung before the gospel reading. It is a celebration of the reign of God in Revelation. And now, one who has been baptized in Christ, puts on Christ – he ahs undergone a transformation from one state of existence to another. And we are reminded that the one who has been taken from us now can hear the voice of Jesus saying, “Today you will be with Me in Paradise.” We sing this at every funeral and memorial.

    “Thou only art immortal, who hast created and fashioned man. For out of the earth were we mortals made, and unto the earth shall we return again, as Thou didst command when Thou madest man, saying unto me: For earth thou art, and unto the earth shall thou return. Whether, also, all we mortals wend our way, making of our funeral dirge the song:
    Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia”

    Do not be afraid to pray for Ben!

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  85. Emotions will continue to vacillate. Emotions will continue to soar. But I choose to be reminded of my Anchor.

    Because He has always proved Himself to be capable. To be trusted. And more than able.

    So I will continue to sail. Knowing that my Anchor holds. You will continue to sail!!

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  86. Thank you, I can honestly say Mighty Ben has also rubbed off on me through you. Thank you Mindy!

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  87. But....God today(Sunday) the pastor spoke about those to strong words. But..God. God bless you

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  88. My heart continues to brake for you and your family. You are such an example Mindy, of a mother.. of strength and love! God bless you!

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  89. I have followed Ben's story. I'm from a town over and also the mother of twins. I've learned so much from Ben and my faith has been renewed. I think of your family often. This past Saturday I was driving on union rd.when all of a sudden a big beautiful balloon flew over my car. I thought of Ben and smiled. He is now as free as that balloon soaring toward Heaven. God bless you and your beautiful family

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  90. I lost my Mum 3 months ago and can understand so many of the emotions that you have described. It was only my belief that she is with Jesus now, free from all her pain and suffering, that has helped me to cope with her loss. I often imagine Jesus at the gates of heaven, welcoming her with open arms. And I often wonder how those who do not believe, manage to deal with the loss of a loved one.

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